


Ain't no sunshine when she's gone

by PausedInTime



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Affairs, Cheating, Choking, Daddy Kink, Domestic Violence, F/M, Light Bondage, Minor Swearing, Older Man/Younger Woman, One Night Stand, Oral Sex, River is John's dead wife, Scandal, Smut, Spanking, Violence, lot's of smut, relationships, whouffaldi, whouffle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-04 09:52:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 19
Words: 49,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10988493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PausedInTime/pseuds/PausedInTime
Summary: Clara was happy, wasn't she? She didn't need anybody else, she had her wonderful, kind boyfriend... So why was she currently on top of another man? [Whouffaldi AU, Whouffle in the mix]





	1. Chapter 1

John wasn’t particularly into dating, not since his wife, River had died on a trip to Italy when she was called out for work. His son, Matt, had set up a ‘Tinder’ profile for him, whatever the hell that was. Matt showed him how to use it and eventually John got the hang of it and swiped yes to the women he did like. He wasn’t looking for a relationship, but he couldn’t deny it and say he wasn’t looking for sex. John suddenly sat up on his couch, beer in hand as he came across a profile with a short brunette smiling in her photo, he liked her immediately and spent the entire night wondering if she’d like him back and they’d match, it was a long shot, but she was worth the risk.

Clara sat on her couch, her feet propped underneath her as her cat nuzzled along her chest and face. It was a late Friday afternoon, she should be out dancing, or fucking her ‘boyfriend’ but it seemed he wasn’t interested as of late. She was swirling her glass of wine as Blackbird hummed in the background when her phone pinged all of a sudden. The noise alone was enough to startle her, spilling the wine on her shirt and cat.

‘Fuck!’ she exclaimed, quickly taking off her shirt.

She shrugged at her cat who hissed at her, ‘Oi, shush, you! I didn’t do it on purpose,’ 

Oh, great, now she was talking to her cat.

Clara almost laughed when she noticed a notification from her Tinder app, ‘Oh, I’m going to kill Amy,’ she said out loud, opening up the application.

There were many men, a lot with ungodly man buns, other than that simply looked too douche. She figured she shouldn’t be on it at all, but as long as she didn’t meet anyone it wasn’t technically cheating, was it? She almost swiped left on a rather handsome older man. He seemed different than the others, his gaze seemed soft, yet intense. His hair seemed to be made out of cloud, and his legs seemed to go on forever. She noticed his bio, it was short, yet telling. She smiled and decided to swipe right. What could go wrong? It’s not like he’ll actually be online right now.

John jumped when he heard his phone ping and thought about ignoring it, until he saw the Tinder app alerting him he had a match. He arched his eyebrow and set down his beer, scrolling through his phone to realise it was Clara. Shit. She had liked him too? Now what was he supposed to do? Matt hadn’t told him what to do past swiping left and right. John sighed, his thumb fidgeting until he sent her a message.

‘Hey, I’m just going to go straight into it, I’m not looking for a relationship. I lost my wife six years ago, I’m just looking for sex. Are you up for it?’

Clara had quickly changed into the only clean thing she had left, a red lacy negligee. She heard her phone ping again and she immediately looked at it. Her jaw almost dropped as she saw the message. She thought of saying no, but something in his gaze seemed familiar.

‘I won’t lie, your offer is intriguing, but I do have a boyfriend although he hasn’t touched me in over a month. So if that doesn’t bother you, I’ll send you my address now.’ 

She’d drank almost half a bottle of wine, and it was quickly warming her insides as she waited for his reply.

John got her reply and nodded his head, shrugging as he thought it over. It was her problem, not his. He smirked and got changed quickly, slicking his grey curls back so they weren’t as wild. He drove to her flat and knocked on the door, wondering if he should kiss her straight away or have a few drinks with her. He was as cool as a cucumber, and he looked it with his dark shades on.

Clara heard the door and quickly gave herself a once over before opening the door. She had to hold back her laughter, ‘Well, don’t you look quite overdressed,’ she said, still standing still in her see through negligee.

John smirked and took off his shades, his eyes wandering to what she was wearing, ‘Wow…’ he whispered, swallowing hard.

‘You… are beautiful. How could that boyfriend of yours resist?’

Clara simply shrugged as she waved him inside. She laughed, waving him over to the couch. She instantly straddled his legs, moaning as his hands instantly went to cup her ass, ‘Can we not talk about my boyfriend, seeing as it’s the first time I’ll be cheating on him?’ she whispered into his ear, she began to nibble down his neck, and along his jawline.

John nodded and shrugged his shoulders, ‘Fair enough,’ he mumbled and dropped his hands to tug down her knickers, chucking them elsewhere. He unclipped her bra quicker than any other man could and lent forward to kiss her, his fingers in her hair as he felt her grind against his tight jeans.

Clara melted under his touch, her heart racing as the wine continued to loosen her up. Her tongue duelled with him for the longest time, her hips grinding down against his hardening cock. It was the first time she’d been with someone so much older than her, and yet he seemed so knowledgeable, knew exactly how to play her to make her moan.  
‘What do you need, baby? Tell me…’ she growled, drawing out his bottom lip with her teeth.

He winced when she dragged his bottom lip out with her teeth and knew in that moment, she was the type of woman looking for rough sex. John smirked and lifted her up, pulling Clara’s legs tight around his waist as he carried her to her bedroom.

‘I think it’s what you need, darling. Your boyfriend clearly doesn’t touch you like he should,’

Clara gasped as he lifted her, her nipple hardening, and pressing against his clothes, ‘You’re right… he doesn’t know how to fuck,’ she growled, feeling his cock pressing hard against her.

‘I need to be spanked, choked… Think you can handle that?’ she purred, pushing off his shirt as quickly as she could, her hands working on his belt buckle.

John smirked and felt himself drop onto the mattress, Clara already grinding on top of him. Her questions made his breath hitch and his cock unbelievably hard as he nodded his head, ‘Of course I can,’ he murmured, giving her ass a hard slap as he managed to take off the rest of her clothes.

Clara smirked, writhing underneath him, a soft moan escaping her lips as he slapped her ass, ‘Fuck, daddy…’ she mused, pulling on his grey curls.

She was sure she’d melt if he kept exploring her with those sensual hands. Clara’s gaze turned wicked as she pushed him onto his back, her eyes widening as she saw his huge cock, ‘Definitely nothing like my boyfriend,’ she whispered, kissing down his body.

He winced each time her teeth nipped at him and as he looked down at her, he knew then, this could be only a one time thing. Because if they did it again, he’d be afraid that they wouldn’t stop. John took a deep breath and pulled her back up, kicking off his jeans and boxers as he lifted Clara up and then slowly sank her down onto his cock, and judging by her face, he was bigger than her boyfriend.

Clara arched her back, her jaw dropping as he stretched her out, ‘You weren’t lying, getting straight to it,’ she laughed, bending down to nip at his neck, leaving a large love bite.

John shrugged, ‘Only in it for the sex,’ he muttered, and once she had given him a love bite, he yanked on her hair until her head was hanging back, her neck exposed as he covered her neck in love bites.

‘Explain that to your boyfriend,’ he whispered and before she could even react, he started to fuck up into her, his fingers digging into her hips.

Clara growled, ‘Don’t worry, he won’t be back until Friday,’ she moaned, tugging on his hair, ‘If you’re just in it for the sex… Then hold on,’ she told him, pulling his arm over his head, tying his wrists to the headboard as she began to ride him.

She had to admit he was good, more than good if her moans filling the room were any indication.

John smirked, arching his eyebrow as he watched Clara tie his wrists to her headboard. He nodded his head, impressed by her completely as he moved his hips in time with hers, wanting nothing more than to reach his hand up and cup her breasts, but he couldn’t move and it was almost torture from how beautiful she looked riding him.

‘So, the daddy thing… You have daddy issues?’

Clara’s breasts bounced as she rode him, her back arching into him as she closed her eyes and let out a high pitched moan, ‘Fuck!’ she whimpered, her nails dragging down his chest.

‘You’re old enough to be called daddy… Unless you prefer something else?’

John tugged on the restraints, almost glaring up at her in annoyance that he couldn’t touch her, ‘Master will do,’ he joked with a wink, pushing his hips up a little harder to make her bounce on top of him.

Clara pushed back on his cock and arched her eyebrow, ‘Master, really?’ she almost laughed, but figured for one night, it would do.

‘Tell me Master, shouldn’t you be tying me up, and fucking me?’ she growled against his ear, undoing his restraints. 

She purposely avoided kissing him, as she remembered it was just sex.

John smirked and nodded, rubbing at his wrists, ‘I suppose I should be,’ he murmured, pushing her away from him until he was on her in seconds, pulling her right leg over his shoulder as he suddenly slammed inside of her, his cock hitting her g spot as his hand dropped to choke her.

Clara growled, biting onto his shoulders, her nails digging into his back, ‘Fuck, Master, feels so good,’ she moaned, her heart racing.

‘Give it to me hard,’ she purred, withering underneath him, her hips meeting his each time.

He growled under his breath and slammed in and out of her, wincing when she scratched up his shoulders and back. After a few minutes, he tightened his grip around her throat, the only sound out of her mouth was a few strangled moans and pants, barely able to talk.

Clara instantly felt her legs convulse around him as she came hard, his name on her lips as she took a moment to regain her breathing, ‘Cum for me, John…’ she moaned, once he had let go of her throat and allowed her to breathe.

It took John a few more minutes and a number of thrusts before he came inside of her, her name a growl on his lips as he slipped out of her. But he wasn’t done yet. John disappeared in between her legs, pushing her thighs apart as his tongue lapped at her – he knew full well she wasn’t going to last because of how sensitive she was.

Clara let out a feral moan as her back arched off of the bed, her hands pulling on his soft, sweaty curls, ‘Fuck… C – Can’t,’ she didn’t get to finish her sentence as she spilled over his mouth, grinding against his face.

Her body was a light crimson colour after she had orgasmed. How was it possible that a stranger knew how to please her more, than her boyfriend of six months? 

John didn’t give her any time to recover from two orgasms in a row as he lifted her up by her hips and pulled her further down the mattress, his hand on her throat as his free hand easily slipped two fingers inside of her, his thumb rubbing her clit.

‘Good girl, Clara. Do you want to cum again, hm? Can your boyfriend do things like this to you?’ he muttered, only choking her harder when she tried to speak.

She shook her head in response, Matt never touched her like this, ‘Please…’ she found herself begging, and thrusting her hips against his hand.

Clara moaned as he sped up his fingers, but only seemed to slow them down.

John smirked and bent to kiss along her jawline, ‘What was that? Did you say please? Say it again, baby girl…’ he almost growled, his heart racing as he pressed his thumb harder against her clit, his fingers stopping altogether. He wanted to leave her begging for more once he’d finished with her.

Clara closed her eyes. His cologne filling her nostrils. She battled her eyes open, catching his own blue ones. They seemed darker and filled with lust, ‘P – please, daddy…’ she murmured, her voice shaky.

‘I – I need you, ‘she whimpered, her voice sincere as she cupped his face.

There was something – familiar – about the way she cupped his face, like it was supposed to happen, like her hands were made to fit his face. John growled under his breath and bent to kiss up her throat, no kissing – this was just fucking. After a few moments, he picked up the pace of his fingers, moving them at a quick pace until he felt her cum hard around his fingers.

Clara’s heart stopped for an instant as he kissed along her throat, and for a moment she wondered how they would feel against her own lips. She came with his name prominently on her lips, it felt so natural to say his name, so right and for a moment, she was afraid. Afraid she wouldn’t want this to end, but she knew better. She knew it was a one time thing.

‘John…’ she said breathlessly, flipping them and soon she settled between his legs.

She instantly began bobbing between them, licking and nibbling along his shaft, ‘So big…’ Clara hummed, adding vibrations around his cock.

John growled, his hand grabbing at her hair as he tugged on it hard, ‘Shit, Clara…’ he paused for a moment and tried not to make his voice sound so desperate. 

After around ten minutes of her just sucking him off, he flipped her onto her front and they spent the whole night just fucking and not once did they kiss, but John couldn’t deny the raw attraction between them that was more than just sexual. It was three in the morning when Clara finally passed out from the sheer pleasure he was giving her and instead of sleeping in her bed, John stood up and pulled on his clothes, he knew for certain she was on the pill and they had used condoms all night, so there was no problem with any pregnancy. John went to leave, but he bent to press a gentle kiss onto her forehead.

He wouldn’t leave her a note, but a kiss, she deserved. John left immediately and went straight home to sleep, getting ready for the next morning where he travelled into work. Clara awoke to find the bed empty, a part of her was disappointed, yet she knew it was pre-arranged. She quickly showered and changed before heading out. A week went by without a word from John, and she thought it right as she was heading to pick up her boyfriend from the airport. She had a packet of his favourite biscuits in hand, Jammie dodgers. A part of her felt a tad bit guilty, but she quickly put it aside as she spotted his floppy hair.

Matt beamed at his tiny girlfriend when he saw her, ‘Clara!’ he exclaimed with a grin and jumped forward, his heart racing as his brown floppy hair dropped over his face. Once he reached her, he wrapped his arms around her, suitcase dropping on the ground as his chin rested on her head.

‘I missed you, my Impossible Girl,’

Clara laughed and rolled her eyes, ‘And you, my dreamer of improbable dreams,’ she sighed, looking up at him.

‘How was the holiday?’ she mused, intertwining their fingers as they walked towards her car.

Matt shrugged his shoulders, bouncing off of the souls of his feet as his fingers interlocked with hers, ‘It was good, lots of sciencey things you wouldn’t be interested in,’ he mused and once they were in the car and driving home, Matt turned his head to look at her.

‘So… My family are in town in about a month, do you fancy meeting them? No pressure, just thought it might be the next step in our relationship,’

Clara turned her head to face him, her hands on the wheel, ‘I’ll finally get to meet Mr Song?’ she mused and nodded, ‘Are you sure? You never speak about your dad, I was starting to think you were made in a lab,’ she teased, sinking further into the driver’s seat.

‘He isn’t Mr Song, I just chose to take my mother’s name. His last name is Smith,’ 

He shrugged his shoulders and laughed, ‘We don’t really get on, not since mum…’ he trailed off, referring to his mother’s death.

That was how Matt and Clara had met, in a grief session when they were teenagers, although he was a few years older than her. They had become friends at first, and had only started dating six months ago.

Clara drove them to the nearest café as they sat and ordered lunch, ‘So, when you say meet all of your family, what exactly do you mean?’ she sked, waving a breadstick at his face.

‘Is it a special occasion, do I need to buy a new dress?’ 

Matt shrugged, not really picking up on the smirk she gave him, ‘Possibly, yes, well, maybe. You might need a new dress,’ he clicked his fingers and then looked down at his food, eating it quickly as he always did.

‘Would have preferred fish fingers and custard,’ murmured Matt, staring up at her as she gave him a funny look.

‘My dad will be there, his sisters Donna and Missy. Please, for the love of god, avoid Missy at all costs. I don’t have any uncles, my grandparents will be there from my mother’s side and a few cousins. Including my cousin Jenny, she’s a lesbian, so I hope you don’t mind that,’

Clara arched her eyebrow, ‘Why would I mind? Okay, avoid Missy, anyone else I need to know about?’ she asked, noticing how distant he was being.

Clara sighed as they finished their lunch.

A month passed by quickly, Clara had picked out the perfect dress. It was deep blue, with a blazer thrown on top. Her hair was done up, as she put on the finishing touches, ‘So, any last minute tips?’ she asked as she watched him drive towards an overly large house.

‘Woah, who lives here?’

Matt cleared his throat awkwardly at his tiny girlfriend, ‘My father… He’s a um, Doctor… Plastics,’ he informed her, growing a bright red colour that his family were apparently rich, ‘He doesn’t approve of me being a scientist, he wanted me to be a Doctor, like him and my mother,’ Matt smiled weakly and jumped out of the car, opening Clara’s door for her as her arm looped through his and they walked towards the huge front door together.

‘Please ignore the cars next to you,’ he muttered, referring to the deep blue coloured Ferrari and a lighter blue Mustang next to it.

Clara laughed, feeling suddenly overwhelmed with Matt’s father’s wealth. What if she wasn’t up to his standards? As soon as they walked in, she could hear cackling and loud music. A young woman instantly came to her side and embraced her.

‘Welcome to the family, we’re so happy for you both,’ she giggled.

Clara simply arched her eyebrow and thought nothing of it until she saw the girl blush and another, older woman jabbed her.

‘Oi, Jenny, you never were bright… She’s not wearing the ring.’

‘Ring?’ Clara asked, looking for Matt who seemed to vanish just at the right moment.

‘Um, excuse me,’ muttered Clara, moving further into the house in search of her boyfriend.

Matt had pretty much ran from Clara, far too scared to show her the ring he had. He planned to propose to her tonight, in front of his family. As Clara walked the long corridors to find him, a tall man wearing shades, a dark hoodie, trousers and Doc Martens bumped straight into Clara, knocking her straight to the floor. The older man immediately reached down to help her, but instantly regretted it when he realised who she was. 

Clara.

From a month ago.

They had slept together and he had been trying for a month to forget her.

Oh, fuck.

He had slept with his son’s girlfriend.

John’s eyes widened when she finally looked at him when she had lifted herself from the ground, ‘Oh, fucking hell…'


	2. You cheated on my son!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clara and John have a heated fight about Clara cheating on his son... With him

‘Smith?’ she asked in disbelief, her heart almost leaping out of her chest. She felt sick, as if she was about to throw up. He couldn’t be, could he? Maybe he was just a neighbour or friend of Matt’s father. 

Clara struggled to regain her voice but instantly pulled him to a nearby room, ‘What are you doing here?’

John scoffed, leaning against the wall as she pulled him into a room and closed the door. He stared at her, his glasses pressed hard into either side of his nose as he peered down at her, his arms folded against his broad chest, ‘What am I doing here? What are YOU doing here? I live here, this is my house,’ he murmured, knowing full well Clara was Matt’s girlfriend.

Even if he had never seen a picture of her, she definitely wasn’t a family member, so she had to be his son’s girlfriend. This was more than fucked up, he had fucked Matt’s girlfriend all night. 

Clara sat down, as she felt queasy, ‘No, no, no, you can’t be… You can’t be his dad. We fucked,’ she paused, trying to make sense of it all.

‘Your last name is Smith, his is Song,’ she murmured, trying to grab at straws as she began pacing his room.

John swallowed and cast his blue eyes to the ground, still stood in the same spot, ‘My last name is Smith, but Matt took his mother’s unmarried name after she died, he didn’t want my name,’ he explained, inhaling sharply until he found himself glaring at her.

‘You cheated on my son, willingly.’

Clara stopped in mid stride as she glared at him, ‘You don’t think I know that?! You’re the one I fucked,’ she growled, her heart pounding in her chest as she was about to say something else when in walked Matt.

His smile was wide, walking towards her. Clara shot John a look, as if pleading him not to say anything.

John nodded to her very discreetly and took a deep breath, smiling at his son as he wrapped his arm around Clara and squeezed her shoulders, ‘Son, I’ve just bumped into your lovely girlfriend. You kept her quiet, didn’t you?’ he muttered, staring at him.

Matt laughed nervously and scratched at his neck, ‘Yeah, well, I didn’t really care if you knew or not. We haven’t been speaking, John.’

Clara could sense the tension between both men. She shuffled out of John’s grasp as the sheer touch sent a shiver down her spine. She quickly laced her arm with Matt, and reached on her toes to give him a kiss.

‘Come on, dear… I still haven’t met the rest of your family,’ she murmured, tugging him away from John.

John almost flinched when she kissed him, his heart racing. Why did it bother him that Clara was kissing HER boyfriend? He took a deep breath and scowled after them.   
Matt kept his arm wrapped around his girlfriend, oblivious to Clara’s attraction to his father. Once they were downstairs, Matt called his auntie over, ‘Clara, this is my Aunt, Donna…’

Clara inhaled sharply, ‘Yeah, I think we met earlier,’ she muttered, trying to forget about the subject of the apparent ring Matt had for her.

She hoped he wasn’t thinking of asking her to marry him, not after what had happened, not after she slept with his father and spent every day since thinking about John.  
Donna grinned at her, brushing her red hair behind her ear as she shook Clara’s hand, ‘It’s lovely to finally meet you, my sweet little nephew here never stops talking about you,’   
she laughed, reaching to squish Matt’s cheeks as the man slapped her hands away with a giggle.

Clara found the woman’s voice a bit loud, but nevertheless knew she had good intentions, ‘Oh, doesn’t he? I didn’t even know he had this big of a family until of late,’ she said, smiling awkwardly as she met John’s gaze.

John stared at her from across the room, his blue eyes intense as they locked with hers and in that moment he knew, all he wanted to do was go over there and fuck her up against the wall behind her with his hand over her mouth. He shook the thought from his head. No. That was his son’s girlfriend, even if she had cheated on him on purpose. Nevertheless, Matt was still John’s son and he couldn’t do that to him knowingly, he already hated him for ‘killing’ his mother.

Clara cleared her throat, feeling a bit nauseous. She couldn’t deny the physical attraction she had with Matt’s father, and yet he only wanted sex as opposed to Matt who was willing to give her a life.

‘May I be excused?’ she suddenly said, all eyes on her, ‘Where’s the loo?’ she asked in general before walking towards the direction of the restroom.

She needed time alone to think.

John didn’t dare to follow her, he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off of her. So, instead, he pulled Matt to one side and spoke to him about his mother’s death. After a heated argument, they decided to make up for the sake of their family members and John swore to himself that he could never go near Clara again, it would only hurt Matt more and John wanted to avoid hurting him ever again, no matter the strong attraction he felt towards Clara.

Clara could hear the argument, and for a moment, she thought it was because of her. She let out a sigh of relief once she realised they had made up, and it wasn’t about her at all. It was then and there that Clara decided she would never go near John, no matter how strong she felt that pull towards him. Matt may not please her physically, but he loved her and she loved him. 

She walked down with a different attitude, lacing her arm with Matt’s, ‘What now, darling?’ she murmured, kissing his cheek.

Matt beamed down at her, the clear dimple on his cheek obvious as his floppy brown hair fell over his eyes, ‘Me and dad were just talking about you staying over for Christmas here. Christmas is in a month…’ he trailed off, oblivious to his father eye fucking Clara from beside him.

Clara arched her eyebrow, ‘Were you now? I don’t think that would be a good idea…’ she began, but stopped when she saw his crestfallen face.

‘Okay, anything for you, Master,’ she teased, having adopted the pet name after having it slip from her mouth whilst making love to him.

John almost choked on his wine as he stumbled backwards, completely startled as he looked away. Fuck. Was she really going to play games like that?

He shook his head, angry that she had cheated on his son in the first place.

A few hours later, when everyone was too drunk to notice, John pulled Clara into a nearby room, ‘What the fuck possessed you to cheat on my son?’

Clara pulled out of his tight grasp, ‘I told you why, now drop it. We both made a mistake,’ she growled, letting her gaze fall. She felt horrible enough about cheating on Matt, without having it constantly waved in her face.

John glared at her, his blue eyes furious as he stumbled slightly, ‘No, you didn’t tell me why. You told me he hadn’t touched you in a month, you told me he can’t fuck you like…’ he stopped his sentence and shook his head, pulling at his hair.

‘Fuck, shit. This is so fucked up. How am I supposed to act normal if you marry my son, huh? Knowing I fucked his wife to be? All night, might I add. I made his future wife pass out from too many orgasms,’ he breathed, his face so close to hers he could smell the alcohol on her breath.

Clara instantly pushed her finger against his mouth, pushing him back up against the wall, ‘Be quiet! We did what we did, it was just sex, you said it yourself. No emotion, no strings, just sex,’ she said, in an attempt to shut him up.

John stared at her, her body pressed against his as his blue eyes locked onto hers, his voice in a growl against her hand, ‘Just sex, huh? Then why have you been looking at me all night? Why can I feel how hot you are just by being near me?’

Clara rolled her eyes, ‘You have been looking at me all night! You’re delusional, I’m with your son for fuck sake,’ she growled, taking her hand away as she felt him began to bite her palm. Clara swallowed hard and took a step back, this was too much for her.

John stepped forward, his face inches from hers, ‘Don’t pretend you love him Clara, because you don’t. If you loved him, you wouldn’t have gone off to fuck another man for no reason. On Tinder, for that matter, god knows how many you’ve slept with,’ he snapped, moving closer to her until he had her backed up against a wall.

Clara instantly slapped him, her blood boiling, ‘How dare you?! You’re the only man I slept with aside from Matt!’ she growled, trying to push at him as his hands landed either side of her head on the wall. She tried to ignore how her body responded to him.

‘I’ve been looking at you because I can’t stop thinking about fucking you against every piece of furniture in this house,’

‘And you? How many women have you fucked after me?!’ she snapped, glaring at him as she pushed him again, trying to ignore the way his words made her feel.

John glared at her, his hands landing back by her head, his blue eyes dark and locked onto hers, ‘None. I’ve been thinking about you since it happened. I didn’t fucking expect to find out you were dating my son,’ he growled, leaning in close to whisper into her ear.

‘Does he know about your daddy kink, Clara? Does he know that you like being choked? That it makes you cum?’

Clara shuffled on her feet, trying to get away, his accent sending a shiver down to in between her legs, ‘John, please…’ she whispered breathlessly.

‘We can’t, it’s not right…’ she murmured, her forehead leaning against his.

John growled under his breath, the alcohol taking its toll on him as his hands cupped Clara’s cheeks, panting heavily as his forehead rested on hers, ‘I’m sorry…’ he whispered, his blue eyes closed.

‘I can’t keep away from you, I can’t stop thinking about the way your back arches when you cum, about how loudly you would moan my name, how the heel of your foot would dig into my back…’

Clara closed her eyes, a moan escaping her lips, ‘It’s – it isn’t right… I – I,’ she stuttered, finding the strength to push him away.

He grabbed her wrist, Clara heard herself whimper as she felt his cock pressed hard against her.

John inhaled sharply, his mouth inches from hers as he spoke in a low voice, his Scottish accent thick, ‘I just – I need you to know that I’ve thought about you… I still do, and I know that you think about me too,’ he murmured, opening his eyes to look at her.

Clara growled in frustration, ‘And what if I do? That’s my problem, John, you said it was just sex, so let’s just leave it at that, neither one of us wants to break Matt’s heart,’ she sighed, the need to feel his lips on her flesh tantalizing.

John watched her, his hand dropping to her waist as his fingers curled around her waist, ‘Do you think about me when you’re fucking him, Clara? When you have your fingers buried inside yourself, do you think about my fingers replacing them?’ he muttered, his lips inches from hers as he realised just how badly he was crossing the line.

What the hell was he doing?

Clara couldn’t deny that she thought about him, imagined him when she fucked Matt, but now that she knew who he was, it made her sick. Clara tried to move away from him, but if appeared her body had a different idea as she pressed her lips against his. It felt so good, and yet she could feel the guilt crawling to the surface. 

John immediately kissed her back, knowing it would crush Matt, but once his lips were on hers, he didn’t seem to care. His hands reached up to cup her cheeks, his long fingers tugging on her hair. He kissed her with all the passion he could master, pushing her up against the wall behind them. Once they needed air, he managed to pull away from Clara, her bottom lip between his teeth.

Clara took a moment to regain her breathing, to regain her senses as she slapped him fairly hard. Once he stumbled backwards, she ran from the room, her conscious torn between the man she thought she loved, and the one that made her feel alive. John almost fell right over from the force of the slap, rubbing at his face. The night was coming to an end, and John basically kicked his family from his home. Matt hadn’t drank a thing, so he drove himself and Clara back to her flat, where he nervously asked if he could stay the night.

Clara walked in first, obviously shaking from the night’s event. Her lips still tasted of John. 

That kiss.

‘Um, of course, but…’ she said, shaking her head, ‘Yeah, sorry, of course you can,’ she whispered, leading him inside.

Matt smiled and kissed her hand, the velvet box in his pocket sitting comfortably. He wouldn’t propose yet, it wasn’t the right time. Matt stepped forward and dipped to kiss her, his force gentle as he wrapped his arms around her. Clara felt numb as he kissed her, it wasn’t the same, and yet she knew she couldn’t continue to picture John every time she was with Matt. She wrapped her arms around him, her face hiding in the crook of his neck. She felt his hands wander to cup her ass, and Clara immediately stiffened.  
‘Can we not? I have a headache,’ she told him, pulling away as she reached up on her tip toes and kissed his cheek. 

She made her way to her bedroom, Matt following after her. Clara couldn’t sleep that night, and yet the soft ping of her phone startled her. She glanced over at Matt to see him fast asleep before reading John’s name across her screen.

The message read, ‘’It was nice to see you again. If you don’t want this, if you don’t want me, tell me to stop and I will. But my attraction to you is too obvious to ignore, I’m not going to tell Matt if you don’t’

John was sat on his couch at home, drunk off his face as he thought about his son’s girlfriend. What the fuck was he going to do? All he wanted was her. Could they really do this? Can they really start an affair behind Matt’s back?

Clara groaned as she reread the message over and over. One glance over to Matt told her she couldn’t break his heart, couldn’t break his trust any further.

‘I won’t lie and say I haven’t thought about you, pictured you whilst I’m with him, but now that I know who you are, I can’t. I can barely even look at Matt.’

John sighed heavily when he received the message, his heart racing as he placed down his beer bottle and reached for the Whiskey. Well, it was worth a try. He spent the rest of the night drinking and only just managed to wake up for work the next morning.


	3. Could you stay, just for tonight?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clara has to tell Matt, she can't live with the guilt any longer... Although, she doesn't tell Matt who she slept with

Clara moaned as she felt someone between her legs.

Memories of a month ago flashed through her mind, as she ground against his mouth. Her back arched, thinking of John, about how his mouth could unravel her. And yet, even laced with sleep Clara was about to moan John’s name until she batted her eyes open and found Matt between her legs.

‘Jesus, Matt, what?’ she murmured, her voice raspy as she felt her walls clench around his tongue.

Matt growled under his breath, not realising she was about to moan somebody else’s name. He licked her clean and swallowed most of her juices, smirking up at Clara as he wiped his long chin, ‘Sorry, I thought I might wake you up with a treat considering I’ve been away for so long. You don’t mind, do you?’

Clara felt insanely guilty. Should she tell him though? Could she bare not having him in her life? She ultimately cleared her throat as she sat up, a soft smile on her lips as she nodded in response, ‘It was perfect,’ she murmured, kissing his cheek.

Even if she was asleep.

He smiled, a bright crimson coloured blush spreading his cheeks as a deep dimple appeared on his cheek whenever he smiled at her, ‘I’m just going to shower then I’m off to work,’ Matt sent her a wink and soon got out of bed, heading towards her bathroom.

Clara flopped back onto the bed, groaning. She couldn’t continue this, there was only one solution. She went to reach for her grandmother’s necklace, but found her neck bare, ‘Fuck,’ she muttered under her breath, realising she must have left it at John’s.

John had arrived home quite early for a few hours to nap whilst he wasn’t on call at the hospital, being a plastics surgeon had its good side, as he didn’t always have to be at work unless there was an appointment or an emergency surgery with a victim of burns or serious trauma he had to fix. On the ground, he spotted a necklace as he went to pick it up, he figured it could only belong to one person; Clara. 

Was this fate pulling them back together?

Clara headed towards John’s place after work, after her better judgement. She knocked on the door quite nervously. Why was she nervous? Did she not trust herself with him? She berated herself for even coming and was about to turn around, before she heard the door creak open.

John stood there, in a blue cardigan and boxer shorts, his hair a wild mess and glasses on his face, ‘Sorry I didn’t get to the door quicker, I was reading…’ he paused when he realised who it was and cleared his throat, standing up straight.

‘I assume you’re here for your necklace? I found it when I got home earlier,’

Clara let her gaze linger over his toned body, she licked her lower lip before ripping her gaze away and clearing her throat, ‘Um, yes, yes I am…’ she sighed, extending her arm, keeping him as far away from her as possible.

John noticed the look she gave him and he would know that gaze anywhere, that look was from a woman who wanted what she couldn’t possibly have. He stared at her arm before he realised what she wanted, ‘Oh, hold on,’ he murmured, disappearing into his house.

Moments later, he handed her the necklace, ‘Have a nice day,’

Clara stood, shocked. For a moment, she thought he’d invite her in, for a moment she thought he would… Clara shook those thoughts away from her head as she walked back to her car and drove to her flat. It was obvious John didn’t want her anymore, and a part of her was relieved. She’d tell Matt the truth, well partially and if he still loved her after that, she’d forget about John and try to move on with Matt. Clara drove over to Matt’s place, her heart in her throat as she walked up the steps and knocked on his door.

Matt opened his door, having just returned from work as he pulled her inside and kissed the top of her head, ‘Hello, munchkin,’ he grinned, sitting her down on the couch as he moved towards the kitchen.

‘Do you want some tea? Coffee?’

Clara shook her head as she swallowed hard, playing with the rings on her fingers, ‘Um, there’s something we need to talk about… Something I did,’ she said, almost afraid of losing him as she gestured for him to sit.

Matt frowned, a little confused as he sat beside her, an already scared puppy dog look on his face, ‘What’s wrong? Are you okay? Are you ill? Please tell me you’re not ill,’  
Clara’s heart broke as she saw him.

How could she have done this to him? How could she have let it go so far?

‘No, no I’m not,’ she whispered, inhaling sharply, ‘Remember a month ago? You left for a trip,’ she began, her voice shaky as she looked up at him.

‘I – I slept with someone, just that one night, but I can’t live with the guilt anymore,’

Matt frowned, and his emerald eyes filled with tears as he choked on his own voice, ‘What?’ he murmured, his fingers fidgeting on his lap.

‘I don’t understand – why? Why would you do that? Everything was going fine in our relationship, wasn’t it?’

Clara’s eyes burned, the tears welling up behind her eyes, ‘I know… But you hadn’t, we hadn’t and I thought…’ she muttered, her voice low as she refused to look at him.  
‘That’s no excuse I know, and trust me I feel sick,’ 

Matt swallowed and stood up, the panic evident in his body language as he suddenly burst into a fit of anger and pointed to his front door, ‘Get out!’ he demanded, his anger issues still there from when his mother had died, never really cured.

‘Get out and don’t even come back into my flat again!’

Clara arose in a heartbeat, flinching as he threw a vase, nearly missing her as the shards flew right at her head, ‘I’m sorry…’ she managed to say before picking up her bag and leaving.

She cried and berated herself the whole drive to her flat. Clara was in such a state, she hadn’t realised that her tire was in fact flat. Clara gasped as she was run off the road, her heart racing as the moment of freight passed. She stopped the car and immediately checked the damage. Clara cursed as she noticed the flat tire. She was crying, it was cold, and raining. She called the only person she knew wouldn’t judge her, she called John.

After a few rings, John picked up his phone with a small smile, but it quickly faded when he remembered he shouldn’t be talking to her. But what if she was in trouble? What if Matt found out? He sighed and answered the phone, his Scottish accent thick.

‘Is something the matter? Why are you calling?’

Clara bit her thumb as she took a minute to respond, ‘J – John, I was in a bit of an accident, could you… Could you come and get me? Tires flat,’ 

John nodded, a little bit panicked that she sounded as if she was in pain, ‘I’ll be right there,’ he told her, cancelling the call. He jumped into his car and drove to help her, climbing out of his car when he spotted her.

‘Clara? Clara? Are you hurt?’ he questioned her, his hands on her forearms. 

Why hadn’t she called Matt?

Clara coughed and shivered, ‘I’ll be fine… just wet,’ she muttered, clinging to her coat, ‘I just have a flat tire… Didn’t know who to call,’ 

It was more than a flat, her total rear side was damaged, there was no way she could drive off, she’d need a tow to her place.

John sighed and bent down to inspect the car further, frowning, ‘Yeah, there’s far too much damage. I’ll tell you what, how about I drive you back to your flat?’ he questioned her, standing up from his position on the ground.

‘I’ll call somebody to pick up your car,’

Clara nodded, barely noticed the cut above her eye. She winced as a bit of blood rolled down her face, ‘Yeah, yeah, that would be best. Don’t worry, I’ll pay you back for the towing fee.’ She said, walking to the driver’s side.

She wobbled a bit as she picked up her phone and purse. Once they were back at her place, Clara quickly undressed before wrapping herself in a blanket.

‘Thank you,’ she said sincerely.

He nodded, a little smile on his face as he watched her curl into her blanket, ‘Clara, I think I should stay,’ John voiced, the genuine worry in his voice as he took a deep breath and sat on the couch next to her, switching on the TV. 

He wanted to reach across the clean the wound above her eyebrow, but it seemed like an unnatural thing to do between a man and his supposed daughter in law.

Clara didn’t say a word, she simply nodded, ‘I told him,’ she said after a while, ‘Don’t worry, I didn’t tell him it was you.’

John slowly nodded, ‘Oh,’ he whispered underneath his breath, trying to control how she made him feel.

How could somebody make him feel the way she did? How was it possible to feet this much raw attraction in a short space of time? Now that they knew they’d probably be related soon through marriage, it still didn’t stop the intense gaze they gave each other.

Clara nodded, trying to keep her tears at bay, ‘He wants nothing to do with me, threw a vase at me…’ she stopped when she heard a loud knock at her door, following by Matt’s voice.

Clara’s heart sank, as she turned to John. Matt couldn’t find out it was him she’d slept with.

John’s blue eyes widened and swallowed roughly, ‘Hide,’ he told her sternly, helping her up from the couch as he nodded to a different room.

‘In there,’ John told her, getting rid of any sign that she was here as he opened the door to his son.

‘Matt, what’s wrong?’

Matt arched his eyebrow, confusion written all over his face, ‘What? What are you doing in Clara’s flat?’ he questioned, stepping inside, looking for Clara.

Why was his father here?

‘Where’s Clara?’ she asked, obviously drunk out of his mind as he slurred his words.

John coughed awkwardly when he realised he was in fact, in Clara’s flat. Why hadn’t he used his brain? He refrained from rolling his eyes at himself and took a deep breath, ‘She’s in her bedroom asleep, I was the only person she could call. Apparently you threw a vase at her,’ he sighed and watched as Matt stumbled towards him.

‘Sit down, son…’ he told him, leading the lanky man towards the couch.

Matt pulled away from his grasp, ‘No…’ he managed to say as he staggered onto the couch, ‘She – She fucked another man!’ he said accusingly as he pointed into his chest.  
‘I thought she loved me, I was even going to…’ he stopped himself as he ran to the sink and threw up.

John frowned and sighed, walking after Matt as he patted his back for comfort, ‘Son, it’s okay… You’re okay, you’re just in shock,’ he whispered, running his fingers through his own grey curls.

‘She told me when I got here, she’s just as upset as you are… I think she’s just scared of the next step in your relationship,’ he murmured, stepping away from Matt as the guilt caught up with him.

Matt pushed him away, ‘I love her! But I want to bash the head in of the man she fucked,’ he growled, jumping forward to punch a wall.

‘I need to know who it was, who she slept with!’ he exclaimed, beginning to walk towards Clara’s bedroom.

John swallowed hard, he’d never seen his son this angry, not since his mother died. He shook the thought from his head and watched as Matt ran towards Clara’s bedroom. His legs seemed to move on their own and soon enough, he was pulling him back.

‘Matt, I don’t think that’s a good idea, you shouldn’t talk to her whilst you’re drunk and angry… And you might hurt her, you seemed to manage it just now when you threw that vase at her. You could have killed her,’

Matt stopped. He’d hurt his Clara, ‘No! I need to see her, make sure she’s okay,’ he growled, pushing John out of the way as he banged on her door.

Clara simply kept the door firmly locked, ‘Matt, please, just go. I’m fine, just go please,’ she whimpered, afraid of what he would do.

Once Matt left in a cab, she walked out of the room, her eyes on John as if asking for the answers.

John walked up to her, his gaze soft and almost comforting as he rubbed her shoulder, his other hand gently wiping away the blood on her forehead, ‘Are you okay? I’m sure he didn’t mean it…’ he reassured her, his own mind racing.

What if he had meant it? What if he was becoming violent?

Clara didn’t say a word, only hid her face in the crook of his neck. She inhaled sharply, her heart racing as she looked up at him, ‘Could you, could you stay? Just for tonight,’ 

John felt his heart racing when her face dropped into his neck, his palms suddenly sweaty. Why was she affecting him like this? It was just sex, she loved Matt.

‘Yeah, yeah, I’ll stay. Just throw me a blanket and I’ll sleep on the couch,’

Clara looked at him for a moment, her big round eyes filled with something she couldn’t quite place as she stood there in front of him, ‘Yeah, of course…’ she said, as if she was expecting him to sleep in the same room as her.

Maybe he really didn’t care about her, didn’t really care that he had a hand in messing her relationship up with Matt. Clara handed him the blanket, retreating into her own bedroom.


	4. Full of Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clara and John carry on their affair as Clara thinks back to when she first met Matt...

Clara awoke early the next morning, finding the flat empty. 

She figured it was her own fault, as she stepped inside the shower, letting the warm water wash away her pain.

John had popped out and came right back to Clara’s flat, holding a bag of food. Whilst she was in the shower, he made her pancakes and a bowl of strawberries with whipped cream and a glass of orange juice. He set the plates down on the table and waited for her to emerge from her bedroom as he made himself toast.

Clara walked out in nothing but a long oversized shirt, she didn’t realise John was there until she saw the back of his curly head, ‘You’re still here?’ she said, between confused and glad.

A soft smile crossed her lips as she noticed the trouble he’d gone to making her breakfast, Matt had never been one to do that for her. She sat down and took a sip of her orange juice, watching John carefully.

John nodded and sent her a smile over his shoulder, ‘I hope you don’t mind,’ he murmured, turning around to rest his back against the counter, eating his slice of toast.  
‘I wasn’t sure what you liked, so I just got you a bit of everything,’

Clara sent him a soft smile, her dimple noticeable as she nodded in agreement, ‘It’s perfect, thank you,’ she mused, letting her gaze linger over his face. He definitely didn’t look his age.

He nodded and pointed to her food, a smile on his face, ‘Dig in,’ John told her, turning around to face the sink as he washed up his plates and made himself busy.

It was as if he was trying not to look at her, trying to ignore the deep feeling he felt whenever he looked at her. Clara noticed his aversion to looking at her, maybe he found her just as sick as she felt. How could she have done this? She stood and simply walked over to her purse, drawing the money she owed him before walking up to him.

‘I always pay my favours,’ she told him, handing John the money, ‘I know you can’t stand to look at me, but have you thought about how I feel?’ she murmured, taking a few steps forward.

‘You don’t think I feel guilty? My relationship is broken, I should be upset because of it, but I’m not…’ 

She flapped her arms to the side when he simply gave her a confused stare, ‘I’m not in love with Matt!’

John slowly nodded, inhaling sharply as he set the money down and shot her a look. It wasn’t a look of judgement, but rather a look of ‘I already knew that’ he sighed and stepped closer to Clara, his hand brushing a strand of her hair behind her ear.

‘I knew that from the moment you slept with me, even if I didn’t actually know you were my son’s girlfriend…’

Clara closed her eyes and leaned into his touch, truth was no matter how hard she tried to forget John, she couldn’t, ‘John, please… I’m not his girlfriend, not since last night,’  
She should be happy, but she knew that John and she could never be together, if Matt found out it would break his heart even more to know she slept with his father.

He sighed and wrapped his arms around her in a gentle hug, his body pressed against hers, ‘I’m sorry…’ John murmured into her hair, enjoying the way she smelt, the way she said his name.

He wanted nothing more than to kiss her, tell her she was his, but he couldn’t. She was his son’s. 

John took a deep breath, pulling back to look Clara in the eye, ‘You need to talk to him, just sit down and talk, and if you really can’t be with him anymore, then that’s okay. Either way, it will be fine, I promise you.’

Clara gazed into his eyes, her hand cupping his face, ‘Don’t you see? I don’t want him,’ she murmured, her thumb brushing against his bottom lip.

‘I haven’t been able to be with him since… I want you,’ she sighed, her heart racing. Her gaze faltered to her feet as she held onto him.

John swallowed roughly, his mouth open as his breathing came out uneven and callous, ‘I…’ he trailed off and before he could stop himself, or say anything that would kick the rational thought back into Clara, he bent down and kissed her with all the passion he could master, his teeth dragging out her bottom lip.

Clara’s breathing hitched as she let out a ragged and raspy moan. She knew she should stop him, in case Matt had the idea of coming back into her flat, but she couldn’t find the words nor the will power to push him away. She gasped as he lifted her and sat her on the kitchen counter, her legs instantly spread to accommodate him as she kissed him back with just as much force. His hands gripped at her, trying to take her clothes off as his mouth still worked against hers, teeth clattering together with how clumsy and desperate they were becoming. After a few seconds, John managed to take Clara’s blouse off, both of his hands reaching down to unbutton her jeans as he continued to kiss her, their lips never parting away from each other’s.

Clara groaned as she struggled with his buttons, but ultimately managed to undress him. Her breathing came out ragged as she watched him, his hands all over her body. John panted heavily, unable to stop himself from just looking at her, appreciating every curve of her body. He couldn’t get enough of her, she was perfect and now all of sudden, this wasn’t just sex anymore. He bent to cup her cheeks, a gentle smirk on his face as he unbuckled his belt and dropped it, his boxers following shortly after. Once he pushed Clara’s jeans down and got off her knickers, he was inside of her, his hand slamming down on the kitchen counter.

Clara bit onto her flip, her knuckles turning white as she held onto the edge of the table, ‘John…’ she moaned breathlessly, her voice filled with want as she looked at him.

For a moment, it was just them. No guilt, no regret, just them joined together.

His lips brushed against hers, nodding his head as if it was a silent confirmation that this was okay – he didn’t mind, he would deal with the consequences – John took a deep breath and buried his face into her neck, panting heavily as his hands cupped her ass and pushed her body towards his, they seemed to fit together perfectly.

Clara held onto his shoulders, her hips rolling in time with his as she kissed along his neck, her hand exploring every muscle along his back. She moaned as he tilted his thrust, hitting a sensitive spot, ‘I need you…’ she said truthfully, he’d become like a drug, an addiction she didn’t want to leave.

John nodded, growling under his breath as his knuckles pressed hard against the kitchen counter, thrusting inside of her until he could feel her thighs shaking. He smirked, his voice in her ear, ‘Are you close, Clara?’ he whispered, rolling the ‘R’ in her name on purpose.

Clara whimpered as she bit her bottom lip. He knew what his accent did to her, what effect it had on her, ‘Harder, faster…’ she murmured, biting along his neck as her hands threaded into the still few dark curls he had.

Clara urged him on, her heels digging into his backside. She was too enthralled in John, in bringing him with her over the edge. Flashbacks of a month ago ran through his mind, of her heels digging into his back, how good it felt to feel her scratch over his shoulders and back, he couldn’t quite believe it was happening again and now the guilt was setting in. John only slammed into her harder until he came with a quiet groan, spilling inside of her as he placed lazy kisses over her chest.

Clara came instantly with his name on her lips, her hands cupping his face as she held him whilst her body trembled, she knew there was no way she could go back now. She’d choose him over anyone, any day.

Flashback – 17th April 2005

At first, Clara didn’t even want to go to grief counselling. She was doing just fine on her own, wasn’t she? She had her friends, she had Nina, she was okay.

Aside from the nightmares and the occasional mental breakdown, she was fine. 

Okay, now she understood why her father wanted her to attend this stupid counselling group. She looked around the circle of mostly teenagers, and people a little older than her, including the prat who ran this shitfest. Chris was half bald, his shirt always tucked in and he spoke with such a thick Yorkshire accent that Clara could barely understand, even if she was from Lancashire. She slumped her bag down by her feet, her arms folded over her chest as the strands of her auburn hair fell over her face, she was more than irritated by this group of people than her father and that was saying something. To her left, sat Rebecca, a twenty something chav with greasy blonde hair, eyes too small for her face and marks down her arms that suggested she was a heroin addict. To Clara’s right, sat the ‘weird girl’ of the group, she must have been only a few years older than Clara, around eighteen and she was covered in burns that made it look as if she had scales.

Clara didn’t judge, she didn’t care about her ‘disfigurement’ but the girl was bloody weird and a little psychotic. 

Opposite Clara sat a redhead with incredible legs, who always complained about not having parents and having to live with her Aunt. And next to the redhead sat Rory, a sandy haired boy who was just there for Amy, because the redhead always refused to sit down unless he was with her, at first, Clara just assumed Rory was her gay best friend or her brother, but turns out it was her very love sick boyfriend.

Poor sod.

Clara looked to the other side of Amy and Rory, to find a young girl with short blonde hair, an annoyingly beaming smile and her inability to sit still. That was Rose, always optimistic and insisting she didn’t have problems – that she could handle it. Clara could relate with the blonde at least, she was optimistic that this would be her one and only session. Now that she thought about it, Clara didn’t really know why Rose was her. She didn’t seem to have anything wrong with her… 

A chair next to her scraped along the floor, starling Clara from her thoughts.

She turned her head and scoffed, great, another sad nut case she had to listen to in their ‘circle of trust’ as Chris called it. She had to admit, the guy was as handsome as Brad Pitt, but she strictly onto wanted friends – not that she had come here to make friends – but nevertheless, relationships were not her thing, not since Nina. The guy next to her had to be around her age, probably about seventeen. He had an insanely long chin, emerald green eyes and floppy brown hair that fell over his face. He didn’t have any spots, which surprised her, most teenaged boys had spots. He was wearing a casual shirt and a hoodie over the top of it, he must have been boiling in the dark jeans he was wearing. She could deal with this, he looked normal, not like an out of control nut case like the rest of them. 

Clara could sense him staring at her and whilst Chris was too busy talking about himself, she turned to look at him, ‘Could you stop staring at me? I can see that overly large chin out of the corner of my eye and it’s pretty irritating,’

The boy snorted, his hands in the pockets of his hoodie, ‘She talks instead of judging everyone from a distance, what a shocker,’

Clara scoffed, ‘Of course I talk, jackass. Now, get your chin out of my view before I throw my chair at you,’

‘Oh, great, it’s a violent one. Is that what you’re here for, anger issues?’

She looked away from him, her jaw clenching, ‘Piss off, Chin Boy.’

‘Sure,’ he shrugged, standing up from his chair.

Clara turned her head, a little bit confused about what he was exactly doing. What was wrong with this kid? He dragged his chair to the opposite side of the room, everyone staring at him and even Chris looked a little pissed off, crossing his arms over his chest and licking his top lip like he always did when somebody pissed him off.

‘Are you quite done, Matthew?’ Chris snapped and the boy dropped himself onto the chair, one leg stuck out and the very bottom of his back firmly planted into the seat.

Wow, this guy was going to get on her nerves, she could already tell.

‘So everyone,’ Chris announced in his highly annoying accent, ‘We’re going to go round in a circle and tell everyone’s story at once,’

‘Great,’ mumbled Clara, rolling her eyes when Chris shot her a glare.

Chris turned his seat to face the skittish blonde, ‘Okay, Rose, would you like to go first?’

Rose audibly swallowed and gave everyone a stare before she opened her mouth, pulling on the sleeves of her cardigan, ‘Um, I’m Rose. I’m twenty one, and a few years ago a man abducted me and I developed Stockholm Syndrome, that’s what my mum said, anyway.’

Clara’s ears suddenly perked up, leaning forward in her seat, ‘Sorry – what? You were abducted? I haven’t heard that in the news, did they find you pretty quickly, is that why nobody noticed?’

Chris raised his voice at her, ‘Don’t be so insensitive, Clara,’

At the mention of her name, Chin Boy stared right at her again. Oh, brilliant, now he wasn’t going to stop pestering her. 

Rose shook her head, picking at her sleeves that already had quite big holes in them, ‘No, no… It’s fine, Chris, I – um, I loved him.’

‘You loved your abductor? Yeah, your mum’s probably right about that Stockholm Syndrome,’ sighed Amy, her green eyes stuck on the ceiling, she seemed as bored and as out of place as Clara felt.

Rose took a deep breath, ‘I loved him… He was my best friend, called himself The Doctor,’

Clara seemed to take further interest in Rose’s story, ‘He called himself The Doctor? Why? What’s that all about?’

There was an uncomfortable silence around the room.

Chin Boy stood up, his chair scraping along the floor as he clapped his hands together, ‘I’m Matthew Robert Song, son of the famous Doctor John Smith and the Archaeologist River Song and well, you all know what happened to my mother,’ he sighed, slumping back down into his chair.

Clara didn’t.

When the pregnant girl, Rebecca, started to talk, Clara lent across to the weird girl who’s name she couldn’t remember, ‘Oi, you,’ she whispered, trying to get her attention.

The girl hissed at her, her brown eyes lit with a certain type of anger, ‘What?’

‘Chin Boy, what happened to his mother?’

‘My name is Vastra, thanks for asking,’ snapped the weird girl, looking over to Matt who seemed to be day dreaming, ‘Haven’t you heard?’

Clara shook her head.

‘Matt’s the son of that famous couple, you know, the two Doctors who jumped down a cliff to save a little girl, they were all over the news. Except, people believe John pushed River down the cliff and saved the little girl instead, but John’s insisting she slipped.’

Clara stared at her, ‘And did she?’

‘Do I look like a cop?’

Clara shrugged, ‘You could be, in the future, if you stay alive that long that is, you look like you’re about to top yourself,’ she sighed, slapping Vastra’s arm before she remembered the burns, ‘Sorry about that. Uh, thanks for the info, appreciate it,’

Vastra simply nodded.

 

End of Flashback

 

Clara snapped from her trance, her decision final. Matt had changed, he wasn’t the man she knew anymore, the man she had first met, even if he was a bit of an ass at first. Now, he was just an ass full stop, she knew things about him that John didn’t. 

‘What are we going to do? Keep it a secret?’

John swallowed roughly, carefully slipping out of her but he simply landed on top of her, his voice in her ear, ‘We can carry this on, as a secret…’ he murmured, hoping she would take the hint to at least try with Matt, even if it didn’t work out.

But he wasn’t exactly saying they should stop seeing each other, this was just the beginning of an affair.

Clara nodded and wrapped her arms around him, ‘I’m not going back to Matt, but I don’t want him to know… About this,’ she said honestly, brushing back the curls from his face.  
A soft smile passed her lips as she took in the sight of him, he truly was handsome, his eyes as blue as the inside of a diamond, and equally mysterious. 

He nodded, scoffing as he tried to lighten the mood, ‘Funnily enough, neither do I,’ he smiled at her touch and once she dropped her hands from him, he pulled on his boxers and trousers, buckling his belt.

‘But… Just speak to him, okay, Clara? Get him to understand,’

Clara arched her eyebrow and frowned as he buckled his trousers. Was it still just sex for him? Clara cleared her throat as she too stood and redressed, ‘Understand what? That I’m fucking his father?’ 

John stopped to stare at her, just managing to pull his shirt on, ‘Understand where you’re coming from. You know, you could just be getting cold feet. Maybe you do love him, just see how it goes after you’ve spoken to him. Okay? Don’t make any quick decisions?’

Clara frowned, ‘Is that what you want? Me to love him?’ she questioned him. 

Was he just playing with her? 

‘Okay, I will…’

He smiled, although it was a fake one, of course he didn’t want Clara to leave him and go back to his son, but he had no choice. It would break Matt to lose her. 

John took a deep breath and pulled on his shirt, ‘I’ll see you in a few days, change my number to somebody you and Matt know, so he doesn’t suspect anything,’

Clara inhaled sharply and nodded, trying to ignore the knot forming in her throat as she watched him leave. A couple of days passed when Clara reached out to Matt, her heart ached as her stomach turned, waiting for him outside of his flat.

Matt let the flat, a full beard grown as he shoved his hands into his pockets, ‘Clara,’ he murmured, his emerald eyes on her.

He took out a lighter and a cigarette, offering one to her, ‘Do you want one?’

Clara noticed his sudden difference in appearance, but chose to ignore it. She simply shook her head at the cigarette he offered, ‘No, thank you. Since when do you smoke?’ she asked, walking aimlessly.

She looked at him in wonderment, wondered what he was thinking, wondered how things would play out.

He stared at her, his eyes full of love for his Clara, ‘I – um,’ Matt cleared his throat and smoked the rest of his cigarette, ‘It’s good to see you again, I didn’t think I’d get the chance,’

Clara shoved her hands into her pockets as she walked alongside him, ‘I tried calling, texting, but you never answered,’ she began, continuing to walk near a coffee shop.  
‘Matt – I’m sorry for what I did,’ 

Matt nodded, inhaling sharply, ‘I needed some time,’ he simply told her, but didn’t elaborate further, ‘Are you sure you’re sorry?’ he asked her, his voice level and calm.

Clara stopped and took hold of his forearm, ‘Of course I am… I shouldn’t have done it, but I think it served to show me how I feel about you,’ she said, raising her gaze to meet his.

‘I love you Matt, and I care about you, but…’

Matt shook his head, his jaw clenching as he held up his hand, ‘Don’t,’ he warned her, his voice stern.

He took a step closer to her, his lips brushing against hers, ‘I’ll be better, I promise, Clara. I won’t work so much, I’ll make you my top priority, please… Just give us one more chance, you made a mistake.’

Clara closed her eyes, she could break it off, but it seemed as if John only wanted her for sex whilst Matt wanted a life with her. She inhaled sharply as her hands shook in his, ‘From this day forward, I promise I won’t make any more mistakes… I’ll give us another try,’ she said, wrapping her arms around him.

‘Forgive me?’


	5. It's getting harder to hide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clara continues her affair with John, whilst asking a very important question to Matt...

A few weeks passed and Clara was starting to fall back in love with Matt. He’d become far more attentive, more loving and for once Clara knew she’d made the right decision. 

John was beginning to get worried. Did she not want him? Had she changed her mind? He took a deep breath and sent her a quick text, ‘Clara, I’m worried. Is everything okay? Will you meet me at mine in a few hours?’

Clara was snuggled alongside Matt as they watched a cheesy movie, Matt’s idea, when she heard the familiar ping of her phone. She discreetly read the faux name she assigned John. She cleared her throat and excused herself before heading into the bathroom.

She groaned as she read the text, it had been days since she’d successively avoided him. She wasn’t one to cheat, especially on someone like Matt, and thus her fingers began typing on their own.

‘You didn’t want me John… You only want sex’ she wrote and was on the verge of sending when she deleted it and simply wrote; ‘On my way’ Clara made a silly excuse to Matt before driving over to John’s place. 

As soon as she arrived, John opened the door, a smile on his face, ‘Clara…’ he muttered, rolling the ‘R’ in her name. He didn’t want to know if she and Matt had gotten back together, he just wanted her.

John tugged her into the living room, shutting the front door as he stepped forward to kiss her, having missed her for the days that she had been gone.

Clara berated herself mentally. She couldn’t be doing this, she needed to stop him, but who has she kidding? She instantly melted under his touch, ‘John…’ she meant to say sternly, as a warning to back off, but it sounded more of a wanton moan.

She hummed, tasting the fresh coffee he had, along with some biscuits along his tongue. After a few minutes, Clara found the courage to push him away, ‘John, stop!’

John stumbled backwards, a frown on his face, ‘Clara?’ he whispered, blue eyes locked onto hers, ‘I thought – I thought you wanted this, as our secret… I thought you wanted me,’   
he muttered, reaching his hand out for her.

‘Please, Clara, we can deal with the consequences if Matt finds out, but we have to keep it a secret for now,’

Clara sighed and nodded, ‘I do… did want you,’ she corrected herself as she felt his hand enclose hers.

‘John, you told me to get back with Matt? You make me feel like a common whore…’ she breathed, taking back her hand.

‘I was willing to be with you, and keep it a secret, as long as Matt was out of the picture, I can’t be with you both… I – just can’t,’

John frowned and stepped forward, ‘Yes, you can, Clara…’ he murmured, noticing the shocked look she gave him.

‘And do you know why? Because you don’t love him like you used to, you want me… And you can have me if we keep it a secret from Matt,’ he took her hand, turning it over in his hand.

‘I know you want this, Clara, and I know you have it in you, there’s a side to you that Matt hasn’t seen but I see right through you and I accept it. Okay, I accept it. Sometimes, people just aren’t good, and we’re one of those people. We aren’t good, Clara.’

Clara frowned and arched her eyebrow, ‘You – you want me to continue to fuck your son? Whilst fucking you, is that right? I just want to know, so I can understand,’

John inhaled sharply, ‘Yes…’ he took a deep breath and watched her closely, ‘If you’re prepared to do that, I won’t end this. I just want you to know you’re prepared for this, that you know what’s going to happen from now on…’

Clara shook her head, ‘No,’ she whispered, ‘I won’t and I can’t do that to Matt,’ she said, walking up to him, rightfully cross.

‘I may not love him, but I’m sure he does love me! I won’t be part of your sick fantasy,’ she said, poking into his chest.

‘He’s your son!’ Clara yelled, smacking him right across his face.

John yelped in pain, holding onto his face as it stung viciously, ‘Clara…’ he breathed, his expression clear and hurt.

He stepped closer to her and kissed her again, his large hands cupping her face as he pressed her up against the wall behind them. His hands moved over her body, dipping under her back to pull Clara flush up against him. Clara’s breath hitched as her blood ran cold, she wanted to give in, wanted to let him take her there and then, and yet she couldn’t do that to Matt. She may not love him, but she couldn’t cheat on him. Her hands tugged on his curls as she kissed him and she found herself wondering – why couldn’t she just push him away? Why couldn’t she stop him? She found herself moaning into his mouth, against her better judgement as he pulled her tight up against him. John growled under his breath, his lips never leaving hers. Once he was sure she wasn’t going to pull away, he grabbed Clara around her waist and pulled her up, carrying her to his bedroom. Once they were inside, he dropped her onto the mattress and stripped her of her clothes. His tongue darted out and quickly lapped at her, his thumb pressing hard against her clit as if he was determined to make her cum quickly. Clara whimpered, arching her back as she ground against his mouth. It didn’t take her long to cum, and even less to feel as horrible as she did.

John panted heavily, wiping his chin clean, ‘I…’ he took a deep breath and dropped beside her, kissing into her hair.

‘I’m sorry it has to be like this this,’

Clara stiffened under his touch, looking up at him, her eyes wide and broken as she looked at him, ‘Does it?’ she asked, but she knew the answer, knew she couldn’t quit this – quit him.

Clara leaned against him, quiet for a moment before she opened her mouth to speak, ‘Okay…’

John bent down to kiss her, his fingers in her hair, ‘Are you staying for a while?’ he muttered, turning his head to kiss along her jawline and throat.

‘We can… Mess around, if you want.’

Clara laughed, ‘We can… I doubt you’re one for cuddling,’ she mused, pouncing on top of him.

Clara raked her nails down his chest, beginning to rid him of his clothes.

He smirked and shrugged his shoulders, ‘I don’t mind cuddling,’ John whispered, but he was sure she hadn’t heard him. When she had him undressed, he flexed his muscles on purpose, hoping she wouldn’t notice, he wanted to look good for her, although he wouldn’t admit it to her or himself.

She had to give it to the man, he was insanely handsome, and knew how to fuck her well. She pulled away and brought her hand to his lips when he tried to kiss her, ‘Ah, none of that!’ she protested, her brown eyes wide.

‘This is just sex…’ she repeated back his words rather harshly, ‘No kissing, no cuddling… I have Matt for that,’ she teased, bending down to wrap her lips around his cock.  
John pouted, his eyes on hers, ‘But…’ he murmured, his voice soft.

Never mind, she obviously didn’t feel the same way about him, she loved Matt, she only wanted to fuck him. 

He took a deep breath when her mouth neared his cock, his fingers winding into her hair, ‘Shit, Clara…’

Clara focused on making him cum, just as he had earlier. She couldn’t deny that she loved the taste of him, the feel of his cock down her small throat. She continued to bob between his legs, her hand stroking what she couldn’t fit into her mouth. Clara fought back the tears, she could see now that he only wanted to fuck her, that he didn’t care about her, and nevertheless she continued because he was her addiction after all.

‘Cum for me, baby…’

At her words, John clenched his fingers around her hair, yanking hard on it, ‘Shit!’ he gasped, his body rolling up towards her mouth as the rest of his cock managed to fit.  
Within seconds, he came hard down her throat, his blue eyes closing as she choked and struggled to breathe again. 

He raised his head up, his hand gentle on her cheek as he cupped it, wiping her face clean, ‘Clara? Are you okay? Was it too much?’

Clara shook her head, wiping her face. She smirked at him, straddling the older man as she slowly sank down on his cock. It didn’t take long for him to cum again as he was still sensitive from earlier. Once she came herself, she quickly dressed herself and went to leave, feeling more sick with each day that passed.

How was she going to keep this up?

Clara headed straight for Matt’s flat.

And once she had arrived, she found her boyfriend fast asleep on the couch.

Clara crawled against his side, curling around his body as she cried herself to sleep.

The morning after, she had a sudden change of attitude, she could keep this up, and she could handle it.

She had it all under control.

‘Let’s move in together,’ Clara whispered, wrapping her arms around her lanky boyfriend.

Matt arched his eyebrow, his jaw hanging open, ‘What – really?’ he murmured, his heart racing as he lent forward to kiss her nose, nipping at it.

‘Really? Is that what you want? Where? Should we start house hunting today? Or do you want a flat?’

Clara giggled warmheartedly and nodded, ‘I know you were going to propose,’ she mused, playing with his floppy hair.

‘And I know that you didn’t get the chance, but maybe we can move in together, get a feel for it before you do actually propose,’ she laughed, shrugging her shoulders.

‘Wherever you are, I’ll be content.’

Matt swallowed roughly, blushing a bright red, ‘I suppose that’s reasonable,’ he laughed and kissed her nose, sitting up in bed, ‘I’ll get a few books and we can look through them later on,’

Clara sat up, taking in the shape of his back before she wrapped her arms and legs around him, clinging to him like a kitten, ‘Sounds perfect…’ she whispered, kissing along his back.

She noticed her phone buzzing, and figured who it was, but chose to ignore it, ‘Isn’t your Aunt a real estate agent? The one with the loud voice…’ 

He laughed when she clinged to him, ‘You’re like a sloth,’ Matt remarked, his emerald eyes playful as he looked down at her and pressed a kiss to her lips.

‘You mean, Donna?’ Matt snorted, watching Clara wriggle along his body.

Clara kissed him back, moving to sit on his lap, ‘Is she the redhead?’ she mused, wrapping her arms around him again, ‘We could go today… Unless you’re working?’

Matt shook his head, ‘I was, but I can say I’m ill… You come first, Clara,’ he whispered, peppering her face with kisses, ‘We could even look at some flats today,’

Clara smiled broadly, pushing him onto his back, her legs either side of his hips. Clara sighed when she heard his phone ringing and without looking at the caller ID, she picked up the phone and answered for her boyfriend.

‘Sorry, Matt can’t come to the phone right now… He’s about to get the ride of a life time,’

John cleared his throat and spoke quietly, his Scottish accent thick, ‘Oh…’ he murmured, snapping out of the imagery as he inhaled sharply, trying not to let it bother him.   
He had no right to let it bother him, ‘I’ll call back later,’ John simply said, cancelling the call and heading off to work.

Clara swallowed, immediately recognising John’s voice. She cleared her throat and dropped the phone onto Matt’s chest, ‘I think that was your father…’

Matt chucked it to one side, ‘Sod him,’ he muttered, he barely swore, he wasn’t going to start now. 

He grinned as Clara kissed along his chest and tapped her gently on her ass, ‘Come on you, up. Let’s look for flats,’

Clara smiled and nodded, ‘Oi, language!’ she teased, hopping off of his lap. 

It didn’t take them long to go out in search of a flat, yet each seemed too wrong for what they were looking for, ‘How about we take a break? Get some lunch?’ she asked, nodding towards a little coffee shop on the corner of the street.

Matt sighed and flipped through the book, ‘Maybe,’ he murmured, not really hearing his girlfriend’s question. He found a nice home, with a back garden.

‘How about this one? It’s in our price range, room for a dog, maybe a baby…’

Clara almost choked, ‘A – A baby?’ 

Did she want children? She supposed she did, it was one of the reasons she became a teacher, for the children.

Clara cleared her throat, pushing the book over to her side, and got a better look at the house, ‘It does seem lovely… Think your Aunt can help us look at it?’

Matt shrugged, ‘I don’t see why not,’ he placed a kiss on the top of Clara’s head and stepped away to call Donna.

Soon, she arrived with a beaming smile, cracking a few jokes to them. They walked through the house, Clara’s arm looped through Matt’s. In this moment, he couldn’t have been happier.

Clara liked her, she was different, but in a good way, ‘I like it,’ she said, smiling as she squeezed his hand.

Clara dragged him upstairs when his Aunt wasn’t looking, moving him in the direction of the master bedroom, ‘Does have a big bed, doesn’t it?’ she smirked suggestively. 

He nodded, glancing over to the bed, not quite catching on to what she was suggesting as he brushed his floppy hair back, ‘Yeah, yeah, it will be good to bring you breakfast in bed, have the dog lay between us, it’s the perfect size, really.’

Clara groaned, throwing back her head, ‘You’re so oblivious at times, you know that?’ she sighed, pulling him on top of her, ‘I meant, it’s big enough for us… for sex,’ she giggled, watching as Matt turned a beetroot colour.

Matt blushed and fumbled all over her, his limbs everywhere as he cleared his throat and placed his hands on either side of her head to balance himself and not fall on top of her, ‘Clara – we can’t – we can’t do that on here, it’s not our bed yet!’

‘We can… No one’s going to know,’ Clara insisted, her hands fumbling with his suspenders, ‘If we’re quiet, your Aunt won’t hear us,’ she smirked devilishly and groaned when Matt simply stood and fixed his bow tie.

He cleared his throat, playing with his bow tie nervously as he stood and wondered back over to the door, almost falling over before he straightened himself up, ‘Behave!’ Matt insisted, blushing wildly as he left the room and went in search for his Aunt.

Clara closed her eyes shut, kicking the air in frustration. Why was he so uninterested in her?! She regained her composure and walked after him, feeling her phone vibrate in her pocket. She instantly regretted looking at it, as she saw John’s alternate contact name.

John had sent her a text, ‘Your cunt, on my face, in thirty minutes’ was all it said, and he was quite proud of it, if he was honest.

Matt smiled when they climbed back into his car, waving goodbye to Donna, ‘That was fun, do you think that one is our house, then?’

Clara answered John’s text with a quick ‘no!’ before she sat in Matt’s car, smiling at him, ‘I think so, looks great for making a family…’ she murmured, leaning up to kiss him.

Once Matt had dropped her at her flat, she immediately drove to John’s and upon arriving, slapped him right in the face, ‘Do you really think I’ll come at your beck and call?!’

John stumbled backwards, growling under his breath, ‘You’ve really got to stop slapping me,’ he sighed, moving towards her, ‘Well, you’re here, aren’t you? The only reason you are here is for sex.’

Clara rolled her eyes, grabbing him by his shirt, ‘Oh, just shut up and fuck me,’ she growled, starting to nibble along his jawline. Her other hand promptly began to fumble with his trousers, smirking when she noticed how hard he already was, just by her kissing his neck.

John growled under his breath and pushed back against her, a smug smirk on his face as he slammed her up against the wall, his hands ripping her blouse apart as buttons surely went flying everywhere. He inhaled sharply and kissed down her throat, tugging on her hand to lead her towards his bedroom. Once they were inside, he laid on his back, pulling her body on top of him as he balanced her over his face, his teeth dragging down her underwear.

‘Really wasn’t kidding about that text,’

Clara cracked a soft smile, her eyes softening, ‘If you weren’t cute, I’d slap you again,’ she teased, holding onto the headboard.

A strange feeling washed over her, but she quickly shook it away as she lowered herself onto his mouth.

John smirked at her, ‘You think I’m cute?’ he murmured, his famous smug smile on his lips before she shut him up and he immediately grabbed at her thighs, his fingers digging into Clara’s skin as he flicked his tongue against her.

Clara let out a string of incoherent words, her thighs pressed firmly against his head as one hand trailed south to tug at his curls, ‘F – Fuck, daddy, don’t stop,’ she gasped, grinding against his face as her hand met the wall in front of them.

‘Oh, fuck me…’ she growled, thrashing her head backwards.

John shrugged, ‘If you insist,’ he murmured, kissing her inner thigh as he pushed her away from him.

He stripped off the rest of her clothes and his own before he pulled her back onto his lap, her back facing him as he lowered Clara onto his cock, his hand yanking on her hair as she rode him backwards. Clara let out a growl, biting down onto her lip as she intertwined her fingers with his. She felt a new and frightening sensation once she took his hand. 

She couldn’t, could she? 

Clara shook the feeling away and kept riding him, ‘Fuck – Feels so good,’ she moaned, her breathing soon came out in short ragged pants, feeling her arousal threatening to push her over the edge.

John growled under his breath, panting heavily as he fucked up into her, his thrusts in time with Clara’s as he squeezed her hand, his Scottish accent thick in her ear, ‘Are you close, Clara? Come on darling, cum for me,’ he whispered, his voice full of – love? No, it wasn’t love. 

It was lust, he couldn’t think of it as anything else, they were just fucking. He had to keep that in his head, just fucking.

Clara closed her eyes, she felt his words surge through her. How could he do that to her? How could he fill his words with that much emotion, when it was just fucking? They’d agreed to just that. No emotions, no strings attached, just them fulfilling their carnal needs.

‘John…’ she moaned with a raw emotion, she surprised even herself as she came hard around him.

All this time, they’d been holding hands, as if it was something natural. She whimpered when she felt John’s fingernails digging into her thighs, before coming undone himself. He panted heavily, falling back against the mattress. He felt her shift on top of him and before she could get up to dress herself and leave, he held onto her hand a little tighter, his eyes closed.

He didn’t want to look at her, he couldn’t, he was afraid of her rejection, ‘Stay, just for a moment…’

Clara swallowed hard, her eyes on their hands joint together below them, ‘I – I can’t…’ she stopped herself and inhaled sharply.

She really couldn’t stay, couldn’t take falling for him. Her rules were put in place to protect her heart from this charade, but still Clara went against her better judgement and slipped back into bed. She stayed a few inches away from him, not sure how close he wanted her. 

How close were they allowed to get?

John inhaled sharply and turned on his side to face her, his front pressed to her back as his face fell into the strands of her brown hair, taking in the scent of her. He’d miss the smell of her the most when she left him to be with Matt, missed the smell of her perfume and the taste of her skin after they had fucked. He swallowed roughly, his arm winding around her as he promptly fell asleep, not saying a single word in case she ran from him.


	6. Flashforward, flashbackward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clara battles with herself inside her head, but doesn't let it show on the outside...

A few weeks passed, and John and Clara still kept seeing each other and they somehow hadn’t been caught.

There had been a few close calls where Matt had been at John’s home and found a pair of knickers stuffed down the couch, luckily he thought it was some other woman and not his own girlfriend.

Matt had officially brought their new home and surprised Clara with the news in an envelope he dropped onto the coffee table in front of her, a beaming grin on his face.  
Clara was wrapped up in a large duvet, her nose red and stuffy as she stared up at Matt, she’d been feeling sick for the last couple of days, but the envelope instantly brought a smile to her face, ‘Does this mean…?’ she smiled and raised her hand when he tried to kiss her, pushing him away carefully.

‘No, don’t want you to get sick, Matt…’ she told him in between vicious coughs.

Matt pouted, ‘Oh, okay…’ he murmured, a little saddened that he couldn’t kiss her.

He bent to her level on the couch, brushing back her hair, ‘God, you’re burning up… And yes, it’s the contract for the house. All you have to do is sign it and I’ll send it off…’

Clara rested against his chest, her eyes closed as he stroked back her hair, ‘Mmm… I don’t deserve you, you’re so perfect,’ she told him, shivering just slightly.

She felt cold, but in fact, she was burning up and pretty quickly. She scooted towards him and sat up, leaning forward to sign the paper, her arm felt weak as she forced it across the page.

‘Here,’ murmured Matt, his hand on hers as he helped her sign the paper.

Clara knew deep down, she didn’t have the same feeling with Matt as she did with John, John set her skin on fire whenever he touched her. 

Once she had signed the papers, Matt kissed the top of her head, ‘I’m just going to pop out and drop it at the post office. Do you want me to get you anything?’

Clara shook her head, laying down on the couch, the television playing in the background as she fell asleep. She didn’t notice when Matt had left, or how long he was gone, but she felt someone’s lips on her forehead, ‘Silly giraffe… You’ll get sick,’ she laughed, thinking it was Matt.

John smiled, an arch of his eyebrow as he bent on his knees and stroked the strands of her hair behind her ear, his Scottish accent obvious, ‘Never been called a giraffe before, that’s new,’

Clara was startled by his sudden presence. She gave him a lazy smile, her eyes trying to focus on him, ‘Wasn’t meant for you… Why – why are you here?’ she said, gesturing to her obvious state.

Even though she loved his company, albeit she would never admit it to him, she wasn’t in any kind of mood for sex.

He cleared his throat and gently placed her favourite chocolates down on the coffee table, ‘Matt said you were sick, so I thought I’d come and bring you some chocolate,’ John stood up, making sure the blanket was tightly pulled around Clara before he kept his distance.

‘And he asked me around, and his Aunt Missy, he wants to talk to us about something apparently…’

Clara arched her eyebrow, glancing between John and the box of chocolates. If she didn’t know any better, she would have thought he was actually trying to be thoughtful.  
She sat up and popped a bit of chocolate into her mouth, instantly moaning, ‘Could be about the new house…’ she murmured, clarifying when he gave her a quizzical look.

‘We’re moving in together,’

John stared at her, a look between shock, disappointment and amusement, ‘Really?’ he questioned her, his blue eyes dropping to his hands as he fiddled with his long fingers.  
‘Do you really want that?’

Clara shrugged. She’d first suggested the idea just to get back at John, but now she wasn’t so sure, ‘You seem to disapprove?’ she asked, not really wanting to answer his question.

She still felt weak, and didn’t realise that she had leaned against his shoulder, her hand reaching for his. There was a difference between Matt and John, he set her skin ablaze, and yet she knew she couldn’t move so close to that fire, because she would surely be burnt.

John ran his thumb over her knuckles, squeezing her hand for comfort. He bent down, his lips just at the top of her forehead, ‘I hope you feel better soon,’ he murmured, moving away from her when he heard the key in the door and in walked Matt with a beaming smile.

Clara smiled widely, her dimple showing as Matt walked into the room. It was getting easier for her to lie to him, and she partly hated herself for it, ‘There’s my giraffe…’ she teased, noticing his great big smile.

‘Your dad brought me chocolate, isn’t that kind of him?’ 

Matt nodded, himself and John were getting along a lot better now, ‘That’s kind of you, John,’ he smiled at his father, sitting beside Clara as he pressed a kiss to her lips, John flinching when Matt couldn’t see him.

‘Do you think you’re feeling well enough for a BBQ, my Impossible Girl?’

Clara held his hand and brought it to her lips, ‘Of course, my dreamer of improbable dreams…’ she whispered, kissing the palm of his hand.

‘Let me just take a quick shower,’ she said, standing up as she suddenly lost her balance.

She quickly got hold of John’s hand to balance herself, before realising and letting go. John cleared his throat, helping Clara steady herself, ‘Bit of a dizzy spell,’ he laughed, throwing Matt off completely as he seemed to be giving his girlfriend a weird and almost judgmental stare.

‘Come on Matt, I’ll show you how to set up a BBQ,’ he grinned, letting Clara walk up the stairs by herself as John dragged his son out into the garden.

Whilst he made Matt busy, John made it look as if he was going into the kitchen when he quickly made his way into the bathroom to talk to Clara. Once he was there, his lips brushed Clara’s rather desperately, wanting to kiss her when he knew he couldn’t, ‘I want you, so badly… Even if you are riddled with cold,’

Clara barely managed to strip, the water streaming behind her when she was startled by John, ‘Are you crazy?!’ she exclaimed, his lips almost crashing against hers.

‘Never could keep your hands to yourself…’ she purred, wrapping her arms around him.

‘Come on then, we don’t have much time…’ 

John nodded, pulling off his shirt as the force of it sent his grey curls wild, ‘Thought you were going to say no,’ he murmured, making sure the window was shut before he stepped into the shower with Clara.

Within seconds, he was inside of her, her legs hooked around his waist as the water fell between them, his hand covering any noise coming out of her mouth.

Clara moaned against his hand, her heart racing as she felt him fill her. How could something be so wrong when it felt so right?

‘Do you really think I could ever say no to you?’ she smirked, instantly regretting the words that had come out of her mouth, so full of love and desire.

She berated herself mentally, reminding herself that it was just sex. Clara kissed along his jaw, and down his throat as he slammed inside of her. He wanted so badly to kiss her, but he knew he couldn’t. This was getting worse and worse by the second, he was losing control. They had to tell Matt soon, surely? Or maybe it would be better if they just kept it a secret from him. John growled under his breath and slammed harder into her, the water almost causing him to slip as he caught her, his hand at the back of her head as his lips brushed hers.

‘It’s okay – it’s okay, I’ve got you…’

Clara bit into his shoulder as she came hard against him, their mutual pants filling the shower as she gazed into his eyes. She knew where they were heading, things were getting complicated, getting out of hand. They surely couldn’t keep this going. 

Flashback 17th April 2005

Clara had finished with the counselling session.

She walked outside to find Matt lent up against a wall and he seemed to be in deep thought. The sixteen year old walked up behind him and jabbed him in the side, ‘Oi, Chin Boy, fancy coming to a party with me? Dad thinks I’m at this stupid shitfest all day, but we can go drinking, if you want. As friends.’

Matt just stared at her. She was pretty, he’d give her that, her cute little nose and those eyes that seemed to inflate in an instant. He suddenly found himself cotton mouth, unable to speak to her. 

What had she asked? 

He cleared his throat, nodding his head, ‘Um, yeah, I’d love that,’ he said, silently berating himself for not being able to speak to women.

He may act over confident, but when it came to pretty girls, he really didn’t know what to do with himself.

Clara nodded and smirked, looping her arm through his, ‘You’re tall,’ she mused and tugged him down to the corner of the road, ‘There’s a shop my cousin owns, he’ll give us alcohol as long as we pay for it. Have you got any cash?’ she smirked, her brown eyes inflated, almost pleading with him.

Matt stiffened under her touch, not quite used to it. Why was he blushing like a twelve year old? 

‘Uh, yeah, I…’ he trailed off, a little uncertain about her character.

Of course he had money, his father, whom he hated, was a well known Doctor.

‘But isn’t it illegal, you know, under age drinking?’ he asked as she dragged him to the shop.

He watched the petite young girl pick different drinks and snacks before placing them on the counter, Matt took out his wallet and handed the man some cash.

The man behind the counter gave Clara a knowing smirk, sending his baby cousin a wink, ‘Got another boy on the go? Don’t let your dad find out,’ he mused, rolling his eyes as Clara gave him a certain look.

‘You’re not scary, little one, now piss off before I call your dad,’

Clara grinned at him and took the alcohol off of the counter, grabbing hold of Matt’s jacket, ‘Thanks, Arthur!’ she exclaimed, stopping just outside the shop as she looked at the content of her bag and pulled out a bottle of vodka.

‘Please tell me you like vodka, because if you don’t, I’m not sure we can be mates.’

Matt swallowed. He hadn’t even tried the stuff, but immediately nodded, maybe a bit too quick if her failed attempt at suppressing a laugh was any indication.

‘Yeah, yeah, of course I have…’ he said, unscrewing the bottle and taking a large sip. The liquid tasted rancid and burned his throat, ‘See, smooth…’ he trailed off between strangled coughs.

Clara immediately burst into fits of giggles, ‘Posh boy hasn’t drank before,’ she smirked, tilting her head to the side to get him to follow her to the house party, ‘Come on, nobody’s going to bite you, not too hard anyway,’ she laughed and took the bottle from him, taking a huge gulp as she swallowed it without even wincing.

‘Good stuff that is, better than the knock offs you’ll see at this party.’

Matt laughed. He liked this small girl, she was different to all the others he’d met, and far more beautiful. His palms began to sweat as he entered the house, immediately there was a beat that ran through his body. His heart barely audible over the loud music. He didn’t have a chance to change his mind before Clara dragged him to the centre and began grinding herself on him. His hands instantly went flapping about like a drunken giraffe. 

Clara giggled, her arm around his neck as she listened to the music pumping through her veins, her fingers tugging onto his hair, ‘Come on Matt, we’re friends, it’s just a bit of fun. Loosen up, let your anger at your father go, okay? You’ll feel so much better for it.’

Matt winced, but nodded. He took the bottle of vodka and downed it in one go, before bending down to brush his lips against hers, ‘Just friends,’ he smirked, winking at her as he began to dance against her.

He could feel his blood run south as her ass continued to grind on him, he wanted nothing more than to fuck her up against the wall behind them, but his shy attitude didn’t let him. 

Clara grinned and nodded her head, the sweat building up on her body as she ground against him, ‘Having fun?!’ she shouted over the music, starting to jump around on the spot as the room grew more and more full of bodies. 

Clara turned around and lost Matt in the crowd, grinning when she found her best friend, ‘Nina! Hey… Look at you, don’t you look gorgeous?’ she smirked, grabbing a drink for her friend and soon she found Matt again, dragging him over to meet her.

‘Matt, this is Nina. Nina, this is Matt, I met him at my counselling session.’

Matt grinned and extended his arm in a polite manner, but quickly figured out that wasn’t how his new found friend did things, so he simply greeted her. When Nina made a sign to her ear he realised she hadn’t heard him at all, so he shouted over the music, only for the music to be cut off in the middle of his shouting.

‘Hello, Nina!’ he shouted, blushing when everyone stopped dancing and started staring at him.

Clara snorted and laughed, looking over her shoulder at the people staring at him, ‘What are you staring at? Put the music back on!’ she laughed, running back over to a table to pick up a tray of shots and she ran back over, handing out shots to everyone as Nina got to know Matt.

She grinned, her dirty blonde hair over her face as she whispered into his ear, ‘So Matt, are you a virgin? Do you even drink?’

Matt turned a bright crimson red. Of course he’d been with women, they just usually seduced him, ‘Yeah, yeah, of course I drink. And no, I’m not,’ 

He had to admit Nina was pretty hot, but his eyes were elsewhere. He spotted Clara amongst the crowd, taking shots out of another woman’s belly button, her ass still dancing to the beat of the music.

Nina snorted when she realised who he was staring at, ‘Matt, you’ve got no chance there mate, Clara Oswald doesn’t do relationships. Trust me, I know,’ she sighed and placed a kiss on his neck, ‘Come and find me if you want a bit of fun, yeah?’

Matt smirked, ‘Maybe she hasn’t met the right person…’ he said, a little too hopeful, but nevertheless he followed Nina, his heart racing as she led him to an upstairs room.

Nina pulled Matt into a room, laughing when two girls ran past them, half naked, ‘Hot,’ she murmured, a smirk on her face, ‘Come on, you,’ she smirked and pulled him inside, kicking the door shut.

Matt stood awkwardly, unsure of what she wanted. Women usually took the lead, and if he was quite honest, preferred it that way. He slowly approached her, his large hands cupping her face as he bent to kiss her rather sloppily. Nina laughed and pushed him back onto the mattress, kissing down his neck once she had toppled on top of him. Only half way through she dropped on top of him, her voice by his ear.

‘I really hope you’re patient, Matt. Because Clara doesn’t want a relationship right now, she never did.’

Matt smirked, ‘I’d wait forever, for a girl like Clara…’ he said, trying to ignore the burning sensation to flip her and fuck her. He growled as her nails scratched at his shoulder, his hips buckling forward.

Nina grinned and bent to kiss him, quickly unbuckling his belt and once they both had their clothes off, she sank onto his cock, her nails digging into his chest. She rode him quickly, her hand reaching down to choke him as the door swung open and in stumbled Clara with half a bottle of rum.

‘Aye, I knew you two would get along just fine!’ she giggled and went to walk out, but somehow managed to walk straight into the door, knocking herself clean out.

His heart sank as he saw Clara walk in, this couldn’t be good, could it? Matt instantly lifted Nina off of him before running to her side, pulling up his trousers and holding her close in his arms. He sent Nina an apologetic shrug, lifting Clara into his arms and found a soft bed to place her in. She was breathing alright, the cut on her face minor. Matt couldn’t explain but he felt the need to protect her, and spent the night just watching over her.

The next morning, Clara awoke with a pounding headache, disoriented and far too confused. She coughed, finding out her throat was dry as she took a deep breath and managed to speak to the figure near her, ‘Water, please,’ she sighed, attempting to lift her head but she couldn’t.

She heard somebody muttering about her going to her counselling sessions and she could only imagine it was her father.

David, Clara’s father, sat near his daughter’s bed, a frown on his face.

She’d been like this since her mother’s death, she blamed herself, ‘You need to stop this Clara, you’re self destructive, and if it wasn’t for that boy that brought you home, I don’t know what would have happened to you,’ he scolded her, handing her a glass of water.

Clara sighed, snatching the glass of water from him until she saw the look on his face, ‘Sorry,’ she grumbled like a typical teenager and took a deep breath, sipping from the cup.  
‘Shit, my head hurts. How did I get home? Was it Matt?’

‘Didn’t get his name… But, he had floppy hair,’ Dave told her, taking back the glass of water, ‘He seemed nice, Clara… A stark contrast to the other guys you hang with,’ he told her, standing up and heading for the door.

Clara sighed and sat up, closing her eyes tight. God, she had an astonishing headache. She touched the side of her head and immediately winced. What had happened last night? Well, she knew she couldn’t call and ask Matt because she had only just met the guy and didn’t catch his number. With a disapproving growl, Clara made her way to the bathroom and cleared herself up, changing out of the clothes from last night as she found herself covered in bruises. Once she was dressed, she made her way to her session by bus and when she was inside, plumping herself down on her usual seat at the ‘circle of trust’ and noticed Matt was nowhere to be seen.

Clara frowned and lent over to Vastra, the girl with burns all over her arms, ‘Pst, where’s Matt? He’s normally in early,’

Vastra leaned over, ‘He left early, I think he had another go with his father,’ she said, remembering Matt was yelling into his phone earlier today.

Clara nodded, a little disappointed as she smiled at Vastra through gritted teeth, a little irritated with the tiny bits of information she was giving her, ‘Well, do you know when he’ll be back? Is he coming back to this session?’

Vastra only shrugged, ‘He looked like hell, he is probably at his favourite coffee shop… The one around the corner,’ 

Matt cursed under his breath as he ordered another cup of coffee as he stared at the numerous missed phone calls from his father. He scoffed, dad was hardly the word to use for John, he was more of a sperm donor.

Clara nodded and sighed, sitting through the rest of the session in a bit of a mood. Once it was done, she pretty much ran from the room, having had enough of everybody going on about their problems. 

Once she was outside, she went straight to the café and walked right up beside Matt, plopping herself on the seat next to him, ‘What’s up with you, Song?’

Matt sighed, simply stirring his coffee, ‘Dad’s being a prick again…’ he said, but quickly smiled as he saw her.

She truly was beautiful, her heart shaped face, her dimple, her tiny nose. Matt’s anger seemed to dissipate when he stared at her, ‘Enough about me, how are you? Did you get in trouble with your dad or not?’

Clara sighed and shrugged her shoulders, ‘Not really, to be honest,’ she murmured, turning to talk to the waitress as she ordered a coffee.

‘He just sort of told me to grow up and that was about it, the usual really.’

Matt smiled, relived that Clara hadn’t gotten into trouble, ‘Here, I thought I was the clumsy one, and you ran straight into the door…’ he mused, daring to reach out and touch her.

Clara stayed still, allowing him to touch the side of her head, ‘You’ve got far too many limbs,’ she mused, her brown eyes locked onto his.

‘So, what’s going on with your father? Is everything okay?’

Matt just shrugged, ‘He’s just a prick… He wants me to get over it and just be happy,’ he sighed, shoulders dropping as his gaze fell.

It’s been a couple of months since his mother had died, he always blamed his father for his mother’s death.

Clara shrugged, ‘I suppose that’s not really a bad thing…’ she murmured, smiling a little to at least try and reassure him, ‘Then again, your dad is under trial,’ she cleared her throat, feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the thought that Matt’s father might of killed his mother, on purpose.

Clara sat up straighter, the coffee cup warming her hands, ‘Does it worry you that your father just doesn’t… Care? Do you believe he did it?’

Matt sighed and rubbed at his temples, ‘I think he might have… They were arguing before that, had been for quite some time,’ he said, remembering to all the nights he fell asleep to his parents shouting. 

John was never a proper dad to him, never went to his football matches, never cared if he did good in school, unless it had something to do with being a medical Doctor.  
‘He’s an ass, Clara, and if you’re lucky, you’ll never have to meet him. Which reminds me – Can I get your number?’ he asked rather shyly. 

Clara sighed and scoffed loudly, drinking down the rest of her coffee as she reached over to dump it into the bin, ‘Honestly, Matt, I’m hoping I’ll never bump into your dad…’ she murmured, trying to hide the smile on her face when he asked for her number.

‘Of course, but just as friends, yeah?’

Matt rolled his eyes, ‘Yeah, just as friends…’ he sighed, trying to ease her mind, but knew he would slowly win her over, ‘How is your um, friend Nina? I should really apologise for the other night…’

She shrugged her shoulders, ‘Nina is just as bad as me, never really wants a relationship,’ Clara smirked and nudged him gently, ‘I remember you two going at it last night, Matt got laaaaaaid.’

Matt blushed, ‘I would have, if someone didn’t run into a door,’ he said, bopping her nose, ‘Didn’t let her finish, and lord knows I was hard whilst taking you home,’ he teased, watching how she wrinkled her nose.

‘I’m not that bad to look at, Clara…’ he muttered, feigning hurt.

She laughed and screwed up her nose, ‘You’re cute and all, Matthew Robert Song,’ Clara grinned, playfully using his full name as she stood up from her chair, ‘But, I’m just not interested in sex at the moment, any kind of sex,’ she simply told him, walking out of the café, expecting him to follow her.

She didn’t think anything of it, but somewhere in the back of her head that her sex drive suddenly dropping was a bad thing; she wasn’t dealing with her mother’s death properly.  
Matt instantly followed her, almost tripping over his large feet, ‘Hey, wait up… I wasn’t coming on to you, kid,’ he said, draping his arm over her as they continued to walk.

‘You’re so small, Clara Oswald.’

Clara rolled her eyes and jabbed him in the side, ‘Fuck off, Chin Boy,’ she mused, holding onto his overly large hand that dropped over her shoulders. 

End of flashback


	7. Don't think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clara thinks about what she's doing and what it means, until John is round to distract her...

Clara had never cheated on anybody.

Could she really do this? Could she really betray Matt in this kind of way?

He didn’t really deserve this, did he? He was a good man, he was sweet and kind, always wearing a bowtie. He got over his anger issues, his problems… Problems that only Clara knew about, not even his father knew.   
But she needed to do it… It was a selfish need, a selfish need that she could not control. What was wrong with her? Did the therapy when she was a teenager not work on her? Was she getting worse again, was her depression flaring up? Because she knew that would never go away, no matter what she did or who she was seeing or how happy she was.

Happy.

That’s what she felt whenever she was with John or near John, she felt happy. He made her happy, he made her smile and laugh and most of all, he made her feel alive again when Matt never really could. But what kind of man was John, really? The kind of man to push his wife off of a cliff? Why would people accuse him of killing his wife, his own family members? Did they fight all the time? If Clara chose John over Matt, would they fight all the time? Would she end up dead at the bottom of a cliff?

She shook those thoughts away. No. He wasn’t a murderer, he was sweet and kind, and made her laugh when she needed it most. He brought her gifts, even if he wasn’t supposed it and that was part of the problem, he wasn’t supposed to be buying her gifts and spoiling her with money. That was Matt’s job, that was the job of a boyfriend. Not the man you’re having an affair with. Is that what they were supposed to call it now? An affair? Had they really come so far to call it an affair, something both of them knew would be impossible to get out of without Matt finding out? 

Clara inhaled sharply, waiting for John to show up at her flat whilst Matt was out. Maybe it was the adrenaline rush, the rush Clara felt when John was inside her and she knew, she knew that Matt would be back within half an hour. Did she enjoy the panic she felt when she heard the front door unlock? Was that what it was, the thrill of cheating on her boyfriend turned her on?

How sick.

How fucking sick was she?

Then again, she’d been sick from the very start.

And Matt knew that, he knew how sick she was at the start. He knew how much she struggled with her mother’s death, they both had struggled and now look where they were – she was cheating on the first man she had ever loved and with his father of all people, she was fucking his father and yet, not a part of her felt guilty and she couldn’t quite figure out why. Maybe deep down she knew, Matt wasn’t the man she had met at the start. Maybe she knew that he had alternate personalities all throughout their friendship and relationship. Maybe, just maybe, it was Matt that had something to do with River’s death rather than John… That would have been the perfect cover up and yet the more the plot went over in Clara’s head, she realised how crazy it sounded. She knew Matt, she knew he’d never do anything like that, no matter his personal issues.

Or would he?

Clara was torn from her thoughts when the front door open and in walked John, a bag in his hand as he swiftly walked over and placed a kiss on her cheek, ‘Careful,’ she warned, her tone stern.

John sighed, his shoulders slumping, ‘I didn’t think you were being serious when you said that they’ll be no kissing. I guess we’ll have to set ground rules.’

Clara nodded, stepping closer to him, ‘I do have rules, actually,’ she told him, her brown eyes lit with a deep fire inside of them.

‘They’ll be no kissing, no cuddling, no romantic gifts and no romantic outings. I’m not your baby, your love, your darling, I’m just Clara. You will not tell Matt or even look at me when we’re in the same room as him. You will not make crude little jokes and you certainly will not hint at him about what we’re doing. Do you understand me?’

‘But - ’

Clara gripped onto the lapel on his jacket, her hand holding onto him as tightly as she could without hurting him, ‘Understood?’

‘Yes, ma’am.’

‘Don’t call me that.’

‘You really are a control freak, aren’t you?’

‘Don’t call me that either,’

‘Is there something I can actually call you?’

Clara turned to look over her shoulder, strutting her way towards her kitchen, ‘Mistress will do,’

He shrugged, ‘I don’t have a problem with that,’ murmured John, following her through into the kitchen as he set the bag down on the counter, ‘I suppose we can’t have this food then?’

Clara’s ears perked up, leaning across the kitchen counter as her eyes inspected the bag, ‘What’s in it?’

‘Food.’

‘Yeah okay, smartass, don’t state the obvious.’

John pulled a funny face, ‘You asked me what was in it,’

She slapped his forehead, grinning when he winced and held onto his forehead, mumbling that she was horrible to him, ‘I asked you what was in the bag, referring to the food.’

‘Well,’ muttered John, a curl of his lips as he looked at her, ‘Technically, you asked me what was in the bag and I said - ’

Clara raised her hand at him, a playful grin on her lips, ‘John, I swear, if you don’t tell me what kind of food is in the bag, I’m going to tip it all over your head and then order a pizza and eat it in front of you.’

John paused and he stared at her as if she had just murdered one of his family members. They stared at each other for a full minute, neither one of them moving or blinking. In his head, John calculated how quickly he could get away from Clara and if he could get away without her accidentally knocking him out with some kind of object. He figured that if he grabbed the bag, she would look down and that would distract her long enough for him to run around the living room, jump over the coffee table and dart down the hallway to her bathroom. Her little legs wouldn’t be able to follow him over the coffee table, so he knew it was his best route. He broke their intense staring contest and grabbed hold of the bag, darting around the small living room and already he could hear Clara’s feet skidding along the floor behind him. As he reached the coffee table, he miscalculated just how long his legs were and tripped right over it, landing on his front with a heavy thud.

From behind him, he could hear Clara’s laughter, like music to his ears. And for a moment, he had forgotten Clara was his son’s girlfriend, forgotten what a fucked up situation they were in and for a few seconds, it was just them, just the two of them enjoying their company and how playful they both were.

‘Injured!’ explained John, holding onto his arm as if he had hurt himself.

Clara tumbled over on top of him, her thighs either side of his waist, ‘Ah, got you!’ she exclaimed, ignoring the bag as she pinned his wrists down to the floor, ‘Try and move now, you prick.’

John grinned at her, his hips arching off of the floor but in a millisecond he realised he couldn’t actually move and Clara was stronger than she looked, ‘My plan has failed,’ he observed in a funny voice, grinning at her.

‘Yeah, I think it might have,’ mumbled Clara, a special kind of glint in her brown eyes, refusing to loosen her grip on John’s wrists, ‘Are you going to give in and tell me what kind of food is in the bag?’

‘Nope,’

‘Come on, you can’t win now, the bag isn’t that far from me, I can easily reach it and you’re pinned to the floor, you might as well tell me.’

‘No,’ sang John, in a voice that usually irritated Clara, but she was currently on top of him and had the upper hand.

‘I can just look.’

He snorted, ‘Go on then, I’m not stopping you.’

Clara pouted, ‘You’re no fun,’

As she went to move and grab the bag, John took it as an opportunity to grab hold of her waist and he immediately burst into a fit of giggles when Clara complained that she thought he was going to let her look.

‘Never!’ he exclaimed, his blue eyes playful as he pulled on her body, trying to get her to stop wriggling, ‘The more you wriggle, the more I tighten my grip,’

‘So close to the perfect sentence,’ mumbled Clara, a smirk on her face as she wriggled up until she was hovering over his face, her thighs either side of his head.

John smirked, his voice muffled against her inner thigh, ‘Ah, you’ve fallen for my evil plan!’ 

‘I’m more interested in getting the bag now, behave,’ Clara laughed, having released his hands a long time ago and now she was regretting it because she couldn’t stop his cold hands from travelling up her body.

‘Fuck, your hands are cold!’

John sniggered, ‘You think I don’t know that?’

Clara’s fingers just about reached the bag, ‘Got it!’ she yelled, so over excited about finally having the bag, she didn’t notice John had flipped them and managed to pin her to the ground.

‘Give me the bag,’ growled John, his lips brushing hers. No kissing, they didn’t have to kiss for him to turn her on.

‘No.’

‘Why not?’

‘My bag now,’ shrugged Clara, raising her knee up to slam it straight into his groin. 

Once he was too busy groaning and rolling all over her favourite rug, grabbing his groin and muttering something about her being a bitch, Clara ran straight back to the kitchen and tipped out the content of the bag, her brown eyes inflated as she noticed it wasn’t food at all, not proper food.

‘John, what the fuck?!’ she yelled, facing towards the living room so he couldn’t creep up behind her and she would see him coming, ‘This is bakery stuff, you know, for cakes!’

John popped his head around the corner, holding up his finger, ‘In my defence, you told me your ground rules after I got those ingredients.’ 

Clara let out a defeated sigh, ‘Okay, alright, I suppose I can’t really say no now that you’ve brought it…’

John grinned at her.

After they had managed to make a complete mess of Clara’s kitchen, flour and cake mix staining every kitchen counter in sight. It looked as though a bomb had gone off in her kitchen, only the bomb was completely harmless and was full of flour and chocolate cake mix. 

Clara jumped towards John, not bothering to wipe her hands on her apron as she used his chest and face to wipe the muck off of her hands, ‘All done,’ she squeaked as innocently as she could, her face red with the heat of the oven.

John’s jaw fell open, glaring at her, ‘Did you just…’ he trailed off, looking down at his shirt that was covered in cake mix and flour, ‘This is my favourite shirt!’

‘…You wore your favourite shirt whilst coming to see me?’ asked Clara, a raise of her eyebrow. For some reason, that thought sent a shiver down her spin. No, she couldn’t think like that, he didn’t do it for her, it was just his favourite shirt.

‘Right!’ John exclaimed, stepping forward as he dragged his hands down her face, ‘Good luck washing that off,’ he winked, his tone playful.

Clara let out a squeak and rolled her eyes at him, her dirty hands in his hair as she dragged her tongue along his neck to lick the cake mix off of him, ‘Happy now?’

John stood there in shock, his jaw still hung open, hands in the air, ‘Not really Clara, no. You just put it all in my hair!’

‘Oh, what a shame.’ She said rather sarcastically, taking off her apron and then her shirt, her breasts on full show as she watched his expression change from mildly annoyed to turned on.

‘So easy,’

He stepped forward, taking off his own shirt as Clara’s brown eyes inflated and slowly made their way down his chest, ‘You’re just as easy,’ murmured John, his arm winding around her waist.

‘Want to go and get a lot dirtier in the bedroom?’

Clara nodded her head.

Unknown to them, as they fucked once on the kitchen counter, John’s trousers and boxers down by his feet and Clara’s knickers and skirt half way up her waist, sat a camera, watching them from a far.


	8. Can't help falling in love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clara and John spend some time together, without worrying about their situation and the thought that they might be caught by Matt...

John watches Clara drift to sleep, like nothing about this was wrong, like her conscience was clear. 

His conscience definitely was not clear, not in any way, shape or form. 

He had booked a hotel for them just for the weekend in late July, she had told Matt she had fled to Glastonbury for the weekend with a few of her girlfriends, he didn’t bother to check.

Sometimes John believed that his son didn’t give a fuck where Clara was and it made him feel less guilty to think that maybe Matt was cheating on her too. He knew his son, knew the kind of things he was capable of doing. He knew him inside out and Matt had no idea, Clara had no idea. He was close to him once, before the accident with River happened.  
Accident.

John brushes his knuckles over Clara’s face from the very top of her cheekbone to her jawline, ‘Fuck, Clara, what have we done?’ he whispered, knowing she wasn’t about to answer him.

Now he was alone with his thoughts and it was a scary place to be. 

He feels himself stand, even if he can barely feel his legs. He’s numb, when he knows he shouldn’t be but he feels so sick with himself he prefers the numb feeling throughout his entire body; he just wishes it could numb the thoughts in his head. He shouldn’t want Clara, he shouldn’t want her in any kind of way. But the problem was, he needed her and that was enough to make him stay with her and for her to stay with him; they needed one another and it wasn’t about to end, they were starting to become reckless, both of them too numb to care if they were caught. Matt had almost caught them twice, once in the kitchen and another time when he came home one evening and John was under the kitchen table, licking her out. Luckily, there was a table cloth draped over the piece of furniture and John had the decency to stop until Matt went upstairs to shower.

Not that he was a decent man.

And after he was finished, Clara kicked him out of her flat like he was just somebody she was fucking behind her boyfriend’s back and that’s what screwed him up inside – he didn’t want to be the man she fucked, he wanted to be the man she loved. John could easily say he was in love. How? He had no idea… But it had been at least six months since they had started this affair and they spent every moment with each other when Matt wasn’t there or too busy with work. It was as if he had become her replacement boyfriend, except there really was no kissing or gifts, or any kind of nicknames given to one another. He felt like a toy being used and soon enough, she’d throw out that old toy and get a new one. 

John pulls on his boxer shorts and bends to touch her face, she’s almost too delicate to touch but she isn’t perfect. Far from it, she has a past he knows all too well about… The drugs, the drinking, sleeping with whoever she wanted and at a young age, too, he was almost proud of her for overcoming all of her demons. And now, he couldn’t quite believe the woman that she was today. Drug free, alcohol free, she kept taking the medication she needed for her anxiety. She was a better person, and he couldn’t quite work out if that was because of him or his son. 

She stretches and he’s sure he’s in love.

She stretches and the light from the blinds adds an almost glow to her body. 

Her back arches, and his jaw falls.

She’s so beautiful, and she isn’t his.

He loves the way her back arches and her head falls back, the strands of her brown hair falling onto the pillow underneath her head. He loves how exposed her neck is when she does stretch, like an angel becoming of age, or something ridiculous like that. He can’t explain it, he never could. It was the same with River, although he was certain he never loved River as much as he loved Clara.

She was his addiction.

She was his drug.

She was his strength.

She was the love of his life, and she didn’t even know.

He had to tell her, there was no point in wasting time. When you fall in love, and you fall hard, you keep hold of it and you never let it go. 

‘John?’ she whispers from somewhere behind him.

He turns and nods towards Clara, ‘Go back to sleep,’ he tells her, mindful not to call her love as the word almost slips from his mouth.

She sits up, kneeling towards him. There’s a look on her face he can’t quite understand but once her hands slide around his hips, something clicks. Ah, that’s all she wants from him, sex. He pushes her almost roughly back against their shared bed, holding her in place by her throat. John’s mouth covers hers, his tongue hot, and her tongue rolls against his. His hands are in her hair, and he can’t get enough of her. He hears her moan, and the sound is music to his ears. She briefly thinks of Matt and the difference in the way that each of them kiss her. Matt’s kisses are short, they’re usually given to her just before he runs out the front door for work. Whilst with John, he takes his time and kisses her like he means it. Clara pushes the thoughts of Matt from her head, nothing could ruin this now, it was just them in the world.

No Matt.

No regret.

No guilt.

Just the two of them, together.

He murmurs against her lips, ‘We really need to stop this,’ he pulls away and watches her face drop, ‘I can’t keep fucking you every time we even move. Can’t we do something… else?’

Clara frowns at him, ‘Like what?’

John sits down next to her, his blue eyes on the fabric of the sheets as he played with it between his fingers, ‘I don’t know – we’re in London, why don’t we go out to eat? It’s not like Matt or anybody we know will see us.’

She swallows, ‘John, this isn’t part of the deal.’

He rolls his eyes and lowers himself over her, his eyes unexplainably blue, ‘Can’t we spend a little bit of time together without ripping each other’s clothes off?’  
‘John…’

‘Come on, Clara, it can’t hurt, can it? We have the whole weekend her. Just let me take you out on a date. At this rate, I might as well just pay you for your services.’  
‘I am not a hooker!’

‘Certainly feels like it,’

Clara gives in.

An hour later, they’re walking down by the River Thames.

He prefers beaches, she prefers River’s.

Which makes him shiver, when he remembers his ex wife.

His dead ex wife.

What would she think about this? About what they were doing? He wasn’t cheating, she was dead, his marriage was over. But their son… the fact he was fucking their son’s girlfriend right behind his back, River would be mortified.

But she knew how screwed up their son was, how badly they had fucked up with him.

River would understand why.

He takes a deep breath and points towards a fish and chips shop, ‘Fancy some?’

Clara smirks at him, pushing her shades up into her hair to stare at him, ‘Really? You’re loaded, and you want to buy me some chips?’

John points at her, ‘Good point’ he murmurs, shrugging his shoulders, ‘In my defence, you told me there would be no fancy dates. This isn’t fancy.’

‘You have a point there.’

‘I know I do, I think about these things.’

Clara ignores him, her thoughts drifting to Matt again. He wasn’t perfect, far from it, but she wasn’t in love with him anymore. She was certain she was in love with John and the way he rolled the ‘R’ in her name.

She was sure she was in love with him because he listens to her at the end of a long day, he listens to her problems with Matt when he really shouldn’t because without his son knowing, he was the one screwing up their relationship. She loves him because he wants to buy her gifts, even if he can’t. She loves him because his lips quirk up when he smiles, she loves him because of the lines on his face, the lines that tell a thousand stories put into one man. 

A man so great, she knows she doesn’t deserve him.

She knows in her head, she doesn’t deserve anybody. Not Matt, not John, not anybody.

He heads over to the fish and chip shop and comes back around ten minutes later, two bags in his hands. Once he reaches her, he nods to a bench right by the Thames. They sit down and he silently hands her the bag of chips.

‘I got you a pickle as well, because I know you like them.’

Clara frowns.

Matt doesn’t know that about her, and now she realises, John really does listen. He listens to every word she says and it terrifies her.

‘Thanks,’ murmurs Clara, her hazel eyes stuck on the bag before she opens it up and starts to eat.

They watch the boats go past on the Thames, in a comfortable but worrying silence. They’re comfortable, but there’s always something looming over them. The worry that soon, Clara will have to go back to Matt and John will have to go back to his big, lonely house and suffer in silence whilst he watches the woman he loves fuck another man and move into a home with him, but, he couldn’t be selfish – it wasn’t his place to be selfish.

He smiles and nudges her, all of his thoughts disappearing whenever he looked at her smile, ‘How about after these, we go and explore a little? Really get into the depths of London?’

Clara hums, ‘John, you know we can’t, not really.’

‘But here, we can, Clara. Alright? Whilst we’re here, we can.’

She nods and takes his hand, ‘Come on then, you silly old man, let’s go and have a bit of fun.’

‘That doesn’t involve sex.’

Clara laughs, ‘That too,’

 

A/N; Thought I’d write this chapter a little differently, I hope the people reading it enjoyed it… If not, tell me in a comment aye, appreciate it.


	9. Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clara and John face some serious consequences...

A month later, Clara found herself on the verge of tears as she held a positive pregnancy test in hand.

She knew there was only one possibility of who the father could be. It was the same man that felt nothing except lust. Clara threw the test in a bin before getting ready for work, she knew what she had to do. She couldn’t bring a child into this world without loving parents.

John knocked on her door, a single rose in his hand as he waited for her to answer. He knew Matt wasn’t there, his car wasn’t outside. Once she opened the door to him, he stepped inside and handed her a rose, ‘I know you said no kissing, no cuddling, no gifts, but I thought you might like this,’ he murmured, blushing like a schoolboy as he shoved his hands into his pockets. 

Clara wiped her eyes, hoping he didn’t see her tears before staring at him in disbelief. It was a thoughtful gift, but he shouldn’t have done it, she had rules. Clara locked the door behind them as they walked towards her car together.

‘John, we both agreed on no gifts… But thank you,’ she said, a little sceptical at first as they walked to her car.

‘Um, I won’t be able to see you tonight,’ she told him, noticing the frown on his face, ‘I have an appointment to go to and I can’t cancel it,’ she said, referring to the abortion she had planned after school.

He nodded, suddenly finding his shoes very interesting, ‘Oh…’ John muttered, clearing his throat as he opened her car door for her, ‘I guess… Text me when you want to see me?’ he gave her a small smile and once she nodded her head, he closed the door and watched her drive off, more than confused about her behaviour. 

Had he done something wrong?

Clara drove immediately towards John’s hospital; it was pure coincidence that her appointment was there as she walked towards the lift. She hoped that she wouldn’t meet him there as she walked over to the receptionist. Thirty minutes seemed like an eternity. Was she doing the right thing? Should she have told him?

John walked around the hospital, his white coat firmly on as he walked around with his IPad, flicking through his patients cases. Martha Jones, a Doctor under his wing stopped him in the middle of the hall, ‘Doctor Smith, could you take one of my appointments really quickly? It’s a woman that wants to talk about abortion… You’re the only Doctor I know who can’t fuck it up and I have to pick up my son from school, he’s been in an accident,’ she said, a little panicky and out of breath.

John smiled warmly and rubbed Martha’s arm, ‘Yeah, yeah, of course. In your office, yes?’

Clara started to pace, she was sure it had been thirty minutes. Her constant glances at the clock was of any indication, maybe it was broken, or maybe The Doctor was out chitchatting whilst her patients were left waiting. Clara had enough, her nerves were needless to say on their last string. She flung her purse around her shoulder before walking towards the door, she didn’t get a chance to say a word when she found herself walking straight into John’s hard chest.

John stumbled backwards but outstretched his arms, managing to catch whoever had walked straight into him. His eyes widened when he looked down to find Clara standing in front of him and his eyes widened even further when he remembered what Martha had said; she wants an abortion.

John swallowed roughly, ‘Clara… my god, no… You can’t,’

Clara froze, all colour leaving her face as her heart sank, ‘No, no, no… Why are you here? She gasped, taking a few steps back from him.

Clara found herself struggling to breathe. Why was he here? He couldn’t possibly know, could he? But one look at his face told her otherwise. Her blood ran cold, her head spinning.

Sit, she needed to sit down.

‘Wh – why? What?’ she muttered, clearly confused as she took a seat.

John immediately helped her to sit down, sitting by her side as he swallowed roughly, ‘I didn’t follow you here if that’s what you’re thinking,’ he insisted, his blue eyes lit with a certain type of fire.

‘Clara… You can’t – you, oh god, you have to, don’t you? You have to get rid of our baby,’

Clara swallowed roughly, heart racing as she looked at him for answers, ‘I can’t keep it, if I stay with Matt… He’ll be raising his own brother,’ 

‘But I can raise him on my own if I – if I leave him,’ she said, her voice trembling.

‘John, I know you don’t want this, want me, but you don’t have to, I can leave and take care of the baby on my own. Matt will never know about us, about…’ she whispered, her hand landing on her stomach.

John swallowed roughly and shook his head, unable to look at her as he raised his arm, ‘I know this is going to be hard for both of us Clara… But we need to let this baby go, Matt can’t find out, it will break him and you know it will tip him over the edge,’ he inhaled sharply and looked Clara in the eye, raising her hand to kiss it. 

‘I’ll stay away… I’ll stay away from you now, I promise. Let you and Matt live the way you want to,’

Clara stood up, cross and confused, ‘How dare you?!’ she said, the raw emotion evident in her voice. She foolishly though he’d choose her, over Matt but it was becoming abundantly clear that she didn’t matter in this whole ordeal.

Her voice, her decisions didn’t matter to him, but he was right, she needed to have the abortion. Just then, her phone rang. She didn’t have time to ask who it was when she heard joyful screaming on the other end, it was Matt and he had apparently found the discarded pregnancy test.

John stared at her, standing up as he chewed on his nail, ‘Who is it?’ he whispered, the panic evident in his voice as he tried to work out what she was feeling through her facial expressions but it was no use; he was terrible with people and their feelings.

John took a deep breath and once she was off the phone, he stroked her arm, ‘Clara, you know you need to abort this baby…’

Clara held him at arm’s length, ‘It was Matt, he knows about the baby… He wants it,’ she said, taking a few steps back.

‘John, just stop trying to be fucking manipulative for once and feel!’ she screamed at him, her voice breaking.

‘Look at the mess we’ve created,’ she sighed, realisation sinking in.

John swallowed, his bottom lip wobbling as he stared at her, his blue eyes filling with tears, ‘You think I don’t feel?’ he murmured, his voice quiet and full of emotion.

‘You think I don’t flinch every time Matt kisses you? You think I don’t hate it when I know he fucks you too, huh? You think I enjoy watching you move in with my son when I…’ he stopped himself and stared down at the floor, his hands on his hips.

‘If you have this child and you bring it up, I have to leave. I can’t be a grandparent to my own goddamn child, Clara!’

Clara scoffed, ‘You think I do? Last time I slept with Matt was a little over a month ago… I can’t sleep with him when I…’ she stopped herself, turning her back to him.

She couldn’t say those words, couldn’t make it real, not when she knew he felt differently, ‘I don’t want Matt… John,’ she whispered, her shoulders dropping. 

She inhaled sharply, trying to muster her courage she needed for what she was about to do, ‘I can’t do this anymore…’

John nodded, biting down on his bottom lip as he kicked at the floor underneath him, unable to look Clara in the eye, ‘I know… We can’t do this anymore,’ he inhaled sharply and looked at her properly.

‘If you have this baby Clara, I can’t come back. You can’t expect me to be there and watch you and Matt play happy families,’

Clara shook her head, ‘You’re forcing me to kill our child, instead of bucking up and confronting Matt… I don’t love Matt, don’t you understand that?’ 

She took a deep breath, ‘If I have this abortion, I can’t be with you, you can’t expect me to go along after you kill our child…’ she sighed, using his words against him.

‘Choose John, choose what life you want, what life you can’t live without,’

John growled under his breath and pointed at her, his anger evident in his trembling voice, ‘I’m not forcing you, you know it’s the right thing to do!’ he exclaimed, turning to kick a bin over as the rubbish went everywhere.

‘Dammit, Clara! This isn’t fair, you’re forcing me to choose! Come on, you have to see keeping the baby isn’t an option!’ he stared at her, the tears flowing freely down his face.

‘Clara, please, I – I just, we have to think of Matt too. I have to think of Matt, we can’t have this baby, he’ll wonder why I’m gone and he’ll put two and two together and it will break his heart anyway…’

Clara stood her ground, ‘Why can’t we just…’ she stopped herself, overbearingly frustrated with him.

She didn’t want to argue, didn’t want think. She simply pushed him onto the couch, her lips just brushing his as his hands went to her ass, ‘Why can’t I just break up with Matt, but keep this is a secret still?’ she asked, genuinely confused.

‘We can still fuck, but without Matt in the picture,’ she told him, forcing him to look at her. Both of their eyes locked, glazed over with tears.

‘Or tell me I don’t mean anything to you and I’ll leave right now…’

John inhaled sharply, his body shaking as he didn’t speak for a moment, his big hands winding around her hips and as soon as she forced him to look at her, he felt a pain shoot through his neck, ‘Clara, stop – you’re hurting me,’ he whispered, flinching away from her touch when she gripped his neck a little harder.

Clara let him go instantly, ‘Is that it? Is that your final decision?’ she asked, knowing he was avoiding her question. When he didn’t answer, Clara left.

A few weeks went by; she’d broken things off with Matt, yet again letting him know that the pregnancy test was a false positive, and that she wasn’t in fact, pregnant. Clara moved out soon after. John had no idea what to do without Clara – he was almost lost. He knew then, nothing could ever replace Clara Oswald.


	10. Two years after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two years have passed since Clara fell pregnant...

Two years passed.

John was all over the papers for fixing a young woman’s face that had been completely destroyed by a fire and he had somehow got it to look impressively – normal. Maybe normal wasn’t the right word, but he was being praised for it nevertheless. The papers had a few pictures of him with the patient, he’d grown his hair out and beard, and Matt had started to call him Jeremy Corbynn – Matt had never found out about his father and Clara, he had moved on with a blonde girl named Rose, in John’s opinion, she didn’t have anynthing on Clara, but he wouldn’t tell Matt that.

Clara was too busy whipping the cake batter, she didn’t notice his arms wind round her, or the way he tugged at her, ‘Aren’t you an impatient little owl,’ she mused, turning to face him.

He looked so much like him, like John, his curly hair, his piercing blue eyes. At the time, she found herself almost gasping at how much he looked like his father.  
‘Mummy, mummy, can I be a Doctor?’ he asked, showing her the newspaper from this morning.

Her heart almost stopped when she saw John’s face staring back at her. Clara nodded, turning to look away, ‘Of course you can baby… You can be anything you want, my little Milo,’ she mused, tousling his hair.

She’d left London for the neighbouring city and began teaching there; she was doing alright for a single mother.

Milo pouted at his mother and stayed silent for only a few moments before he tugged on her apron again, wanting to be picked up as he rested his head on her shoulder, playing with the strands of her long hair that reached her hips, ‘Mummy, where’s my daddy? Why isn’t he with us?’

Clara swallowed.

How could she explain to her son that his father didn’t want him, or her, for that matter? That his father didn’t have the strength to fight for them?

Clara simply sighed, bouncing him on her hip, ‘I told you sweetie, not everyone has a daddy,’ 

She held onto her son as if he was the only thing keeping her in this life.

‘Come on baby, cakes done,’ she smiled, placing him down onto the floor as they both decorated the cake.

Clara had made it a family tradition to take Milo on holiday for his birthday, ‘Okay Milo, where do you want to go this year?’ she asked him, after he blew out the candles.

Milo thought for a moment and then grinned up at her, a toothy grin on show as he punched his hand into the air, ‘I want to go whenever that Doctor is so I can meet him and he can teach me how to be a good Doctor, like him! He saved that woman’s face, mumma…’

Clara groaned internally as she heard him, ‘Are you sure, sweetie? We could go somewhere else? Somewhere fun…’ she said kindly, trying to sway his decision. 

‘How about…’ she went to suggest, but he simply pouted and shook his head.

Just then Clara’s friend, Jack, walked in with an enormous stuffed owl.

Clara arched her eyebrow at the sight of the stuffed owl. She had met Jack two years ago, when she was standing on the brindle overlooking the Thames, thinking about jumping but thankfully, Jack had pulled her back over in time.

‘Look Milo, its Uncle Jack!’

Milo grinned and immediately ran forward, ignoring the owl and jumping straight into Jack’s arms as the American grinned and spun him around, ‘Uncle Jack!’ he exclaimed, tugging on the man’s hair as Jack kissed the little boy on his cheek.

‘How’s my favourite godson? Is mummy spoiling you on another trip?’

‘I’m trying to, but he wants to go see a Doctor instead…’ she said, handing Jack the newspaper, giving him a knowing glance as he noticed who was on the cover.

She noticed how Milo clung to Jack, and sighed. Her baby boy really was in the need of a father figure, and as much help as Jack had been, Milo needed his father.

‘Maybe you can convince him otherwise…’

Jack nodded and sent Clara a reassuring smile, placing Milo on his hip properly as he ruffled his hair, ‘Now, you listen to me, mate,’ he said sternly, noticing the little boy’s blue eyes grow wide with curiosity.

‘Mummy is going to take you on a holiday, not to see a Doctor. That Doctor, from what I’ve heard, isn’t a very nice man and mummy wants to protect you from him. So how about me, you and your mum go back to Lancashire, where mummy was born and explore there instead?’

Milo pouted for a good minute before nodding and pumping his fist, ‘Yeah!’ he shouted.

Clara mouthed a ‘thank you’ to Jack before taking her son into her arms, ‘There’s cake and coffee… Make yourself at home,’ she told him, about to put Milo down. 

A few days later, Clara was enjoying the scenery as they drove through Lancashire. She was sure they wouldn’t meet anyone here from her old life, no John, no Matt, just Milo, her and Jack.

‘You didn’t really have to come, Jack…’ she mused, but nevertheless kissed his cheek.

‘You’ve become like my older brother, you know…’ she teased, noticing Milo fast asleep in his car seat.

Jack winked at her, ‘According to Milo, who I believe calls me Uncle Jack, thinks I’m your brother,’ he mused, looking down at his phone as he sent a text to his boyfriend of three years, Ianto.

Jack glanced to the two year old fast asleep, his owl by his chest, ‘You’re the ugly sibling, by the way.’

Clara scoffed and slapped his chest, ‘As if! I can still get any man I want, I just don’t want any…’ she mused, waving to the little cottage in front of them.

‘There, I think that’s the B&B and no flirting with the management. I think she’s a lesbian, Jenny Flint was the name on the brochure,’ 

Jack snorted, ‘Maybe you’re the lesbian, ever considered that?’ he joked, looking out the window at the B&B.

‘Very British…’ he trailed off, opening the door to get out of the car.

He spotted a man on a ladder and immediately complimented him, ‘Fantastic bottom!’ he exclaimed, laughing when the man almost fell of the ladder, pulling his suspenders tighter around his body as his brown floppy hair fell over his face.

Clara jabbed Jack in the ribs, ‘Ignore him, he’s American,’ she teased, waving at the man, not getting a good look at him as she went to pick up the still sleeping Milo.  
‘I’ll get the room key, you take care of the luggage,’ she told him as she went inside.

The B&B looked very rustic, yet posh. It would definitely make a great holiday weekend. She walked right up to reception where a brunette was waiting for her, ‘Hi, I’m Clara… I called about possibly booking a room for the weekend?’

Jenny simply stared at her, instantly recognising Clara from over three years ago, ‘Oh…’ she murmured, deciding not to say anything.

Her eyes cast down to the book she had, ‘Ah, yes, right here… Clara and Jack Oswald, here’s your room key,’ she smiled, handing the key over, shuffling about on her feet awkwardly as the sound of a box dropping on the ground startled them all.

Matt stared at her, his voice deep and almost needy, ‘Clara…’

Clara squinted, the woman seemed oddly familiar, but she couldn’t place her face. Clara shrugged it off as nothing as she took the key, but the loud noise startled both her and Jack, but thankfully Milo didn’t wake. Her heart sank when she heard her name, her feet seemed glued to the floor beneath her as she tried but failed to move. It was only when she looked at the woman once more did she realise where she’d seen her.

She was Matt’s cousin.

‘M – Matt?’ she gasped, turning to face him, her eyes instantly darted to Jack for help as she waved him over.

Clara placed a quick kiss on Jack’s lips, making it out to seem as if they were a couple, ‘Just go along with it,’ she gritted through her teeth, awkwardly smiling at Matt.  
Jack coughed awkwardly but nevertheless, went along with it. This guy wasn’t John, so who was he? Clara hadn’t told him the full story. He cleared his throat and kissed her back, winding his arm around her shoulders as Matt pointed to the little boy.

‘Is this your son? Wow, you got married and had a baby?’

Clara shuffled awkwardly, ‘Just the baby… No marriage,’ she laughed it off, smiling tightly at Jack.

‘Oh darling, where are my manners? This is Matt, my former boyfriend… Matt, this is John – Um, Jack…’ she told him, cursing under her breath.

‘And this little one is Milo,’ she cleared her throat, essentially presenting Matt with his younger brother.

Jack could feel the tension between them and felt incredibly awkward and it was unlike him – a charismatic American – to feel as awkward as he did at this moment in time. Matt nodded and lent forward to bop Milo’s nose, grinning when the little boy giggled.

‘Hello. Aren’t you cute! Can I hold him?’ Matt asked Clara and when Jack was sure he couldn’t hear them, he whispered into her ear.

‘Who the hell is Matt?’

Clara relentlessly agreed. Once Milo and Matt were out of reach, she pulled Jack to the side, ‘He’s John’s son… I was almost engaged to him whilst I was fucking his father,’ she told him shamefully.

‘I know, you can give me a sermon later, just…’ she quieted down as Matt asked if they were staying long.

Clara cleared her throat and looked to Jack, ‘What do you say sweetheart, think it’s a good idea to stay long?’

Jack glared at her, the realisation shining right through his expression as he whispered to her, ‘Oh my god, John is his father!’ he hissed into her ear and when Matt asked his question, Jack automatically grinned at him.

‘Yeah, yeah, maybe we should stay for a couple of weeks… Have a bit of a break, you could catch up with Matt and Jenny here,’

Clara nudged him, recognising that look anywhere. Jack was planning something, ‘Are you sure? We could just stay the weekend,’ she sighed, before turning to see Milo taken with Matt.

Once Jack left to get the luggage, Clara took Milo back into her arms as they began walking to their room, ‘You look better… How have you been?’

Matt nodded, a beaming smile on his face, ‘Been very good… Married now, so that’s a good thing,’ he mused, flashing his wedding ring at her for a second.  
‘Dad doesn’t like her though,’

Clara nodded and stopped for a second at the mention of John. Was he fucking her as well? Was that the reason he never tried to reach out to her, he could only fuck the women his son was seeing?

‘He doesn’t? That’s surprising,’ she sighed, reaching their room.

She let Milo run around, ever the curious boy. She wanted to know more about John, but didn’t want to ask. She simply cleared her throat and grabbed Matt’s hand as she was about to leave. 

‘Matt, wait, I want to apologise, for being a lousy girlfriend…’

Matt shook his head, smiling sweetly at her, ‘No, no…’ he trailed off, his emerald eyes locking onto hers.

‘it wasn’t your fault, I was boring and I wasn’t a good boyfriend, but none of that matters because we’ve both moved on…’

Clara smiled sadly as if someone had wretched a knife into her heart, ‘No, you were perfect...’ she sighed, leaning over to kiss his cheek.

‘Yeah, I guess we have,’ she muttered, turning to look at milo, who was the spitting image of John.

Clara couldn’t help but feel a bit sad, but that was quickly erased when Milo came running to her side, ‘I like this place mummy, and I like him, he’s funny looking and his chin is massive!’ he said, pointing to Matt.

‘Can I go play with him?’

Clara simply stared at Matt.

Matt shrugged, ‘Don’t see why not,’ he smiled and bent to scoop Milo up off the floor, tickling his tummy as the boy squealed in his arms.

‘Do you like football, mate? I think I have too many limbs for football, maybe Tennis. Have you played Tennis before?’

Milo shook his head, trying to press down Matt’s hair and laughed harder when it bounced right back. He wrapped his little arms around his neck, placing his head down on his shoulder. Clara only smiled at the sight before watching them leave.

A few minutes later, there was a knock at her door and in walked Jenny.

Jenny cleared her throat, a small smile on her face, ‘Clara…’ she murmured, her heart racing as she watched Clara, ‘What you did to Matt – it damaged him, don’t let his smiley face fool you. You really hurt him, even if he is married now,’

Clara dropped her gaze, she was riddled with guilt and shame, ‘I know, but I couldn’t stay, I would’ve done more damage,’ she sighed, the sincerity evident in her voice.  
Jenny sighed and ran her hand through her hair, ‘We’re having a party tonight… You should come over so you and Matt can catch up,’ she sent her a friendly smile and left the room, her own agenda on her mind.

23rd April 2005

Flashback

 

Clara nudged Matt half way through one of their sessions, giggling into his ear about Chris’s ridiculous hair that was quite obviously fake and made out of god knows what.

Chris, the group leader and their therapist snapped his fingers in their direction, ‘Clara, Matthew, pay attention! These sessions are no good to you if you don’t pay attention,’

Matt scoffed, ‘You’re so fucking right,’ he scoffed at Chris, taking Clara’s hand, ‘Come on my Impossible Girl, we don’t need these sessions, just each other…’ 

Before anybody could say anything, Matt ran away with Clara, laughing the whole time. 

Clara giggled and let him drag her along, ‘Where are we going?!’ she yelled to him, her brown eyes on his as he merely laughed and ran with her, their hands holding onto each other’s desperately. Clara knew they wouldn’t end up together, but she had this attachment to him, like he was the replacement for her mother.

‘Anywhere and everywhere… It’ll be you and me forever, Clara! No one else,’ he mused as they ran, and continued to run from their sessions, their only therapy was each other.

12th July 2005  
After three months of knowing each other, their friendship blossomed. They bounced off of each other, spent every moment together and not once did they let anybody else come before the other one. Clara giggled as a piece of popcorn bounced from Matt’s forehead.

They were sat watching a film, their legs tangled over each other’s, ‘Your chin isn’t easily missed. It’s massive.’

Matt scoffed, ‘Oh, you’re one to talk… Have you seen those eyes of yours – bloody massive!’ he teased, bopping her nose. He held on tight to her legs, tickling just under her knee.

Clara kicked out, a grin on her lips as she wriggled next to him, ‘Oi! Stop the tickling!’ she protested, trying to wriggle away from him. She could feel herself deteriorating without the therapy, both of them were spiralling out of control.

Matt yelped as he pulled her on top of his lap, drinking her in. The sight of her fuelled his desire, his addiction to her, ‘My Impossible Girl…’ he said breathlessly, bending down to nip at her collarbone. He needed her more than she knew, needed her to keep him a float in this chaotic world.

Clara smirked down at him, settling herself on his lap properly, fingers in his brown hair as she tugged a little, ‘I can’t imagine my life without you, Matthew Robert Song…’ she mused, her Whiskey coloured eyes locked onto his.

‘You’re my addiction…’

Something clicked in Matt at the sound of her words, ‘And you’re mine, only mine, Clara Oswald,’ he hissed almost possessively, ‘It’s you and I… Or no one at all,’ he growled, continuing to kiss along her neck.

Clara inhaled sharply and took a deep breath, grinding her hips down on him as her fingers wrapped around his throat, ‘Mine,’ she whispered, her eyes possessive and wild, ‘Matt… Do you ever – do you ever think about things you shouldn’t do?’

Matt chuckled, ‘Like killing my father? He took my mother away from me,’ he growled, letting out a groan when Clara wrapped her fingers around his throat and squeezed.  
Clara pressed down harder on his throat, her lips brushing his, ‘I… I like the idea of having somebody’s life in my hands,’ she murmured, watching as he started to lose his breath, ‘That right now, if I wanted to, I could use my hands and choke you.’

Matt smirked and laughed at her, ‘No, you can’t… You’d never hurt me and I’d never hurt you,’ he whispered, taking her hand away from his throat, ‘My Impossible Girl…’ 

Clara shrugged her shoulders, kissing the finger that brushed against her lips, ‘Maybe I wouldn’t kill you…’ she trailed off, her brown eyes lit with something only Matt could understand, ‘But I could kill somebody else…’

Matt smirked, nodding his head before he bent to kiss her, his hands groping her ass, ‘Clara, I need you…’ 

She nodded, bending down to kiss him properly, her tongue gliding across his effortlessly. Once she had ripped his clothes from him and took off her own, she lifted herself up and slowly lowered herself down onto his cock. Once she had set a rhythm for both of them, her fingers wound around his throat, squeezing as she watched his reaction. 

Matt groaned, letting her take control of the situation, ‘More…’ he gasped breathlessly, digging his fingers into her hips, he began to thrust into her, long, deliberate and slow thrusts. 

Clara glared at him, her brown eyes dark, ‘Don’t fucking tease me, Matt…’ she growled, reaching her hand down to slap him right across the face, her other hand squeezing his throat as she heard him choke.

‘I am in control.’

Matt smirked and nodded his head, ‘Yes, Mistress…’ he mused, continuing to pound inside of her, ‘How do you want it? Tell me, Clara…’

Clara growled and choked him harder until he couldn’t speak, watching his neck grow purple with bruising. She bent to whisper into his ear, ‘You at my mercy,’ she moaned, panting heavily as he picked up his pace.

Matt arched his eyebrow and growled at her, flipping Clara onto all fours as he rammed inside of her from behind, his large hand pulling hard enough on her hair to pull some strands out. Clara winced, dropping onto her chest as she grabbed hold of the sheets, almost ripping them. She was in pain, but she chose to ignore it. She liked rough sex, she had told him that. Her eyes filled with tears as he continued to slam into her, not a noise out of her mouth. Matt growled as he started to pound into her, ignoring her pleas to stop, or slow down. His hand wrapped around the back of her neck, squeezing hard on purpose. It felt too good to see her squirm underneath him, to hear her gasping for air.  
‘Shh baby, you’re so tight, feel so good,’ he growled, selfishly soughing out his own orgasm. 

Clara couldn’t breathe, her body squashed by his weight as she squirmed underneath him, but eventually she stopped squirming and let him have his way with her. It hurt, but it felt good at the same time. She only associated pain with sex because nobody had ever made love to her. 

Matt’s thrusts became erratic as he slammed into her, uttering a feral groan before he spilled inside of her, ‘That was… fun,’ he said, slipping out of her as he tucked himself back in and did up his trousers.

‘See you soon, Oswald,’ he said, sending her a cheeky wink. 

Clara nodded, refusing to speak to him. She couldn’t, she felt almost sick with how much pain she was in, but she had asked for it. She panted heavily, laying on her front. He didn’t care about her, he just wanted a pretty girl to fuck. 

 

End of Flashback


	11. The Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clara, Jack and Milo visit Matt and Jenny for dinner...

Later on, when Clara, Jack and Milo had finally arrived at Jenny’s Victorian home that she shared with her wife Vastra, they all sat down at the dinner table and ate their dinner. Only, half way through, in strolled John, completely unaware Clara was even there as he shook off his coat and grinned at Jenny and Matt.

‘Sorry I’m so late guys, press interview, I -’ he stopped himself and dropped his coat on the floor, staring right at Clara.

No… She couldn’t be here. Act normal, Matt didn’t know.

John cleared his throat and nodded towards her, ‘Clara, nice to see you again,’ he smiled and then glanced to the little boy.

Oh fuck, she had kept the baby… And suddenly he couldn’t breathe as he sat down beside Matt.

Clara instantly froze at the sight of John, she knew coming here was a bad idea, but maybe a part of her longed to see him again. As John’s gaze fell on Milo, Clara reached for Jack’s hand, squeezing it rather tight. Clara swallowed hard, before turning to Jack. 

A fake smile on her lips as she brushed back a strand of hair off of his face, ‘We should really get going darling, it’s rather late… And our little man needs his sleep,’ she said, placing a soft kiss on his lips.

Jack nodded and went to stand to pick Milo up, but Jenny stopped them.

‘Guys, guys, before you go, I wanted you to watch a film with us. That’s okay, yeah?’ 

Jack shrugged. That was fine, why not?

Jenny smiled at them and once they had all sat down, the DVD started to play. Only, it was a recording of Clara sat on a kitchen counter at her old flat, John buried inside of her and Jack immediately jumped to cover Milo’s eyes. Both Clara and John instantly leapt for the remote control, trying to turn it off, their hands brushing momentarily until John ran behind the TV and pulled the plug out – shutting down the television. Clara sat down, her head spinning as her stomach felt like it was turning in on itself. There was a deadly silence in the room.

Her eyes immediately darted to her ex boyfriend, ‘M – Matt…’ she tried, but seemed to lack the courage.

Clara nodded for Jack to take Milo outside as she noticed Matt managing to stand. What was that emotion on his face? Was it rage? Was it sadness?

Matt swallowed roughly, pointing to the TV, ‘Oh my god,’ he muttered, staring right at Clara.

‘You – you bitch!’ he exclaimed, his face growing red with anger as Jenny stepped out of the room, DVD in hand so John or Clara couldn’t take it off of her.

‘You were fucking him! That’s who you were cheating on me with! How long had it been going on for?!’ he almost screamed, glaring at Clara before he turned to his father, stepping forward and punching him straight in the jaw, knocking him to the ground.

Clara threw a glance at Jenny. Why had she done this, did she not care about Matt?

Clara instantly stepped in between Matt and John. She pushed him back, her heart racing as she swallowed hard, ‘It’s not his fault… I started this, I seduced him, I used him for his money…’ she lied, but knew it was the only way he would back off of John.

Clara threw a glance at John, his nose bleeding, ‘He’s your father!’ she tried to reason with Matt, but it just made him worse.

Matt threw her across the room, Clara landing by the fireplace, splitting her head open as she continued to draw Matt’s anger towards her, and away from his father. John pushed himself off of the floor, a growl in his throat as he saw Matt luring near Clara, his fists clenched. He growled under his breath and jumped forward, grabbing the back of Matt’s throat as he pushed him backwards.

He climbed back over his son and repetitively punched him, seeing red that he had hurt Clara.

His Clara.

Clara was losing consciousness. The seething pain shooting through her as she struggled to fix her eyes on them, once she noticed John pouncing on John she stood, wobbling over to them as she yanked John away from Matt.

‘John, stop!’ Clara insisted, pulling him away from beating the crap out of his son.

Clara shot a glare at Jenny, ‘Was this what you wanted, huh? Father and son killing each other?! I left because I wanted to avoid this, sometimes the truth is more hurtful than…’ she murmured, her vision suddenly blurry as she collapsed onto the floor.

John immediately caught her – funny that, he had caught her before Matt had even moved. John swallowed roughly and picked Clara up into his arms, holding her close to him as his finger traced her cheekbone.

Matt glared at him, blood dripping from his nose, ‘This was more than just sex wasn’t it, John? You love each other, that’s why she ran… Milo is yours, isn’t he? That’s my fucking brother!’

Clara could feel someone’s hand gripping her tight, faint cries coming from somewhere close. She tried to open her eyes, the light blinding her straight away, ‘Milo?’ she whispered, noticing him clinging to her hand.

‘It’s okay baby, don’t cry, I’ll be fine,’ she told him, pulling her son closer as she wiped away his tears. She noticed Jack sat in the chair beside the window, a frown on his face.  
‘What? What’s wrong, what happened?’

Jack sighed and cleared his throat, running his hand over his face as he lent back in the chair, ‘Matt went insane – he figured out Milo was John’s son and jumped on him, starting punching him and he probably would have killed him if I didn’t come back in time.’

Clara’s eyes widened with concern as she held Milo close to her, trying to stand, but the pain impaired her, ‘I need to see him…’ she murmured, her voice filled with desperation and concern.

Clara arose against Jack’s wishes and went in search of John , she found him fairly quickly. He looked so fragile, so vulnerable, hooked up to all those machines. 

She could hear his faint heartbeat, reaching out to touch his bandaged head, ‘John…’ she whispered, reaching for his hand, yet there was no sign.

‘Please, John. Come back to me,’ she sighed, brushing her lips with her fingertips.

She remembered the rule.

No kissing, just sex, but that didn’t matter now. She loved him from the very first moment she met him, knew she wouldn’t be able to let him go. She slowly bent down to kiss him, a small tear running down her cheek as she pressed her lips against his.

As soon as he felt her lips on his – as if they were in some sort of fairy tale movie, his blue eyes suddenly opened, his heart racing as the monitor went insane, ‘Clara…’ he gasped for air, trying to pull out the drip in his arm.

‘Clara… He knows, Matt knows.’

Clara pressed her palms flat against his chest, her voice gentle, ‘I know, I know that he knows,’ she sighed, swatting John’s hand away from the drip.

‘Why would Jenny do that? How did she even get a video?’ she asked, but none of that mattered as Milo walked in, a frown on his face.

‘Mummy, why are you kissing the bad man? It’s his fault you have an ouchy,’ he said, crossing his arms over his chest.

Clara scooped Milo off of the floor, placing him on top of John’s bed, Milo instantly pouting at John. John stared at him, a little smile on his face that soon faded. He was confused… and glad, he knew this little boy was his son but by some technicality, it was his grandson.

John smiled and gentle lifted Milo’s chin up, ‘Yes, it is my fault mummy’s hurt… I should have intervened and stopped Matt before he could have hurt her and I’m sorry for that, Milo, I truly am…’

Milo moved away from John’s grasp and shook his head, ‘No!’ he exclaimed defiantly, glaring at his father.

‘You hurt mummy… Here,’ he whispered, pointing to Clara’s heart, ‘I know mummy cries at night because of you…’ he began, wiping away the tears from his eyes.  
‘You wanted me dead, that’s what mummy told Uncle Jack,’ 

Clara instantly wrapped her arms around her baby boy, she had no idea he’d heard that specific conversation. John swallowed roughly and frowned, dropping his head as a pain surged through him; and it wasn’t physical pain. He didn’t reach out for his son because if he was anything like him, he’d only move away.

John inhaled sharply, ‘Milo, no… I never wanted you dead, me and your mummy were in a difficult situation and she chose to run from me, which was well in her rights to do. But I’m glad Uncle Jack has been taking care of you, watching over the both of you…’

Clara rubbed Milo’s back, sighing when he whimpered against her shoulder, ‘Don’t worry, baby,’ she said, shushing him.

Once he was okay and calm, Clara put him down and watched as he ran out of the room and into Jack’s arms.

‘He’ll need time to warm up to you…’ she said in a reassuring voice, reaching out to hold John’s hand.

Clara didn’t know where they would go from here, but she was willing to work on it, work on them and their relationship  
‘I’m glad you’re okay…’

John nodded and clutched onto her hand, worried his own son wouldn’t accept him. He inhaled sharply and looked Clara in the eye, ‘I know I haven’t had the best start… But I’d like to at least try being his father, I did wrong by Matt, I brought him up badly… I want Milo to have a chance at having a dad,’ 

Clara nodded, bringing his hands to her lips, kissing it softly.

A few days passed and Clara was back home watching Milo playing in the park as she sat on a bench. She noticed John walking up to him and Milo simply pouted when he saw him, but continued to play on the slide.

‘Mummy says I have to be nice to you… But I don’t want to,’ Milo shrugged, taking off running.

Milo didn’t see the tree root sticking out of the grass as he ran and barely managed to put his hands down in front of him when he fell. He instantly burst into tears when his brain registered he had scraped and cut his knee up pretty badly. Clara stood up quickly, but stopped in her tracks when she decided to let John take the opportunity to be a dad, and handle the situation.

As soon as John saw his little boy trip, instinct kicked in and he ran straight over, lifting Milo up into his arms, ‘Shh, shh, don’t worry little man, we’ll get a plaster on that straight away. What kind do you want? Spaceships, dinosaurs, footballs?’ he asked, bouncing the boy on his hip as he tried to comfort him, taking Milo right over to Clara.

Milo nodded, laying his head on John’s shoulder, ‘Spaceships,’ he whispered, answering John’s question.

Clara watched the way Milo clung to John, they really did seem like an ordinary family.

‘You’ll be fine, baby, mummy’s here,’ whispered Clara, taking hold of Milo.

Clara and John hadn’t really sat down and spoken about what should happen next.

John pointed to a shop nearby the park, ‘I’ll be back soon,’ he nodded, walking over to the shop.

Five minutes later, he re-emerged with various packs of plasters for Milo, ‘Here, look, mate,’ he smiled, taking out a plaster full of spaceships.

‘Is this the one you wanted? Do you want to stick it on or do you want me to do it?’

Milo stared up at him. He was just as full of pride as his mother was, just as stubborn as her, but nevertheless he nodded, a pout still firmly on his lips as he winced when John placed the plaster over his knee.

Clara reached out her hand, touching John’s as she shook his hand to thank him, ‘Thank you…’ whispered Clara, clearing her throat as she noticed he was about to leave.  
Could she just watch him walk out of her life, again? 

‘John, wait…’ she caught up to him, Milo in arms, ‘D – Do – Would you like to get some sherbet with us? Trying to make up for Milo’s ruined birthday weekend,’ she sighed, suddenly feeling a bit awkward as she stared down at her feet.

John inhaled sharply but nodded his head, work could wait if he wanted to prove that he really did want to be in Milo’s life. 

He pointed down the street, ‘A friend suggested this shop down the road, it’s a sweet shop, so Milo can have anything he likes,’ he nodded and once they arrived, John waited for Clara to place Milo down on the floor before he leant over to her and whispered in her ear.

‘I’m not bribing him with sweets and money, if that’s what you’re thinking. I really am trying to make an effort and you’ve raised a beautiful boy, Clara.’

Clara nodded, reaching out for his hand as she gave it a gentle squeeze, ‘I know…’ she whispered, smiling as Milo managed to run around the sweets shop, despite his leg.

‘I may not be able to give him much, a teacher’s salary is crap, but I try to give him love… And time,’ she sighed, clearing her throat when she turned to face John.

‘I know you’re a busy man, but would you like to try and spend every other weekend with him?’ she asked, unsure of where they stood.

Would John want full custody of Milo?

John nodded, a smile on his face as it grew bigger and bigger at the prospect of spending time with his son, ‘Yeah, yeah, of course,’ he murmured, watching her closely.  
‘I still live in the same home, I have a dog too so I’m sure Milo will enjoy meeting him. Bring him round this Saturday? It will give me time to set up some activities,’

Saturday came by in a flash as Clara stood outside of John’s house, or rather mansion. She was getting a bit emotional, it was the only time they’d had apart since he was born and Clara couldn’t help but be an emotional and over protective mum. She pulled down the hem of Milo’s shirt, fixing his hair as she made sure his backpack was on properly.

‘Okay, so remember… He’s your father, so please for me, be nice to him. And remember, no running around in his house, and if you’re scared at night, your owl is in your backpack… And don’t forget to call me if you need anything, okay?’ she sighed, bending down to kiss his cheek, wiping away the lipstick stain just as John opened the door.


	12. Quality Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clara drops Milo off at John's, and once Clara returns to pick up Milo, herself and John have a heart to heart...

Milo nodded, his piercing blue eyes locked onto his mother as he saw how upset she was. 

Why was she crying? He pouted, his hands holding onto the straps of his backpack. 

He didn’t understand why he had to spend time with John, if his mother didn’t want him to. 

Milo took a deep breath, shoulders slumping as he turned to face John, trying to somewhat smile, ‘Hello,’

Clara nodded towards John, but held onto Milo, giving him an insanely tight hug. She inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of him, until Milo complained, ‘Okay, okay, I’ll be fine…’ she said, giving him another kiss.

Milo instantly walked inside the minute he saw the dog.

‘He likes a bedtime story before bed, but he’ll try to bargain for more, after his bedtime… Obviously, no sweets before bed.’ Clara told John, rambling on and on before she remembered John had been a father before. 

John laughed and reached out to stroke her arm, attempting to comfort her before he pulled his hand away, not entirely sure if it was okay to touch her, ‘I’ve been a father before, Clara. I know what I’m doing so don’t panic, if it makes you feel better, you can write a list down on what Milo likes and what he doesn’t like and if he’s allergic to anything,’  
Clara nodded, feeling a bit silly, ‘I have, it’s in his backpack… He’s allergic to cinnamon,’ she told him, taking one last look at Milo.

She reached out to touch John’s hand, ‘Take care of him, I trust you,’ she whispered, her gaze meeting his.

Even after so many years, he still managed to send her skin ablaze with just a touch. Clara swallowed hard, before turning on her heels to leave. John stared at her, his mouth opening to speak to her but his brain just wasn’t cooperating. He simply nodded his head, feeling a bit stupid for doing so as he watched her leave, a dumb smile on his face. When she was gone, he went inside to find Milo cuddled up to his dog.

‘Do you like him, mate? He’s a nice colour, isn’t he? Super fluffy, kind of like a bear… Do you know what breed he is?’ he questioned the little boy, smiling when Milo shook his head and stared up at him in wonderment.

‘He’s a Samoyed,’

Milo laughed as the dog licked his face, ‘Sam – oyed?’ he asked his father, making sure he’d pronounced it correctly before hugging the dog, ‘I always wanted a dog, but mummy says it’s against the rules in our home… Landlord is mean,’ he said in between giggles as every time he spoke, the dog licked him.

Just then a tall, dark woman with a weird accent walked in.

‘Doctor? Oh… Who’s this? Cute as,’ she said, pinching Milo’s cheek.

Milo simply raised his eyebrow at the funny looking lady.

John looked at his friend and smiled fondly at her, reaching down to scoop Milo off of the ground, turning him to face her, ‘Milo, this is daddy’s friend, Bill,’ he cleared his throat, feeling a little strange to introduce a son she didn’t know he had, ‘And Bill, this is Milo, my son.’

Bill instantly took a step back, ‘Woah! How, I mean, I know how… But,’ she grimaced, pointing to his trousers, ‘I didn’t think it still worked,’ she teased, moving to hold Milo.  
‘You are so cute… Just look at you,’ she mused, ruffling his hair which was something Milo hated.

Bill placed Milo down, clapping her hands together, ‘Came for my jacket, think I left it here last night…’ she sighed, spotting her yellow bubble jacket over by the coffee table.

John nodded over to the coat sat folded up on his coffee table, ‘Right over there – making a right mess of my house,’ he rolled his eyes, folding his arms over his chest, ‘How was your date with Penny?’ he asked her, keeping his eyes on his little boy who laid over his dog.

Bill shrugged, ‘Still haven’t asked her out, she’s out of my league,’ she sighed, zipping up her coat.

John snorted, staring at her, ‘Bill, that’s ridiculous. She’s not out of your league, nobody is,’

‘I’ve almost finished with that paper by the way, I’ll have it for you Monday morning,’ said Bill, leaning in to hug him.

Milo watched his father and the woman interact, but said nothing as he took off his backpack and began to search through it.

John hugged his friend back, his blue eyes watching his son. Was he confused about his interaction with Bill? What would Clara do? Would she explain it to Milo, or would she ignore it? John wasn’t sure how much Milo did and didn’t understand. Once Bill left, John bent to talk to Milo, touching his shoulder to get him to look at his father.

‘Milo, I want you to know, Bill really is just my friend… She’s into girls and only girls. Do you know what that means?’

‘Uncle Jack is like that too… But it’s normal, mummy said love is love,’ he said, smiling up at his father.

As the hours went by, Clara couldn’t find sleep. She tossed and turned, wondering what Milo was doing, if he was okay, until her thoughts turned to John. He looked so good in that red shirt today. Clara whimpered, her hand reaching between her thighs until her phone rang- startling her. Once she picked up, John spoke into the phone, his voice deep and Scottish accent thick.

‘I just called to let you know everything is fine, Milo hasn’t had any cinnamon and now he’s sat watching the TV and I’m about to put him to bed,’ he told her, arching his eyebrow at her heavy breathing.

‘Clara, have I interrupted something?’

Clara blushed, quickly clearing her throat, ‘N – No…’ she said almost breathlessly.

Why did have to have such a seductive voice? 

She coughed nervously and sat up, ‘Can I speak with him? I miss his voice,’

John was a little bit confused by the raspy voice she was giving off but went to sit by Milo anyway. Milo and Clara spent around thirty minutes talking before they said their goodbyes and John quickly carried Milo off to bed, tucking him in before he went to bed himself. He had to remember that Clara wanted to pick Milo up tomorrow night at seven.   
Milo awoke early the next morning, running into John’s room to find him still asleep. So, the little boy continued on his journey downstairs and into the kitchen where he found some biscuits. He instantly placed three in his mouth, without realising they contained cinnamon. John happened to be in the shower as Milo ate the biscuits and once he was downstairs, he walked into the kitchen to find Milo sat on one of the chairs, drinking a glass of milk.

‘Have you had your breakfast, mate? Do you want daddy to cook you something or make you something?’

Milo had two more biscuits stuffed into his mouth, unable to talk. He tried to hide the evidence from John, but soon his throat felt itchy. He soon spit the biscuits onto the counter, struggling to breathe.

His eyes widened when he started to panic, ‘D – daddy?’ he said, his voice hoarse. 

John’s eyes widened once he realised why Milo’s face was so puffy and blown up and ran straight over, almost tripping on the way. Once he reached his son, he grabbed hold of his bag, ‘Milo, stay calm, daddy will help, don’t worry,’ his hands shook as he tried to find a needle to inject his medication as quickly as he could, as he couldn’t swallow any tablets.

John’s hands never shook when he treated a patient and that’s when he knew, he cared and loved this little boy with all his heart. John quickly jammed the needle into Milo’s arm, flinching when he cried out, ‘I know, baby, I know… You’ll be able to breathe in a minute, don’t worry, the nasty needle will be worth it.’

Milo hid his face against his father’s chest, slowly starting to regain his breath, ‘I’m sorry…’ he whispered, apologising for taking the biscuits without permission.

He shook his head, smiling down at Milo as he rested his hand on top of his head, holding his son tighter to his chest, ‘Be careful next time. Ask daddy if you want to eat something just in case it has cinnamon in it,’ 

John smiled and scooped him up into his arms properly, ‘Let’s not tell your mother about this, Milo. She’ll only panic.’

Milo promised. He hadn’t realised he’d called John ‘daddy’ for the first time, but found himself liking the idea of having a dad, ‘I promise…’ he muttered weakly.

He started to think of his mother and remembered how it was her birthday today and he hadn’t got her anything, she was picking him up tonight. Milo instantly ran outside and pulled a few flowers from John’s garden.

Milo giggled when John tried peeking at his card, ‘No, daddy! It’s for mummy’s eyes only,’ he said, hiding it from his father. After a while, he joined John’s side, wondering what they were doing today.

It finally clicked for John when he realised it was Clara’s birthday, ‘Shit…’ murmured John, smiling down at Milo, ‘How do you fancy going shopping with lots of money to buy your mummy a birthday present?’

Milo just look at him confused, but ultimately nodded.

Clara was groaning as Jack kept listing off why she should begin dating again, ‘I agreed to this one date, with your friend… What was his name again?’ she asked, bashful as she turned for him to zip up her dress.

‘Do I look alright?’ asked Clara, and by the stupid grin on his face, she probably looked amazing, ‘I can’t believe I’m older today…’ she leant against him, punching his arm for making her go out.

Jack smirked and clicked his fingers, ‘Danny Pink, lovely fella, muscular too,’ he winked at her and winced when she punched him, holding onto his shoulder, ‘Outch! Don’t be so mean,’ he pouted and then nudged her again.

‘You don’t have to sleep with the guy, it’s just a date and I know for a fact he doesn’t mind children,’

Clara rolled her eyes, ‘That’s not the problem Jack, and you know it.’ She said, applying her lipstick, ‘You know the reason why I haven’t been, or gone out with anyone… I love John,’ she said, cupping her friend’s face, ‘Well come on you, Ianto can wait, I was promised dancing and booze.’

Jack nodded, ‘Yes you were, Miss Oswald,’ he laughed and looped his arm through hers, the two of them walking to one of the local pubs.

They started at the pub and then finally found themselves completely wrecked in a club, grinding against each other and attracting a lot of attention from both genders. Jack had to admit, once Clara let go of all her worries, she knew how to party. Clara felt good. Her whole body moved in time with the beat. She missed Milo, but had to admit that it felt nice to feel young again, to feel like a woman instead of a mother. She spent the entire night grinding against Jack, her phone left on silent.

‘I feel like I’m forgetting something…’ she blurted out, half drunk in the midst of dancing, until she remembered she had to pick up Milo.

‘Fuck, Jack! I have to go!’ shouted Clara, tugging on his arm. 

Once she was out of the club, she yelled for a cab and made her way to John’s mansion. She stumbled in drunk just after two in the morning, her heart racing as she knocked on the door. John sighed, walking over to his front door, more than pissed off Clara had completely forgotten about their son. He yanked open the door and pulled her inside, kicking the door shut as he spoke as quietly as possible.

‘You better explain fast and do it quietly, whilst he’s asleep,’ John nodded to Milo fast asleep on the couch, a blanket keeping him warm with his owl snuggled close to him, a dummy in his mouth that John had used to stop him from crying.

Clara frowned. She didn’t have a good explanation at all, ‘Jack took me out for my birthday…’ she said truthfully, flopping herself by the table in front of Milo.

She came upon his little hand drawn card and bent to kiss his head, feeling him shuffling underneath her kiss.

‘Mummy?’ he murmured, waking himself up.

Clara’s heart broke, brushing back his hair, ‘I’m here, baby… I’m so sorry,’ she sighed, holding him close to her.

‘John, can I stay the night?’ she said, her eyes falling on him.

John sighed, his anger seemed to dim down at the sight of his Clara and their boy embracing, it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, apart from when his dead wife had cuddled their son to sleep. 

He smiled, the corners of his mouth hitching upwards, ‘Yeah, you can. You can take him into his room, I’ll put a mattress on the floor of his room if you’d rather stay with him.’

Milo yawned, wiping the sleep from his eyes, ‘Why can’t mummy stay with you?’ he asked, his voice laced with sleep, ‘Is it because you like Bill and not mummy?’ he muttered between another yawn.

Clara instantly went into mother mode, lifting his chin so Milo could see her, ‘Darling, remember what I told you? Not all families are the same, some have a mummy and a daddy, others have only a mummy…’ she began, looking to John.

‘Well, it’s kind of like that... Daddy and I love you so much, but daddy doesn’t have to love me – mummy back,’ she sighed, a lump in her throat, ‘Do you understand now, sweetie?’

She thought John didn’t love her?

He inhaled sharply and joined Clara’s side, smiling at Milo, ‘Bill isn’t daddy’s girlfriend, mate. She’s gay, that means she only likes women. Daddy hasn’t met anyone quite like your mother since she left with you.’

Clara was in awe for a moment, her heart breaking fast as she registered his words. She was about to speak when Milo interrupted her, ‘I know that daddy… But you hug Bill and kiss her, and laugh with her, you never do that with mummy.’ He sighed, not understanding why his parents loved each other but couldn’t be together.

‘Come on Milo, it’s late… Let’s get you to bed,’ she sighed, about to walk up the stairs.

John immediately stepped up and carefully took the two year old from Clara’s arms, his arm just underneath Milo’s body as he laid over his shoulder, snuggling his owl, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll take him up. You just worry about getting up the stairs yourself,’ mumbled John, turning on his heel to make his way up the stairs.

Once he was inside, he placed Milo in his cot. He had brought him one in case he fell out of a normal bed and hurt himself. He’d completely forgotten that Clara hadn’t seen Milo’s newly decorated room. John had painted it full of the galaxy and all sorts of different spaceships, remembering that little bit of information Milo had told him, that he preferred spaceships over everything else. 

Clara stood in awe of Milo’s room, it was far greater than what she could ever provide for him. She reached out to touch John’s arm, a gentle squeeze of appreciation as they walked out into the hallway, ‘Thank you… For,’ she nodded to the room.

They stood there silent for a while before they both spoke simultaneously. A small nervous laughter passed through her lips before clearing her throat, ‘Think I can use your shower? I’m a bit sweaty from dancing,’ she said, gesturing to her rather revealing dress.

John nodded, his blue eyes dropping to her body and the rather revealing dress. He swallowed roughly, wanting nothing more than to drop down on his knees and – no, he couldn’t. He couldn’t think like that, it was over between them now. John turned around and walked off down the corridor, expecting Clara to follow him and once she did, he nudged open the bathroom door.

‘Towels are already in there and there’s a dressing gown hanging up if you want to sleep in that. Sorry, I don’t wear women’s clothes anymore,’ he teased her, a growing smirk on his face.

Clara smirked, flashes of John standing in her red laced panties crossed through her mind. They used to have so much fun, and yet she wanted more than fun. She wanted the sappy things that came with it. Clara took a brief shower before walking back into his room, his dressing gown insanely huge on her petite frame. She had to admit, the silk felt nice against her soft smooth skin. 

She traced the embroidery, sitting on the edge of his bed. Her eyes were on him, ‘Where do you want me?’

John simply stared at her, a bit of a smirk before he realised she wasn’t intentionally flirting with him. What were they doing to each other? Why couldn’t they just talk like normal human beings without it ending in an argument? John sighed and looked Clara in the eye, ‘Clara, I think we need to talk…’

Clara swallowed hard and nodded. She figured it was a long overdue talk, but what if he wanted to put a stop to all of this? What if he wanted to push her away?

‘It’s been long overdue, I suppose…’ she sighed, moving to sit down next to him, her thigh brushing against his hand. Clara kept quiet, waiting for him to start, but it seemed as if he was doing the same thing.

John cleared his throat, ‘Right, okay…’ he murmured, realising that she wanted him to start talking. 

Taking a deep breath, he kept his hand on her thigh, looking her in the eye, ‘What we did – what we did to Matt, was wrong… We shouldn’t have even started it, Clara. It was wrong, we were wrong… even if it did feel right.’

Clara tried to ignore his hand on her thigh, swallowing as she lifted her head to look at him, ‘I know it was wrong John, but you…’ she started, inhaling sharply as she took hold of his hand.

‘You made me feel alive, you made yourself essential to me, my drug,’ she told him honestly, smiling a little. Her smile quickly faded when she realised John couldn’t even look at her. 

She let go of his hand, ‘It’s okay, John… I understand, we’ll keep things in peace for Milo if that’s what you want,’ mumbled Clara, standing herself up. She knew that look on his face, it was one she’d given too many people before breaking up with them.

John inhaled sharply and stared at her, ‘Clara, wait…’ he told her, his voice deep as he tugged on Clara’s wrist and pulled her back onto the bed, ‘I haven’t finished yet. Just stay still and listen, don’t run away from me.’

Clara shook her head, ‘I can’t, John… I can’t sit here and listen to the only man that I’ve ever loved tell me he doesn’t love me… I can’t hear those words, because when I do, I’ll have to bare the truth and I just can’t,’ she said, letting her head fall into her hands.

Her heart raced and pounded hard in her ears, her whole body starting to shake. She couldn’t see him, didn’t dare to look at him. John inhaled sharply and grabbed hold of Clara by her shoulders, turning her to face him.

‘Clara, Clara, listen.’ He told her, his voice stern.

When she couldn’t calm down, his hands reached down and cupped her face, leaning down to kiss her gently. It was the first kiss he had given her in years that wasn’t rough and callous, it was kind and sweet, showing her just how he felt without using his words. Clara was taken aback, her heart pounding in her chest. A million thoughts ran through her mind, but he seemed to brush them away with his kiss. She couldn’t remember the last time he had kissed her. She remembered kissing him on that first night together, but never since then. His lips felt so soft against hers, she found herself moaning into his mouth, her hands in his hair. He growled under his breath and leant forward, knocking Clara back onto his bed, his teeth capturing her bottom lip as his arm wound around her neck, holding her in place as they kissed slowly, they weren’t in a rush, they didn’t need to rush.  
Clara closed her eyes, her hands freely roaming and exploring his body, she smiled against his mouth, her hands wandering with no rush. She noticed how he moaned when her nails scrapped his shoulders, the way he moaned as she nipped at his skin, it was as if they were rediscovering what they liked. 

John panted heavily, grabbing hold of Clara’s wrist as he pinned it down, sighing heavily, ‘Clara, darling, we can’t…’ he told her, pulling away from their desperate and needy kiss, ‘We need to think rationally, and having sex isn’t going to help our situation, we need to talk about what we’re going to do, what will happen with Milo too,’

Clara sighed against his lips, but eventually nodded, ‘You’re right…’ she told him, sitting up as she rested her head on his shoulder, her hand reaching out to squeeze his. 

John squeezed her hand to comfort her, raising it to kiss her knuckles, ‘Clara, I hope you know how I feel about you… How I truly feel about you, even if I can’t quite say it with words yet,’ he whispered, unable to look at her. 

He had struggled with love since his wife died, he wasn’t even sure if River did love him.

Clara gave him a sympathetic smile, turning his chin, ‘Of course I know and I love you too,’ she told him, brushing her lips against his, ‘So, what happens now? Us and Milo?’

He kissed her back, his eyes closing. He didn’t seem to reopen them until he realised Clara was staring right at his face, giggling that he was star struck by her kissing him, ‘Um…’

John cleared his throat, snapping out of his trance as he looked to the door, ‘I guess, we should go away for a few weeks together? Just us three, see if we really do enjoy being a family? Because all we’ve really done is fuck each other, Clara… We need to act like a couple before we can be one, test it out.’

Clara nodded, a small yawn passing through her as her eyes suddenly felt heavy with sleep. She sank down onto the mattress, her head on his soft pillow as she looked at him, ‘That sounds more than reasonable…’ 

John nodded and laid beside her, a smile on his face as he reached out to touch her face, his blue eyes locked onto her, ‘You’re so beautiful…’ he murmured and soon, he fell asleep himself.


	13. We look like a family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The three man family spend a bit of time together, even if their happiness will come to an end soon...

Clara awoke slightly confused.

She remembered having a conversation with John, but after that it was a blank.

Had she fallen asleep? She must of.

Her questions were soon answered when she felt a stirring next to her, followed by a large hand draping over her and pulling her close. She instantly smiled as she knew who it was – John. It was the first time they’d ever literally slept together, the first time she’d ever stayed the night. She wanted to stay like this forever, embracing in his arms.  
John’s other arm slipped underneath Clara, pulling her back up against his chest. He was still asleep, but mumbling into her hair. He was muttering about Clara and death, and losing her and then he was fidgeting, kicking his arms and legs out. 

Clara instantly turned, dodging a few hits as she took hold of his shoulders and shook him gently, ‘John… John, I’m right here, it’s just a dream,’ she whispered and sighed as he stopped fidgeting.

She smiled when she saw his beautiful blue eyes open, staring into her large brown eyes, ‘Morning…’ she mused, brushing away his sweaty silver curls.

John panted heavily, unable to move as he let out various pants and shallow breaths, ‘You’re still here…’ he murmured, a little smirk on his face as he reached to wind his arm around her.

‘Sorry about that, I was dreaming…’

‘Of course I’m here, and I always will be…’ she whispered into his hair.

She couldn’t help but smile, he looked exactly like Milo after a nightmare. Clara held him close to her chest, her hand brushing away a few strands of hair from his face when she noticed his shallow breath.

‘I can see that, darling… Not a very nice dream, was it?’ she asked him, settling back down as she let John hold onto her.

He moved down her body, clutching onto the tiny woman as he whimpered, ‘Somebody was trying to kill you, I was trying to help but I couldn’t reach you,’ John sniffed, his behaviour quite like that of a little boy’s.

Clara had never seen this side to him, never seen him so vulnerable, so shaken. She sighed, holding onto him, repeating that it was okay, that no one was after them. It appeared Milo had a similar dream as he waddled into the room, one hand strapped around his owl, whilst the other held onto Cloud.

‘Does my brother hate me?’ Milo asked, trying to climb onto the large bed from John’s side.

John swallowed roughly and lifted Milo into his arms, kissing into his hair, ‘I haven’t spoken to your brother since he found out about me and your mother. See, she was his girlfriend before…’ he told him and watched as Milo nodded, pulling Cloud up by his collar as the dog cuddled against them all. 

As John looked around them, he started to smile. They really did look like a family.

Clara cleared her throat and bent to kiss Milo, a soft smile on her face as she watched John and Milo. They seemed happy with one another.

‘Mummy, are we staying with daddy now? It’s so much bigger here,’ he said, almost hopeful, but Clara simply looked to John.

‘Um, sweetie, your daddy and I have to get to know one another again first before we move in together… Isn’t that right, daddy?’

John nodded, a little smile on his face as he grabbed hold of Milo’s foot and then reached down to tickle him, laughing when the little boy squealed, ‘If mummy doesn’t mind, I’d like for you and her to stay here with me. No matter what happens with myself and your mum, Milo, you’ll always be my son and you’ll always have a home here,’ 

He cleared his throat to stop the lump in it, ‘And so will your mummy. We’re a family now and this time, I’m going to do it right.’

Milo only laughed giddily at his father and nodded, instantly turning to Clara, ‘Oh mummy, please can we stay here?’ he said, overly excited.

Clara looked to John and nodded, ‘I’d love to…’ 

By the end of the night, Clara had packed all of their things and placed them in the boot of her car, before she drove to John’s. 

John opened the double doors to his mansion and immediately picked up his little boy into his arms, spinning him around – something he had never done with Matt when he was little. 

John kissed into his hair, smiling from ear to ear, ‘Hello, my boy. Cloud and I missed you, little man…’

Clara smiled and for a brief moment, they truly seemed like a real family. Milo only laughed, wrapping his tiny arms around his father, ‘Miss you too, daddy…’ 

Clara shuffled awkwardly, placing her things inside, only bringing the essentials, ‘I should go unpack Milo’s things first…’

John nodded and sent Clara a wink. Once Clara had unpacked all of Milo’s things and made her way back downstairs, the two of them were playing in the huge back garden with Cloud. The overly fluffy dog jumped up at them as John balanced Milo on his back, pretending he was an aeroplane as they ran in circles around the garden.

Clara stood by the threshold, a broad smile on her face as she watched them, ‘Be careful, Milo… Daddy isn’t as young as me,’ she teased, retreating into the kitchen to start their dinner.

After a while, she heard their feet padding inside from the back door, the doors whooshing open. She marvelled at how young John looked when he smiled, a boyish quality to him. 

‘Hey! You’ll ruin your dinner!’ exclaimed Clara, swatting both of their hands as they tried to get at the tray of brownies she had made, ‘Are your hands clean?’ she asked them, smiling as Milo turned his palms upwards.

‘And yours?’ she grinned, nodding to John, a knowing smirk on her lips. 

John refrained from rolling his eyes and went along with it, smirking to himself, ‘Yes, mum,’ he said rather sarcastically, holding up his hands to show Clara.

He rushed over to the table, sitting Milo down in the chair beside him, ‘Is your mother’s cooking still as bad as it used to be? Does she still burn souffles?’ 

Milo cocked his head to the side and shook it, ‘No, mummy’s food is delicious,’ he said, watching his mother place the food in front of Milo and John.

‘So, tell me the truth, how is it?’ she asked a bit nervously, biting her bottom lip.

John took a few bites and a smile immediately appeared on his face, ‘That is gorgeous,’ he murmured, eating more of it until he turned to wink at her, ‘You did good, Oswald,’

Clara smirked, reaching out to touch his hand. She loved this, loved being with him in this sense, no sex, just them. It had been years since she had any kind of sex and now it seemed like it was the last thing on her mind and apparently it was the last thing on his mind.

‘Hey, I’m an Oswald too…’ grumbled Milo, ‘But it really is yummy, mumma…’

John stared at her, his mouth turning upwards as the whole world seemed to stop around them whenever their eyes locked. It was cheesy thing to think, but in some stories, love like this really did happen.

He broke his gaze from Clara’s, grinning down at their little boy, ‘Of course you’re an Oswald…’ he mused, pinching his cheeks to annoy him as Milo swatted at John’s hand, something Clara used to do whenever she grew frustrated with him.

‘I know daddy, but I want to be a Smith too, just like you…’ he said hopefully.

Once they had finished, Clara took Milo upstairs for a bubble bath, ‘Careful, sweetie,’ she warned, standing Milo up in the bath as he almost slipped, Cloud growling next to them, thinking Clara was hurting the little boy.

Milo pouted, splashing in the bath as he reached out to stroke Cloud, ‘It’s okay, go play…’ he told him, nodding his head to encourage the big dog as it turned and ran from the bathroom. 

He reached for a rubber duck toy and splashed it into the bath, giggling when the soapy water went all over Clara’s dress, ‘Mummy… Do you think Daddy loves us more than his old family?’

Clara rolled her eyes in a playful manner, ‘I’m not sure, sweetie… I think John loves his older son, but he was different then, and now with you he gets a second chance at being a good father,’ she said, smiling but frowned when she remembered how Matt used to describe his father, it was nothing like the man she knew now.

‘Come on, you little space-monkey, time to get you all dried up.’

Milo grinned and lifted his arms up, waiting for his mother to pick him up and out of the water. He stood there and fiddled with Clara’s hair as she dried him off, ‘Mummy…’ he started, his blue eyes filled with adoration.

‘You’re very beautiful,’ 

Clara laughed, ‘You think so? My hair is already turning grey, but let’s not tell daddy that,’ she mused, tickling his tummy when she had wrapped him in his towel, dabbing his nose as he giggled.

Once he was dried, Clara lifted him into her arms, wincing as she stood straighter. She really was getting old, even at thirty three, ‘Which onesie will it be today?’ she asked, holding up a spaceship one and a dinosaur one.

Milo grinned, pointing and trying to reach for the spaceship one, ‘Spaceships, mumma! Spaceships!’

Clara grinned, ‘Of course, silly mummy…’ she said, wrapping him in his onesie. 

Clara read him a quick story before he fell asleep, her own eyes full of sleep as she settled down beside her baby boy and slept alongside him, like many nights before John. John realised they had been gone for a while and whilst he let Cloud into the garden, he ventured upstairs and creaked open Milo’s bedroom door, smiling to himself when he noticed Clara laid beside him.

‘Sweet…’ he murmured, closing the door again.

He took out his phone and planned an outing for them tomorrow. Unknown to him, Matt had got into contact with an old friend, Vastra, who happened to be a cop. He had asked for John’s case file and as he looked through it, he seemed to only convince himself that John did kill his mother on purpose and he was going to prove it to Clara.


	14. Revenge best served cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John takes Clara and Milo for a trip to the beach, but Matt is lurking in the distance...

Clara awoke with a bit of a stiff neck from sleeping in Milo’s tiny bed, ‘Morning, sweetie…’ she sighed, watching him looking at her.

Clara groaned when she felt the dog jump onto the bed, pouncing on her before licking Milo’s face, he was soon giggling under Cloud. 

John ran in the after the dog, an annoyed expression on his face, ‘Cloud, come back here!’ he shouted before he stopped in the doorway, smiling awkwardly at them both, ‘Sorry, I thought you were both still asleep. So… Who’s up for a beach trip?’

Clara nodded, letting him know it was okay. She was about to speak when Milo ran to John, ‘Oh, the beach?! I am! Mummy, can we go, please?!’ he turned to ask his mother, knowing he’d never been to a beach before.

‘Of course we can, sweetie…’ Clara told him, standing up as every bone in her body popped. 

Definitely not attractive, but then again, John wasn’t interested in her sexually as of late.

‘Just give me a second to shower and change,’ she said, going into the spare room to search through her luggage. 

John nodded and smiled at her, holding his son on his hip. Together they walked downstairs and once they reached the last step, John carefully placed Milo on the floor as the little boy toddled off towards all the beach essentials John had brought for them. Spades, towels, buckets, swimming costumes, beach balls and arm bands. 

Once Clara walked up to his side, he smiled at her and whispered into her ear, ‘I wasn’t sure if he could swim or not, so I got him arm bands. If he can’t, I’ll teach him.’

Clara smirked and nodded, ‘I think you’ll have to teach him,’

Once they arrived, Clara quickly disrobed and revealed her bathing suit. She had to admit, even in her old age, she still looked rather… hot. She rubbed sunscreen onto Milo before putting some on herself, she stopped halfway through when she realised she couldn’t reach her back.

‘John, do you mind?’ she asked rather awkwardly, gesturing to her back.

Once John had set everything down, he coughed nervously and nodded his head. He couldn’t exactly say no, could he? He made his way over to her, shades on so she wouldn’t be able to tell his emotion through his eyes. He inhaled sharply, sitting behind Clara as he took the bottle and then slowly rubbed it into her back, Milo running to build a sand castle. He couldn’t deny the thoughts running through his head, all he wanted to do was grab the back of her hair and yank on it as hard as he could as he fucked her – just like he used to. But he would have to hold off, their relationship wasn’t about sex anymore, it was about building a family together, even if it was small.

Clara had to bite her lower lip to supress a moan. She’d be lying if she didn’t admit that she’d missed his touch. She had to press her thighs together as memories of them surged through her mind. Once he was done, she turned, a crimson blush covering her entire face.

‘Do you need some as well?’ asked Clara, and when he nodded, she made him lay flat on his stomach before straddling him.

Her hands instantly went to work on his muscles, her ass resting on his lower back. She cleared her throat when she realised she was done and quickly stood, walking over to Milo to clear her head. As he laid on his stomach, all John could think about was where Clara had previously had her hands, scratching over his shoulders, down his back, her heels digging into his ass… John cleared his throat when he felt her shift and move away from him after she had finished applying the sunscreen and it took him a few moments to compose himself, knowing full well he had a hard on.

Milo grinned and threw a beach ball towards his mother, ‘Hit it, mummy!’

Clara hit it back towards her son, smiling as Milo caught it, ‘Come on, I have a better idea…’ she trailed off, taking hold of his hand and walking him towards the sea. She sat him in between her legs, letting the waves hit their feet.

Milo giggled and crawled up onto his mother’s lap each time the water hit his feet, ‘Water, mummy, water! It’s cold,’ he complained, turning to see John plump down next to them with their son’s arm bands.

John grinned at him, ‘Want to go for a swim, mate?’

Milo’s eyes widened as he gazed between John and the great big ocean, ‘What if I drown?’ he asked, pouting.

Clara turned his chin upwards to look at her, ‘You won’t drown, baby… Daddy will always be there with you,’ she told him, smiling as she took his hand whilst John took the other and began to head into the water. 

Clara gave John some space, whilst she watched from afar.

John grinned and held his little boy in his arms, carefully lowering him into the water, ‘Look, mate, you’re floating,’ he laughed, watching as Milo panicked for a millisecond before he kicked out his legs and realised the arm bands were helping him stay above the water.

‘Do you think you could kick your legs and swim to daddy?’ John asked him, moving backwards as he stood up and out of the water, knowing it wasn’t too deep for their two year old and if he was to run out of energy, he would only be under the water for a few seconds before he’d be able to stand up properly. 

Milo breathed heavily, nodding his head. He didn’t want to disappoint his father, so he began to kick his legs but overturned and went under. He was gasping and crying when John pulled him out, his little heart beating as he looked into his father’s eyes that matched his own.

‘I’m sorry, daddy… Please don’t leave mummy and me again,’ he said, registering in his head that John was angry, rather than concerned. 

John shook his head and frowned at his little boy, ‘Milo, no, mate, don’t be silly…’ he murmured, kissing into his hair as he stepped out of the water and onto the beach, ‘Daddy didn’t leave you, mummy took you away but she did it for a good reason. Please, don’t think I wanted you gone, Milo.’

Milo pouted at him, his blue eyes inflated.

‘You’re my boy.’

The little boy wiped his nose, looking at his dad, ‘Can we try again, daddy?’ he asked him, pointing towards the shoreline.

Clara was back under her umbrella, not so panicked now that John had comforted their son, something that she couldn’t always do. 

John stood in the water again, a few steps away from Milo as they took it step by step, ‘Go on, boy, kick those legs!’ he exclaimed, cheering his son on as Milo kicked his legs out.  
‘Don’t worry if you slip under, daddy is here to pick you back up!’

Milo nodded and soon, he was swimming towards his dad. Clara watched from a far, her heart filling with adoration as she watched them both, ‘That’s it baby, you’re doing so well!’ she called out to their son.

John grinned, catching Milo each time he swam towards him, ‘Good boy!’ he exclaimed and after about four tries, John took off his arm bands and hovered him over the water, looking his son in the eye.

‘Now, remember what I’ve taught you? Kick your legs out or you’ll go under, okay?’

Milo nodded, panicking when he felt John’s hands leave him but he instantly began kicking rapidly, until he took a deep breath and started to swim, ‘Look dad, I’m doing it! I’m swimming!’ he told him, swimming circles around his father.

John grinned and clapped his hands, standing up straight as his son swam circles around him, ‘Well done, mate!’ he exclaimed, over joyed that he had taught his son how to swim and it hadn’t taken very long either. 

This was what he had missed out on when Matt was a boy, but now he had a second chance. He just hoped nothing would happen that could ruin their happiness together.

Clara watched as Milo ran towards her, a wide smile across his face as he jumped into her lap, ‘Mummy, mummy! I swam, daddy taught me how to swim,’ he told her, overly excited and bouncing in her lap.

Clara only nodded, taking her shades off to give Milo a kiss, turning her head to give John a knowing look. She wasn’t expecting him to get on this well.

John smiled at her, sending her a wink as he grabbed a towel and dried off, ‘Fancy making a sandcastle whilst mummy sunbathes, Milo?’ he grinned, scooping his son off of the ground as they chose a spot and started to build a sandcastle, John going a little overboard with creativity. 

From a far, Matt was watching them, angry that his father had taken his mother from him over thirty years ago and now he had taken the only girl he had loved and had a child with her. He turned on his heel, walking away from the scene as he thought of ways to destroy John’s life. Clara walked right over to them, her hand on John’s shoulder as she sank and soon began to help them build the sandcastle. Once they had snapped a few pictures of their huge sandcastle, Clara swore to print out the pictures and put them in a frame to show off to their family members, the ones that still wanted something to do with them, that was. The afternoon flew by and Milo was fast asleep in his car chair a few hours later.

‘Thank you,’ said Clara, reaching out to touch John’s thigh, ‘He really enjoyed today.’

John nodded, a smile on his face, ‘So did I, honestly,’ he smiled and turned his head to look at her, ‘I feel like a real dad,’ he murmured, his blue eyes dropping to her hand on his thigh, ‘Thank you for giving me a second chance.’

Clara gave his thigh a squeeze, ‘Of course…’ she muttered, wanting nothing more than to lean towards him and kiss him, but she knew better, knew they had to take things slower this time.

John nodded and parked the car inside his driveway. He took off his seat belt and climbed from the car, bending in the back to pick up his son from his car seat, ‘Come on, my little man…’

Clara watched him leave and walk inside, climbing from the car in search of Milo’s owl as she felt a shiver down her spine and felt a cold hand against her heated skin, ‘Matt?’ she muttered, alarmed when she realised who it was, ‘What are you - ’ before she could say anything, he cut her off.

Matt stared at her, his face white and his hand cold, ‘Don’t trust him Clara,’ he told her sternly, giving her a sympathetic look, ‘He isn’t the man you think he is, okay? He’ faking it, he’s still the bastard he was when I was a kid and I don’t want to hurt you and Milo in the crossfire.’

Clara frowned at him, ‘Hurt us? Matt, I’m sorry for what I did, for what I put you through, but John has changed.’ She told him, noticing how his grip tightened on her, ‘Matt, please, if you’re worried that we are – we aren’t, we haven’t – we are purely together for Milo.’

He shook his head, gritting his teeth, ‘I know that, I saw you at the beach,’ Matt simply told her, the pain clear in his emerald eyes, ‘He was trying too hard to be a father when he already had a son he didn’t love and now this is just more proof that he didn’t love me.’

Clara’s heart broke, ‘Matt, he does love you, even if he didn’t know how to express that love back then, I know he loved you… We all do,’ she said, cupping his face, her thumb brushing his lip, ‘Please, Matt…’

Matt stared at her for a moment, all of their memories from when they were teenagers flooded through his mind, ‘You’re not her anymore…’ he whispered, stepping away from Clara.

‘You’re not my Impossible Girl.’

Clara sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose, ‘Of course I’m not, Matt we…’ she inhaled sharply, gazing into his emotive emerald eyes, ‘We were fucked up kids, we were damaged goods… It’s why we fit so well together, but it’s time to grow up. I’m a mother now to a wonderful boy and you…’ she took a minute to just stare at him.

‘You’re married to Rose. I don’t know where this thing with John is heading, but I love him, in some twisted fate I fell in love with him.’ She said, exasperated, trying to make Matt understand that he had to just leave them alone.

Matt swallowed roughly and stared at her, shaking his head, ‘It’s not fair,’ he simply told her, stepping closer to her, ‘You were supposed to end up with me, Clara. When we were kids, you always told me if you were to be with anybody, it would be me. So why did you cheat on me? With my father of all people?! And what does he have that I don’t, hm?’

Clara took a step away from him, she knew how Matt got when he was upset, knew his bad temper, ‘Matt, we…’ she sighed, staring into his rage infused eyes. They seemed to almost grow with anger.

‘We were kids, we were damaged…’ she tried to reason with him, she couldn’t tell him the truth on why she kept the affair going, but figured he was owed the truth after all her lies, ‘You hadn’t touched me in months… I was starting to think you didn’t want me, and I didn’t know he was your father until you introduced us,’ 

Matt scoffed and shook his head, glaring at her as it only seemed to make him worse, ‘And still you fucked him?!’ he yelled, a growl in his throat as he grabbed hold of her wrist to stop her from getting away, ‘After you knew he was my father, you kept fucking him? Why?!’

Clara winced, trying to pull away from him, her heart hammering in her chest as she noticed his nostrils flaring, she could easily see rage written across his face. She pulled away, in hopes of getting away from him, but she wasn’t strong enough.

‘You know why… Because he made me feel alive again, because we seemed to fit so perfectly together,’ she said, strangled whilst trying to slap him, only for Matt to capture her other hand.

‘Please, Matt, we’re over, just let me - ’ 

But it was too late, he had already slammed a heavy rock right into the side of her head, silencing her.


	15. Now you know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clara goes missing...

Clara awoke to a low hum, a white noise.

She was moving she could feel that much, but what truly woke her was the dull pain at the side of her head, blood stained down the side of her face.

She looked down, her brown eyes inflated.

Why were her hands tied?

‘What?’ she muttered to herself, fully opening her eyes. 

She was in a car.

It was night.

The only light from ahead was a town straight ahead of her.

Where was she? How did she get here?

It was then she turned her head to see the driver; it was Matt.

‘No… what? Why? You can’t,’ she said desperately, struggling with the ties at her wrist, ‘Do you really think taking me away from him will work? Do you really think he is daft enough to think I’ve ran away with you without Milo?! He knows I would never leave him.’

Matt shook his head, ‘I’m not taking you away for him to come after you, Clara…’ he trailed off, making sure her hands were tied before he started up the car again.

‘I’m going to kill us both… Because we belong together, don’t you see? We belong together, it’s you and me forever, Clara! No one else, there never was anybody else!’

Clara’s heart sank. Her mind instantly went to Milo.

What would happen to her baby boy?

‘You can’t!’ she shouted, trying to wriggle out of the restraints but they wouldn’t budge. 

A sleepy Milo stretched in his father’s arms as he laid him on his bed, ‘Daddy, where’s mummy? I want mummy to read me a story too,’ he smiled lazily, looking at John. He had so much fun at the beach today, and he didn’t really want it to end.

John frowned a little. He wasn’t quite sure where Clara was, he thought she had taken a trip to the shop but she had been for hours and she wasn’t answering her phone. Was she okay? Did she need his help? Why wasn’t she answering?

He inhaled sharply, ‘Daddy will have to read you a story tonight, I’m sure mummy will be back tomorrow to give you lots of cuddles,’

Milo frowned, but relented nevertheless.

‘Don’t be stupid, Matt! He’ll know something’s up once he sees the car and the car keys still in the ignition, you stupid prick!’ she screamed, pulling on her restraints hard enough to make her skin crack under the ties.

He didn’t listen.

After a few hours of driving, Clara groaned and turned her head to look at him, ‘I need to pee… Can we at least stop at a petrol station?’ she said, nodding to his almost empty gas tank.

Matt shook his head, holding onto the wheel as tightly as possible as he drove towards a lake, ‘No point, we’re going to die anyway,’ he laughed, almost unhinged and deranged.  
He didn’t want to let Clara be with anybody else but him, he wanted her to himself and if he couldn’t have her, nobody could. 

Clara’s eyes widened when Matt sped the car up and it flew straight over and into the lake. It took seconds for the car to sink, and seconds for them both to drown. Her hands started to shake, the car slowly filling with cold, dark water after the windows had smashed at the force. She could feel the water around her as if a huge snake had wrapped itself around her body and squeezed until she couldn’t breathe, the mud, it was the mud. The mud was constricting her from breathing.

‘Matt, we can’t…’ she tried to speak, but the water rose right over her head and filled the car. 

To her dismay, Matt was already unresponsive and unconscious. She began to look for something to free her hands, something to cut the ropes. She found a Swiss knife Matt always kept in his car to open letters and managed to cut the ropes, only she accidentally grazed her skin and saw her blood float in front of her eyes. Clara managed to get her hands free and pushed herself out of the window. Her teeth clattered, her body shaking uncontrollably when she found herself standing at the shore. Clara turned to see the car slowly disappearing. Could she let him die? Should she go back? 

Clara dove back into the murky water without a second thought, kicking her legs against the harsh mud. After a while, she found the car, placed her feet against each side of the car and yanked Matt out by his shoulders. She was certain she had either dislocated or broken his shoulder, but she didn’t much care after what he had just tried to do to her. Her lips were instantly on his, giving him mouth to mouth. No matter what he’d just tried to do to her, Clara wasn’t a murderer, she couldn’t let him die.

Matt coughed and spluttered, panting heavily as he stared at her, his hands grabbing at her body, ‘C – Clara…’ he muttered, his emerald eyes riddled with fear.

What had he done? Had he slipped into some sort of psychosis? Why did he feel so out of control?

Clara straddled him, her heart racing as she cupped his cheeks, ‘I’m right here, Chin Boy… I’m right here,’ she said, her voice soft as she called out to a nearby car.

She needed to get home, back to John and Milo, but first she needed to make sure Matt was okay. She felt dizzy, something warm running down her forehead. Had she cut herself? Eventually, a car stopped by them and a man climbed out, a frown on his face.

‘Miss? Are you okay? Shall I call you an ambulance? Maybe the cops?’ he eyed Matt a little suspiciously, what had happened?

Clara was a little bit disorientated. It was a struggle to just focus on the man’s face, ‘Yes… Please, to both,’ she gasped, before the world began to spin around her. Clara fell straight on top of Matt, her eyes rolling to the back of her head as she passed out, all she could hear was the sirens of ambulances and police cars.

John was sat right by her as she woke up and he immediately reached for her hand, squeezing it tight, ‘Hey, you’re awake darling… I hope you don’t mind but I told the nurse at reception I was your husband… She wouldn’t let me in so if I get taken away, she’s probably realised I’m not actually married to you. Yet.’

Adrenaline was still coursing through her veins as John reached for her. The act alone made her jump with fright, she didn’t pay attention to what he was telling her, her eyes just staring at his face. 

That face had become her safety net, her reassurance. She smiled until she realised what he had said, ‘Yet? As in?’ she asked, almost in shock. ‘John does that mean… Where’s Milo?’ she cut herself off, suddenly panicking. 

What if Matt had gotten to him?

John let go of her hand and stood up, ‘Hold on,’ he told her with a small smile and opened the doors, calling the police woman in with burns up her arms.

John took Milo from her and balanced the sleeping two year old on his hip, ‘He’s just fine,’ murmured John, nodding to Vastra who gave Clara a small smile.

She did become a cop after all.

Clara smiled when she saw the familiar face, an old friend, ‘Vastra…’ she said, sitting herself up. She was glad to see her friend, but her eyes went straight to the sleeping toddler in John’s arms.

Clara outstretched her arms, until John placed the sleeping boy in them, ‘Mummy missed you so much…’ she whispered, brushing away the wild curls from his face; he truly did look like John.

Milo slowly awoke in his mother’s arms and almost squealed when he saw her, a wide grin on his face, ‘Mummy!’ exclaimed Milo, his tiny arms winding around her neck.  
Clara grew a bit teary eyed, as she thought to a few minutes ago. She inhaled sharply, raising her head to stare at Vastra, ‘How’s Matt, will he be okay?’ she asked, concern still evident in her voice.

Vastra frowned, ‘Matt?’ she questioned her, glancing towards John who seemed to be concerned for Clara, ‘Matt wasn’t there… It was just you, we assumed you fell asleep at the wheel and when you woke up, you managed to get yourself out.’

Clara swallowed, holding onto Milo as she took hold of John’s hand, ‘N – No… Matt was driving. He wanted to kill us both, oh god,’ she said, the realisation of what had happened settled in – why had she saved him? 

Would Matt try again? Would he harm her son?

John frowned, looking away from the detective and to Clara, squeezing her hand. Matt was capable of this, he believed her no matter what, ‘Please leave us, Detective,’ muttered John, taking a sleepy Milo into his arms as he promptly fell asleep. 

John stared at her, his voice low, ‘Clara… There’s something I need to tell you and you’ve got to swear not to tell anybody.’

Clara frowned and tilted her head, but after a while she nodded, ‘John, you’re scaring me… What’s the matter? What’s going on?’

John swallowed roughly and covered Milo’s ears just in case he woke up and heard them. He looked around to make sure there were no cameras before he looked Clara in the eye, ‘When you and Matthew were kids… Did you notice anything, funny about him?’

Clara shook her head, ‘We were both equally in need of help, I didn’t recognize the significance back then…’ she admitted, remembering back to when she and Matt were together as teenagers. 

She sighed and nodded her head, ‘He resented you, said you killed his mother, he wanted you dead, John. In graphic ways, too.’

He nodded, carefully moving his son to lay on his lap, covering him in his coat, ‘I know, I know…’ murmured John, his heart skipping a beat as he prepared himself for what he was about to tell her.

‘I didn’t kill his mother… He left out his part of the story. When myself and River were out on call, we brought our son with us… And all three of us went to help that little girl because Matt wanted to train to be a Doctor, like us. He – he had a huge argument with his mother whilst we were up on that cliff and fuck, Clara, I’ve never seen him so angry…’ he whispered, dropping his face into his hand, his shoulders shaking with both rage and fear.

Clara’s jaw went slack. 

She quickly walked over to hi, wincing all the while. Clara sat next to him, her arms around him as she began to realise what he meant, ‘He chose to blame you, because he couldn’t deal with the truth… Couldn’t deal with the fact that he pushed her over. That he…’ Clara cleared her throat, her eyes filling with tears.

‘Oh god, he killed his mother,’ she whimpered, lifting John’s chin to look at her, ‘He thinks you hate him… That you don’t love him, but it’s quite the opposite, isn’t it, John? You love him, that’s why you let him believe all these years it was you that pushed River and not him.’

John nodded, swallowing hard as he stared down at Milo in his arms, ‘He kept having episodes… a sort of psychosis after it all happened and he started to believe that he - ’ he took a deep breath and cried on her shoulders, the tears running down his cheeks.

‘He really believes it was me who pushed River, he convinced himself the argument never happened and I know it’s fucked up Clara, but I don’t think Matt would have survived if he knew he killed his own mother.’

Clara nodded in agreement. If Matt remembered, it would definitely push him over the edge. Clara swallowed hard and reached out to touch his hand, ‘I believe you John… We need to help him,’ she said, her voice full of concern.

‘I know he hurt me, in more ways than you know, but I still care about him… He was drowning, I could have easily left him to die, but…’ her voice shook, unable to look at him.  
‘I couldn’t – he was my friend, I loved him for so long…’

He nodded and lifted her hand to kiss it, ‘I understand, don’t worry. We just need to be careful, we don’t know what his next move is going to be,’ John sighed, looking down to their little boy, his fingers running through his curls.

‘And we need to keep this little one safe… He’s my second chance at being a good father and doing the right thing.’


	16. Older brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John, Clara and Milo face something more disturbing...

After a few days, Clara was released from hospital.

She was still on edge, her nerves all over the place when they arrived home.

Milo still oblivious as to why his parents were so anxious and suddenly over protective, all of the time.

John held onto their little boy, bouncing Milo on his hip, ‘Do you want to go and play in the garden, mate?’ he asked, nodding towards the garden where a small football sat.  
Milo pouted and shook his head, glancing to his mother, ‘I want to play outside with my friends, why can’t I? I don’t understand…’

Clara looked between John and Milo, her heart breaking for her baby boy, but she knew she needed to keep him safe, ‘Sweetie, remember I told you how some people aren’t very nice? Well, let’s just say…’ she stopped and shook her head. 

He was a child, he shouldn’t know that his deranged older brother was attempting to kill them all.

John sighed and looked between Clara and Milo, ‘Right, my boy, we’re going out the front to play football with your fingers,’ he smiled and carried him outside with the football.   
They spent an hour kicking the football about and finally John let himself relax, Matt was gone, he wouldn’t be able to get to them. But, unknown to them, Matt sat injured in his flat, pictures of them stuck over his wall as he planned on how to destroy John’s life. First, he’d go for his son, and then Clara, and then leave John to suffer.

Clara walked out with two cold beers in her hands, ‘I think we deserve one,’ she said, sitting in John’s lap. Her eyes fell onto Milo and his friends kicking the football about, ‘He likes it here, likes you,’

She turned to face John, her face inches from his, ‘You were his birthday wish,’ sighed Clara, clattering their beers together as they both cracked them open and took a few sips.  
She tried to ignore how nice it felt to be able to sit in his lap again, even if they weren’t together sexually anymore. 

John laughed, ‘I’m his father, I hope he does like me,’ he muttered, taking the beer from Clara’s hand, trying to ignore the jump his cock suddenly did as she sat in his lap.  
This wasn’t about sex anymore, this was about the two of them becoming a couple, ‘Really? Wow, I’m glad he wished for me… And I’m really sorry that I pushed you away in the way that I did, Clara…’

Clara laid her head against his shoulder, a sigh escaping her lips as she turned to meet his gaze, ‘It’s okay… We were both trying to protect Matt, even if he hurt us both in the past,’ she muttered, her hand mindlessly playing with the hairs on his chest.

What was she doing? She wanted to be near him, but for the right reasons. She had to admit, it felt nice to just be in his arms and let him hold her.

‘Milo, play nice!’ she warned, watching him closely as their two year old shoved another little boy over to tackle him for the football.

Milo pouted at his mother and then he seemed to suddenly freeze, spotting a car coming right for them. It swerved around both of his parents and hit the little boy in an instant, and everything went black, his leg snapping back so badly John had almost violently thrown up at the sight. He raced towards his boy, screaming for somebody to call an ambulance and as he looked over to the car crashed into a wall, he saw Matt, his head resting back against the driver seat; blood staining the side of his face. Even if he was his son, in his moment, he really wished he was.

Clara’s heart froze as she heard all the little children scream, and run to their parents. Clara quickly dialled an ambulance before running to John’s side, ‘Oh god, Milo!’ she cried, trying to pick him up into her arms, but John stopped her and switched into Doctor mode.

Clara walked right over to the car, dragged Matt out by his shoulders and climbed over the top of him, punching him again and again until she heard his nose break. 

John’s hands shook as the blood from their baby boy spilled over his hand, ‘Oh god…’ he choked, whimpering as he looked over his shoulder, ‘Clara! Clara! Stop, is he dead?! Is Matt dead?!’ he screamed, blood dripping from his hands as he tried to stop the bleeding on Milo’s leg.

Once the ambulance arrived, their son was taken away and as was Matt, pronounced dead by the paramedics. The police soon arrived to ask Clara questions and so did a camera crew to report the incident to the news. Milo wasn’t the only child injured, so were four other children. They had broken legs and arms, cuts on their foreheads, one of them had died and Matt had been reported dead, the news team were airing it live before Rose could have been told; her husband was dead and she had no clue.

Clara’s hands shook as they rode to the hospital, reaching out her hand towards Milo, ‘Please, baby… Just wake up, open your eyes for mummy,’ she whimpered, her voice strangled and laced with raw unearthed emotion as her eyes landed on John. 

She was lost and she needed him, needed his comfort, but how could he comfort her when his eldest son was dead? And Milo could very well be next. After Milo was taken into surgery, half way through a Doctor raced outside and explained to Clara that they might have to amputate Milo’s leg because of infection, but it was her choice whether or not to amputate. 

Clara turned to John, tears in her brown eyes. Milo was John’s son too, he had a choice, he knew more about medicine that she did, ‘John? What do we do… we can’t amputate it,’  
John swallowed and stepped towards the Doctor, ‘If there’s an infection that you know for certain will spread through his body, you need to amputate it. He’s a strong boy and we’ll teach him to walk with a new leg.’

Clara simply stood in shock, she felt as if the Gods themselves were punishing her for falling in love with John. She couldn’t take the possibility of her baby boy growing up without his leg. She shuddered, feeling someone grasp at her shoulder, her nerves still on edge.

Vastra stood behind her, dressed formally and hiding the scars on her arms, ‘Miss Oswald…’ she cleared her throat and looked the other woman in the eye, ‘We need you to confirm it’s Matt that was driving the car, his face has been… Almost destroyed by the impact.’

Clara inhaled sharply and nodded, her heart sinking. Her feet felt like lead with each step she took and she thought she was about to throw up at the sight of him. He was so unrecognisable, that for a moment, she wasn’t so sure it was him.

Her hand reached out to touch his hand, his wedding ring on his finger, ‘Yes… I think it’s Matt,’ she murmured, her voice filled with raw emotion even if she did hate his guts.  
Vastra cleared her throat, standing beside Clara, ‘You think?’ she questioned her, a little irritated by Clara’s uncertainty, ‘Is it him or not?’

Clara just glared her down, ‘What’s your problem?! The Doctor just told me my son might need his leg amputated, my ex not only ran him down, but also four children to which one of them died and you’re bloody asking me to identify his body…’

She took a deep breath, her hands shaking, ‘It looks like him, but I can’t say for sure, do a bloody DNA test,’ snapped Clara, storming out of the room as she finally let herself break.

As soon as Clara stormed from the room and John spotted her, he ran straight over to her and just held her, his voice in her ear, ‘Clara, come down, you need to calm down otherwise you’ll have a panic attack… Please calm down sweetheart,’ he inhaled sharply and kissed into her hair, feeling his Clara shake beneath him.

‘I love you, okay? I love you, Clara… I’m in love with you, I have been since day one.’

Clara couldn’t stop how panicked she felt, her heart bursting as John wrapped his arms around her. She felt as if she couldn’t breathe, couldn’t focus her eyes on anything else but him. She didn’t hear him at first, but slowly the words sank in.

‘You… Love me?’

John nodded, smiling down at her. He loved her, he always had, he was just ashamed of himself that it took him this long to tell her. 

He lent in to kiss her forehead, a little smile on his face, ‘I do… And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I love you, Clara Oswald.’

It wasn’t the time, nor the place for such a confession but nevertheless she smiled like an idiot, ‘I thought I’d never get to hear those words from you…’ she whispered, against his lips. 

Her eyes filled with raw emotion as she pressed her lips softly against his, ‘I love you, John Smith…’

John waggled his eyebrows at her, ‘Maybe you’ll be Mrs Smith,’ he grinned playfully and looked her up and down, his heart racing as he covered her face in kisses, ‘Milo is having his leg amputated before infection spreads to his brain… It’s the right choice and I don’t want you to panic. Okay?’

Clara blissful moment feigned from her grasp as reality sank in, ‘Does he really? Isn’t there anything you can do for our son, John?’ she pleaded, but ultimately nodded. She held onto his hand, the two of them walking away to Milo’s room, away from the morgue and Matt, away from their past.


	17. New start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [The last two chapters will be updated now]

Six months had passed since the accident, and Milo seemed to be staying positive about the fact he no longer had a leg.

John stood behind him as he told his son to hold onto each bannister, encouraging him to walk with the new leg he had made from him, a bionic one that was expensive to make; but John would do anything for his son. Milo’s arms shook, he’d grown accustomed to his leg, walking alone with it. He caught his father’s gaze and gave him a small smirk as he walked. His strides were slow at first, but soon he was walking properly. He fell straight into his father’s arms, a wide smile on his face.

‘I did it, daddy! I walked!’

John grinned, beaming at him as he caught his little boy, ‘Yes you did, mate!’ he exclaimed, standing up with his little boy in his arms.

‘You’re so clever! Just like when daddy taught you to swim, right? No pain?’ he asked, pointing to his non-existent leg. The Doctors told him Milo would experience phantom pain in his leg, even if it wasn’t there anymore.

Milo nodded, but clarified its diminutive discomfort. 

Clara was just outside the therapy room, her head leant on the threshold, leaning against it as she gazed at her two lovely boys. It had been six months since Matt had died, since their nightmare was over, and yet she still couldn’t shake the ominous feeling something was looming overhead. She smiled, as she watched John. They hadn’t been intimate and yet it didn’t seem to diminish their happy home. For once, Clara felt happy, genuinely happy. 

John carried Milo towards her, a small smirk on his face, ‘He’s got a bit of phantom pain, but daddy’s got it,’ he smiled and bent to kiss his girlfriend, picking up a pen to stab his bionic leg with.

‘Don’t worry boy, this doesn’t hurt. It’s just registering with your brain that your leg isn’t really there.’

Clara smiled at him, the feel of his lips brushing hers fuelling arousal. She cleared her throat, nodding to Milo to see if he was okay, when he gave her a toothy grin, she seemed to relax, ‘Um, I’ve got you something…’ she sighed, awkwardly pulling out a box with a rather expensive pocket watch.

It marked their anniversary when they had met, but she doubted he’d remembered. 

John simply stared at her, placing Milo down on a chair so he could take off his bionic leg, ‘Clara…’ he whispered, leaning down to inspect the pocket watch, ‘Wow, it’s beautiful…’ sighed John, immediately clipping the watch around his wrist.

‘It’s a good job you got me something, because your present is waiting at home.’

Clara tousled Milo’s hair and instantly giggled when he glared at her, ‘Oh, stop it you, you’re not too old for mummy’s kisses,’ she mused, her eyebrow arched when she registered John’s words.

‘A present… For me? I wonder what it could be,’ she answered a little sarcastically, giving him a knowing look. 

Later on, when John had set Milo down into bed for him to sleep; he made sure he had taken his medication for his phantom pain and went straight downstairs to Clara. He took hold of her hand and covered her eyes, leading her to their bedroom.

‘Please don’t say you don’t deserve it, because you do… Okay?’ he murmured, removing his hand to show Clara a bed full of rose petals shaped in a heart, revealing underwear and condoms, as a joke.

Clara’s eyes widened with glee as they gazed over the bed. Wait, was that? She instantly turned to glare at John, less than amused. She tried to hold it for as long as she could, but soon burst into a fit of giggles.

‘Oh, how romantic,’ she teased, wrapping her arms around him, a soft kiss on his lips.

John grinned and bent to kiss her, meeting her before she could reach up to him, ‘I am very romantic,’ he mused, holding her tight in his arms, ‘We don’t have to use the condoms, if you don’t want to…’

‘Are you though? Because, all I see as my present is this,’ she whispered, her voice husky and filled with want as her hand trailed down his body to cup him, ‘… Is this little fellow,’   
He felt hard, and warm to the touch. Her heart raced with anticipation, the thought alone sending a shiver down her spine, ‘I want you…’ she said, almost innocently. 

He arched his eyebrow and repeated her words as if it were a question, ‘Little fellow?’ John snorted, knowing he was far from little. 

He nodded, inhaling sharply as he stood back and started to unbutton his shirt, not daring to break eye contact with her.

Clara swallowed hard, moving to sit on the edge of their bed, red silky rose petals under her palms as she stared at him. She pressed her thighs together, biting her lower lip. John was far older than her, and yet his chest was incredibly toned. His lean muscles shone through with every movement he made. She had to bite her lip when he took off his trousers, the tenting quite obvious. John kept his eyes on hers, the blue colour of them darkening as he unbuckled his belt and dropped his trousers. Once he was out of his clothes, he nodded to her.

‘Do you want to take your clothes off, Clara?’ he muttered, his voice deep and Scottish accent clear.

Clara swallowed hard, her voice suddenly gone as she simply nodded. She lingered her gaze over his form, watching how he strode towards her. She laid back and helped him shed her clothes, her hands shaking the whole time.

He bent to hover his lips over hers, his chest on hers as he felt her breasts against him, ‘Are you okay?’ whispered John, his blue eyes soft and full of care and admiration for his tiny girlfriend.

Clara swallowed roughly and nodded, a soft smile crossing her lips as she placed her palms flat against his chest when their clothes were gone. 

John reached his hand down in between Clara’s legs, his fingers tracing her folds as he felt her legs part, ‘You’re so beautiful…’ he whispered, watching as her jaw dropped.  
Clara whimpered, feeling his slender fingers trace her body. She was already wet with desire for him, she wanted to say something, anything, but she hadn’t experienced anything like this before. They had usually just fucked, but now it seemed different. 

His gaze, his touch seemed different, ‘John…’ she moaned, the lust clear in her eyes.

He smiled down at her, his gaze dropping so slowly from her hazel eyes to her lips, that anybody watching them could see just how in love they were, ‘Clara…’ John sighed, biting his bottom lip, ‘I’m sorry if I don’t last long… It’s different now that I – I love you…’

Clara simply nodded, reaching out to push the hair away from his face, ‘It’s okay, I’m enjoying this, enjoying us…’ she whispered huskily, whimpering at his teasing, bucking her hips forward.

John dropped his hand down between them once more and grabbed hold of himself and within seconds, the tip of his cock breached her, his lips on hers as they continued to make eye contact, ‘Tell me if I hurt you. We aren’t fucked, we’re making love… Okay?’

A tear ran down her cheek as she locked her gaze with his, ‘I trust you John, I love you, always have, always will,’ she hummed into her ear, delving slowly into her.   
It had been years, she’d forgotten how big and thick he was. 

‘Stings, a little…’ Clara gasped, whilst they took a moment for her to adjust.

He nodded, stopping his hips of all movements, his hand holding onto hers as he squeezed it tight. Once she was ready again, he moved his hips just slightly so he could slip further inside of her, whispering into her ear.

‘You’re okay, you know the pain will go and the pleasure will kick in…’

She nodded, wrapping her arms around him. She let herself explore him, explore his body as if it were for the first time, ‘Feels good,’ Clara purred, arching her back off of the mattress.

John smiled and nodded, his hand cupping Clara’s cheek, their lips brushing together in a kiss only meant for covering up their loud groans and moans, ‘There’s the pleasure,’ whispered John with a wink, playful as always as he dropped his face into her neck, arm wrapping around the back of it as he suddenly slammed inside of her, each thrust harder, but he refused to pick up speed.

Clara couldn’t help but giggle, he could be such a sweet dork at times, ‘It was always a pleasure with you...’ she hummed against his ear, digging her nails softly into his back. It was the truth, Clara always felt forced with Matt, kept being with him out of sympathy. 

But with John, it was as if the stars themselves aligned when their bodies joined. Clara let out a soft moan, she was close, but she wanted to last a little longer for him. John panted heavily by her ear, growling under his breath as he picked up his pace and rolled his hips at a different angle, lips on her throat.

‘Are you close, Clara?’ murmured John, pinning her hand down as he squeezed it to comfort her.

Clara couldn’t respond, except for a subtle nod as her eyes rolled to the back of her head, arching her back off of the mattress. Her hands gripped onto his for dear life, letting out a shout when she came hard. 

A few thrusts later, he came hard inside of her, panting by her ear, ‘Fuck, that was good,’ John murmured, even though both of them had only lasted around five minutes before they came together.

John slipped from his girlfriend and rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling, ‘Give me a few minutes and I can go again…’

Clara smiled, giggling in agreement, ‘We’re not as young as we used to be,’ she mused, settling her head against his chest.

His heartbeat vibrated through her ear, ‘I love you, John…’

He snorted at her comment beforehand, ‘Well, I’m not that young anymore,’ he laughed and nudged her with his elbow, ‘I’ve got nothing on you, you still look twenty,’ John mused and wrapped his arm around Clara’s shoulders.

‘I love you too, Clara Oswald…’


	18. Like rowdy teenagers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Last chapter will be up next]

A week later, Clara stood in front of her full length mirror, nervous as she looked at herself. 

John had decided to try ‘dating’ and it was a silly thought, given how things were, but nevertheless she’d agreed.

Tonight would be their first official date as a couple.

She was lucky Jack had agreed to take Milo for the night.

She sighed as she finished her eyeliner in the mirror, her nerves getting the best of her as she went downstairs to meet John, her brown eyes locking onto his once she spotted him by the front door.

‘Ready?’ she asked him, taking in the sight of the man before her.

He’d grown out a full beard, and looked gorgeous in the red velvet suit he was wearing, it fit him perfectly. 

John nodded, raising his head at the sound of her voice, almost tripping over at the sight of her, ‘Oh… my… god…’ he breathed between every word and cleared his throat, a smug smile on his face.

‘You look so beautiful, I almost want to take off your clothes and keep you here, instead of taking you out.’

Clara gave him a knowing look before slapping his chest, ‘I could say the same to you… You look dashing,’ she sighed, stroking his arm before she caught his gaze, ‘But I’m not missing this date,’

He smirked and nodded, looping his arm through hers, ‘Neither am I,’ John murmured, a little worried about leaving their little boy with Jack, even though he was his uncle and very trustworthy. 

Once they arrived, John pulled out Clara’s chair for her and giggled to himself, ‘I haven’t done that in a while,’

Clara laughed, ‘I haven’t had that done before… Period,’ she told him, before she could stop herself.

Once she sat down, she noticed John shuffle something in his jacket. She eyed him curiously, a smirk on her lips, ‘Have something up your sleeve?’ she teased, taking a sip of wine from her glass.

John snorted, ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ he muttered, sending her a wink as he sat down and took a sip of his wine.

He had considered marrying her, it was the next step in their relationship, but he wasn’t quite sure with their son still struggling to walk properly and recently, he was having quite a lot of phantom pain and infection was spreading to his waist.

Clara rolled her eyes, ‘Okay,’ she drew out rhetorically, kicking her off her heel and brushing her foot up and along his inner thigh, luckily there was a cloth draped over the table.  
‘What?’ she said innocently, noticing the sinful and dark look he was giving her, ‘You’re thinking again…’ she sighed, frowning at him when he fiddled with his fingers.

‘Milo will be fine, I promise. Doctor Jones said it was perfectly normal to feel the pain even without a leg, but I’m sure he’s going to be okay,’

John seemed to relax at his girlfriend’s touch, his shoulders slumping as he fiddled with his fingers, ‘I just…’ he stopped himself and then raised his head to look Clara in the eye, ‘I just worry about him Clara, he’s my second chance…’ he took a deep breath, tears filling his eyes.

‘And I know how wrong it is, but I just – I miss Matthew, even after what he did, he was still my boy.’

Clara frowned and reached out to cup his face, brushing away the tears with her thumb, ‘I know, I miss him too, there’s not a day that I don’t think of what I could have done differently,’ she sighed, shaking her head at John’s crestfallen face.

‘No, not that… I love you John, I mean I wish I would have forced him into therapy, but every time I tried, he would…’ she grew silent. 

There were still quite a few things Clara hadn’t told John. How Matt had changed so drastically. At first, he was just as passionate and as loving as John, but as the time went on, he seemed to lose interest in her sexually, and began to focus more on his career, than their own relationship. A part of her didn’t really mind, he’d become more docile, more loving, but the few times she’d suggested therapy to him; he’d become violent, a stark contract to her loveable pup. It was the main reason she stopped suggesting it, after he’d almost broken her arm.

‘Maybe we can go to the cemetery later on… If you want,’ suggested Clara, offering a small smile, she knew he was hurting inside.

She couldn’t ever imagine losing Milo, she understood what he might be going through. She’d been selfish not to consider John’s feelings over his dead son, and that thought alone hung over her. Later on, John bent to the gravestone, reading his son’s name across it as it sat right next to his mother’s. There was no message underneath it; only his birth date and death date. 

He inhaled sharply and chewed his bottom lip, turning his head to look at Clara, ‘I know it’s messed up to visit him after what he did to you… After what he did to our son, but he’s still my boy and he always will be. I hope you can understand that,’ he murmured, reaching across to hold onto the gravestone, that was brand new.

Clara nodded, holding onto his hand as she gave it a gentle squeeze, ‘Of course I can, John, I’m not that heartless. He was your son above all… And I know you loved him even if he thought differently,’ she said, wiping at her face.

‘With Milo, it will be different, I promise. Even if you and I don’t work out, he will always be your son, he will always love you, and I’ll make sure that he does,’ she told him, placing a soft kiss on his cheek.

John nodded, a small smile on his face, ‘At this rate, I can’t see us splitting up… We need each other,’ he murmured, sitting himself up as his hand slipped from the gravestone.  
It was as if a huge weight had been lifted from him, he was ready to let go of Matthew and all the pain he had caused for them, at least Matt wasn’t suffering any longer.

Clara laughed gently, ‘No, but I have been thinking about going back into therapy… I want to get better, for Milo and for you,’ she told him, kissing John’s hand.

‘We didn’t leave on a happy note last time, and I want to start off clean this time round…’ she sighed, smiling up at him as they stood.

John nodded and stood with her, his hand almost clutching onto hers, ‘Whatever you decide Clara, I’m with you…’ he told her, a small smile on his face as he walked by her side and towards the car.

‘Maybe it would be a good idea to take Milo into therapy… I don’t think he’s going to deal with not having a leg very well as he gets older, he’ll be angry as to why other children have both legs and he only has one.’

Clara nodded as they stepped into the car. It had been a long night, not necessarily what she’d expect, but glad of the result. She let her head down on his shoulder, her hands grasping his tightly as she nodded off to sleep, with the low hum of the radio lulling her. Once they arrived at Jack’s home, John looked around at the newly painted living room. Himself and Ianto had only just moved in, after Jack realised Clara wasn’t about to leave London again after she had found John. He grinned once he heard Milo shouting for them and watched as the little boy waddled towards his mother, unable to run because of his bionic leg.

Clara instantly wrapped her arms around her little boy, spinning him around, ‘Did you have a good time with your uncles?’ she asked, giving a small smile to Ianto and Jack. Truth was, she knew Jack loved children and wanted some for himself and these nights were meant to serve as training for when the two would actually decide to adopt one.

John smirked at Jack and sent him a wink once Ianto stood at his side, an apron wrapped around his waist, ‘Honestly, you two can have this little shit,’ he mused, turning to tickle Milo’s tummy. 

The little boy squeaked and giggled, burying his face in Clara’s chest. Ianto laughed and threw a towel over his shoulder, clapping his hands together, ‘Right, dinner is just about ready. I know you and John might not want to eat, but little Milo here has been excited about eating my famous food since he got here.’

Clara bopped his nose and watched him giggle. He had John’s laugh, the little high pitched noise just before he finished laughing and Clara adored it on both of her boy’s.   
Clara placed Milo in his chair, kissing his cheek, ‘No food for us, but do you have a bit of wine?’ she smirked, her smirk widening when Jack automatically handed her a glass of white wine. 

The two of them headed over to the couch, wine glasses in hand. They laid there for a few minutes, Clara’s back against her boyfriend’s chest when she could sense he was thinking about Matt.

‘It’s okay to feel guilty… I do too,’

He shook his head, pulling Clara’s body back against his as they watched their son at the table with Jack and Ianto, the two fussing over the little boy. John sighed and placed a kiss into Clara’s hair, ‘There’s no need to feel guilty, he hurt you, he tried to kill you… You have every right to hate him,’ whispered John, smiling when Milo giggled and threw a bit of potato right at Ianto’s face, the food sliding down his cheek.

‘Oh god, they’re never going to adopt.’

Clara scolded him in between giggles, ‘Ah, better for us, so we can get our nights out,’ she said, intertwining her hand with John’s, ‘He does need other children to play with, I think he’s a bit lonely. Maybe later on, we could…’ she trailed off, gesturing between them, hoping he’d get the message.

John didn’t freeze up or let go of her hand, he only squeezed it tighter and whispered into her ear, ‘Is that what you want? The next step in our relationship, another baby?’  
Clara shrugged, ‘Not now, of course. But I do plan on giving him a brother or sister,’ 

It was silly to think they’d pick up like a normal family, but the truth was, they had done everything out of order.

He nodded, a little smile on his face. He could picture a little girl or boy running around with Milo, possibly a little girl they’d call an overly cute name, like Poppy or Katie… John cleared his throat and shuffled underneath her, kissing her neck.

‘Maybe in a year or so, when Milo can walk properly again, we’ll have another baby?’

Clara tried not to moan out loud as she kept an eye on Milo sat at the table, John was making it incredibly hard to concentrate, ‘We can’t… can we?’ she murmured, her own hands threading into his hair before tugging on it to press her lips to his.

John nodded, a smile on his lips, ‘Milo would love a sibling,’ he told her, bending to kiss his girlfriend as he glanced to Jack and Ianto cutting up Milo’s food, ‘If we make it quick, they won’t notice we’re gone.’

Clara glanced back at the three of them, then back to John, ‘The things I let you get me into…’ she berated, standing herself up as she tugged on her boyfriend’s hand.

‘Well, come on then, quick, remember?'


	19. It was just a-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [I'M REALLY SORRY DON'T HATE ME]

The years seemed to fly by.

Milo was now a grown man, he’d be turning twenty next year.

He’d suppressed Clara a few years ago with his height, towering over his mother which him and his father often teased her about. He still had pain with his leg, but he managed it and he couldn’t have asked for more supportive parents or even, more supportive siblings. It had shocked him how strong his parents were, how easily they raised him without his right leg and managed to bring up four other children; he was more than proud to call John and Clara his parents.

‘Mum, Milo’s moping again!’ complained Charlotte, his little sister who had just turned fourteen. She held onto her little sister’s hand, helping the two year old walk across the hallway.

A creaking was heard and his younger brother shot down the hallway, jumping right onto Milo’s back and almost sending the two of them flying, ‘What’s wrong, big bro?!’ the eight year old exclaimed, attempting to cheer him up.

‘Oh, Archie, leave your brother alone… He’s obviously not feeling very well,’ Clara waved him off, watching Archie jump from his back. 

Clara was nearing her fifties, without a single wrinkle in sight.

Milo’s friends had always called her a MILF, which she found rather crude but secretly quite funny. John, of course, didn’t like it or his friends. He didn’t find it at all funny and nearly always grew protective over his girlfriend. They had never married, they never saw the point. They had their home, their dog and their family; they didn’t need a piece of paper to prove they were in love. 

Clara bounced her youngest son on her hip, pushing back the boy’s dark curls, ‘Is this because of your friends that want to have a beach outing? I know you’ve hidden your leg from most people, but I’m sure no one will mind sweetie, and those who do…’ she trailed off, expecting Milo to answer her.

He sighed, his shoulders dropping as he repeated back to his mother what she had always told him, ‘Do not matter,’ 

Clara grinned, ‘Good lad,’ she whispered, turning her head to look at Theo, the youngest of their huge family, ‘Isn’t your brother a good man?’ she cooed, smiling smugly when the little boy giggled and nuzzled into her side; he was definitely a mummy’s boy.

Milo sighed and ruffled his hair, ‘It’s not that, mum…’ he whispered, blue eyes so like his father’s locked onto Clara’s, ‘I… Um, there’s a girl there that I…’

He took a deep breath and avoided eye contact with his mother, knowing just how protective she was as he reached forward and stroked Theo’s cheek with his knuckle, ‘But she doesn’t know about my leg yet.’

Clara frowned, rocking Theo in her arms, ‘Sweetie, you should never hide who you are… If she doesn’t like the fact that you are different, then there isn’t much you can do,’ she muttered, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder.

Milo gulped and dropped his eyes to the ground, suddenly finding it interesting, ‘Mum… I’m not sure I want any kind of relationship, I don’t want to leave you and dad behind. I just – Dad’s getting older now, he’s nearing his seventies and I know that he’ll probably only have ten years left in him…’

Clara frowned, she knew John was far older than her, and yet that was a thought she kept to herself. She didn’t allow herself to think of that, she dreaded it, ‘Honey, you can’t live in fear, it’s not what either of us wants… Both your father and I want you to live and experience life,’ she told him, rocking the sleeping Theo in her arms.

Milo nodded and looked down at his watch, ‘Time’s running out,’ he said quietly clearly but when he looked up, it was as if he hadn’t said a word.

He saw his mother give him a concerned look and frowned at her, ‘Mum? What’s up, are you okay? Have you been taking your anti-depressants?’ he asked her, his hand stroking Clara’s arm.

She had been back on them since therapy after Matt had died.

Clara seemed distant all of a sudden, but nodded her head, ‘I am…’ she told him, looking down at her hand, still bare after all these years.

Clara cleared her throat and stood up, ‘I better check on your father,’ 

Clara placed a sleeping Theo in his cot before she walked down the stairs to find John bouncing Poppy on his lap whilst Charlotte practiced her piano. Archie simply laid on his stomach, a colouring book on the floor as he started to draw.

John raised his head, the wrinkles on his face a lot more noticeable, but he kept his beard to cover it up. He smiled at Clara and bounced their two year old daughter in his lap, grinning when their daughter pulled off his glasses, ‘Is Theo asleep?’

Clara smiled and nodded, taking the empty seat next to him. Everything seemed so perfect, she was finally with him, in their home, with their family. She nuzzled her face along his shoulder, watching her eldest daughter play the piano.

‘Daddy, do you love mummy?’ their eight year old questioned him, pouting quite visibly, ‘My friend said you don’t love her… He said that if you did love mummy, you would have married her.’

Clara cleared her throat and stood up, taking Poppy from John’s lap rather abruptly. She always avoided the topic, thought he would ask soon after Matt’s death, but he never did and she never questioned him on it.

John cleared his throat and lent forward to explain it to his eight year old boy, ‘I never proposed to your mother because we don’t need silly rings and bits of paper to prove we love each other. And I do love your mother, with all my heart… And it’s never really bothered her so I left it.’

Archie pouted and shook his head, ‘You’re wrong, I saw mummy crying about it the other day,’ he informed him before he scurried off.

Clara sat Poppy down in her high chair, cooking dinner for their large family when Milo seemed to appear behind her, ‘Feeling better sweetie? Did you decide what to do?’  
Milo nodded and gave his mother a hug, a smile on his face, ‘I’m going on a date with her and I’m going to show her my leg and if she doesn’t like it, I’m going to change the setting to run and run so far away she won’t even see me leave,’ he snorted, obviously joking as he stepped away from her but whispered into her ear.

‘Clara, wake up!’ he stepped away from her, walking away as if he had said nothing.

Clara simply shook her head, a small dull pain at her temple, ‘I’m sure she won’t mind and if she does, well, she’s a bitch.’ She snorted, until she heard Poppy scream ‘Bitch!’ from the other room.

John immediately covered Poppy’s mouth and gasped, ‘No!’ he shouted, his blue eyes widening as he turned to look at Clara, ‘Don’t swear like that, she’s only two!’

Clara simply rolled her eyes and shrugged, ‘I forgot she was there…’ she laughed and noticed Milo giggling along with her.

Dinner was filled with laughter and joy, as it always did and afterwards, Clara stood in front of her vanity, taking off her make up when she noticed the small fine lines around her eyes, ‘I’m so old, John…’

‘Do you have any regrets?’ Clara asked him, moving to climb under the sheets with him.

John snorted, ‘I mean, I do regret what we did to Matthew… But I don’t regret the outcome because of what we have now.’

Clara nodded, smiling sadly, ‘Right,’ she whispered, taking his hand in hers and giving it a kiss, ‘I’ll always love you, Doctor…’ 

She frowned and shook her head when he gave her a weird look, ‘I mean, I love you, John Smith…’

He smiled and bent to kiss her, his heart hammering in his chest as the older man kissed her hand, ‘And I will always love you, Clara Oswald…’

A tear ran from her cheek, but she quickly wiped it away before he could see it. Her own heart ached, and she couldn’t figure out why, ‘Goodnight, sweetheart…’ she said, settling under the covers. 

The next morning, with a smile on his face, John made his way downstairs, Theo on his hip as he spotted Milo sat on the couch, his bionic leg up on the coffee table as he seemed to be fiddling with the settings, ‘Leg okay, mate?’

Milo smiled at his dad, ‘Just adjusting the settings in case I need to make a quick get away later,’ he said, laughing until he noticed his father’s confused stare, ‘Didn’t mum tell you? I swear you two don’t talk anymore,’ 

He sighed and rolled his eyes, picking up his heavy leg and dropping it on the ground, ‘I asked Paige out but she doesn’t know about my leg,’

John frowned and shook his head, ‘No, I suppose we don’t talk anymore…’ he trailed off, his heart leaping a little bit at the prospect of himself and Clara growing apart.  
John carefully placed the almost one year old in his chair, ‘Paige? You’ve never mentioned a Paige…’

Milo arched his eyebrow, ‘I’m sure I have… She’s the girl with the long wavy hair,’ he smiled, almost in a dream like state until John cleared his throat, ‘Well, mum knows everything about her… I just figured she would have told you,’ he said, standing up to bop Theo’s nose.

‘You take care of dad whilst I’m at school, okay?’ he mused, standing up straight, pointing at his father as he wobbled on his bionic leg, ‘And you… Go and talk to mum!’

John frowned and watched as Theo giggled and tried to catch Milo’s finger that had poked him but missed and carried on shoving his fingers into his food. Where had Clara gone? John shook the funny feeling he had and made his way upstairs, calling for Clara. When in fact, it was Ashildr’s voice he found himself using.

Clara woke in a cold sweat, not able to feel her heart racing any longer. She sighed and sat up rather quickly, nauseous and confused before she realised what had happened. She could feel her hands trembling, the sweat building up on them… She shook with anger and despair all at once. She didn’t dare open her eyes, didn’t dare come to terms with her reality. She felt a hand touching her shoulder and knew it wasn’t him. It was her, the one who had called her name whilst she slept and woke her from her peaceful and happy dream state. Clara wanted to fall back asleep, sleep until it didn’t hurt anymore, until the memory of him didn’t chase her around everywhere she went.

‘I can’t anymore…’ she whimpered, raising her gaze to look her friend in the eye, ‘I can’t go on like this, without him… without my Doctor,’ she whispered, shaking her head, ‘I dreamt…’

For a moment she tried to catch all the memories of her dream, but they fell from her mind, dissolving like sand from the top of a clock to the bottom, ‘We had a family… We – we loved each other, we were together.’

Ashildr sighed and rubbed at her friend’s shoulder, ‘Clara… I truly am sorry, but it’s been almost a hundred years, you need to let the Doctor go.’ She said sternly, her eyes on hers as she pointed towards the door.

‘Come on, Clara, I’ll make you a coffee and you can tell me all about it… Okay?'


End file.
